- You don't have to be that fast. You just have to be faster than the other person.
- Ever notice that people in zombie flicks never wrinkle their nose at what must be a horrid odor?
- I have a cousin of mine who likes to do the goth-vamp thing. Her wish is that someday she'll become a vampire. When a vampire turns you, in some circles it's called "the kiss." So, if my cousin got turned and then she turned me, would we then be kissing cousins?
- How much blood would a bloodchuck bleed?
- Possible starting line: "You know you're not going to shoot me."
- Possible starting line #2: "Well that hurt. Maybe I shouldn't do that again. I think I will anyway."
- Possible starting line #3: "I shoulda listened to my Mama, she done told me dat the zombies were comin' and now I done broke my chainsaw."
Friday, June 13, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
- Accept the reality, zombies exist. This will keep you from panicking.
- Know your limits. Zombies are tireless creatures who tend to amass in hordes. If you feel exhausted, outsmart them instead of outrunning them.
- Avoid travelling if at all possible, but if you must, go with someone you trust to have your back.
- Furthermore, when travelling, do it during the day. Whether or not zombies have better night vision than we do is a subject of some debate, but the fact is, you have a better chance to survive if you can see them before they can see you, and this is a lot easier during the daylight hours.
- Always know where your weapon is. Better still, have more than one.
- Never, whatever you do, assume that they're all gone. I don't care if you heard it from a "reliable source." If they showed up once, they can and will return at any moment.
- There's a time to be witty and charming and there's a time to shut the fuck up. Know how to discern between the two.
- Pay attention to your clothing. Is it as thick as the weather permits? A suit of armor is ideal when it comes to durability, but it lacks in mobility. A helmet, while not necessarily stylish, may keep the zombies out of your brain. The most important thing though, is to keep your outfit as close to your body as possible. Loose and baggy may just give the zombies something to grab onto.
- Stay hydrated. Make sure you have consistant access to fresh, clean water.
- Lock the goddamned door already.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
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Friday, May 23, 2008
Want proof? Just watch these vids:
ZOMBIE footage real!?
LEAKED! Zombie Outbreak!
Wax demo. Sexy (I don't name these things. I just report 'em. That said, this is one of the best uses for duct tape I've seen in a while.)
REAL! Zombie Attack. Look quick before they take it down.
Exclusive Zombie Documentry. Real (You heard the man. What are you waiting for?)
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
- Debbie's Chainsaw Does Dallas: Woops, there goes Texas (well, outside of that certain "massacre" that we know and love).
- Slutty Chainsaw Hitchhikers: Oh dear, now it's no longer safe to pick up passengers.
- Tits and Chainsaws Ahoy!: Ok, that's just weird.
- Naught Chainsaw Wielding Chainsaw Girls: Well, that's it for higher education.
- Private Reserve Chainsaws: Hmmm...sounds like my ideal back 40.
- Strap-On Action Chainsaws: Didn't Ash already do that in the Evil Dead series?
- Chainsaw Gang Bangers: Yep...I done did it. Scared the crap outta myself. I do that sometimes.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
- Lost Zombies Get the latest info and updates, create your own page to share your techniques of zombie survival and let everyone know you're out there. According to Lek (the owner of the site), he'll even be creating a documentry so those in the general media can no longer deny what we already know. Z-Day is already here.
- Zombie Survival Quiz Do you really have what it takes to make it during these trying times? This 52 question quiz will let you know.
- Post-Apocalyptic Workout Whether you have what it takes, or you don't, polishing your skills to post Z-Day levels is an absolute necessity. This site discusses not only working out your body, but your mind too... a skill often neglected in these trying times.
- Zombie Squad Once you're in fighting condition, or even if you're not, the Zombie Squad is there to assure the survival of everyone. Join or just praise these fighting troops, it's up to you.
- Zombie Friends Finally, kick back, relax, and communicate with the handful of folks left on this barren planet.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
I was kind of hoping this wasn't going to happen for another, oh, I don't know, twenty years, but hey, on the bright side, I'll have my dentures by the time Halloween rolls around. Yep, yet another toy for me to scare the neighborhood kids with. Mwa ha ha!
Thursday, May 01, 2008
I think I should to go lie down and dream about this.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
- Would a good name for a for a coffee shop/bookstore specializing in mochas be "Cocoa Books?" Or would that only work if they served cereal too?
- Why is there a bowl of milk sitting on the counter from breakfast this morning? Oh yeah, 'cause I haven't nagged the kids enough. My bad.
- Should I quit smoking or just tell my doctor to mind his own damn business?
- What would happen if all the voices in my head just suddenly shut up? Would I be able to cope?
- Bruce Campbell.
- Sorry, forgot what I was going to say next. :/
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Round 1: Origins
In this corner, we have Darth Vader aka Anakin Skywalker. At this point he's a whiny slaveboy who only wants his Mommy. When he gets older, he's a whiny Jedi who only wants his Mommy. Granted he gets his gets bonus points for killing an entire town, but he only did it...why? Because he's whiny and he wants his Mommy.
In the opposite corner we have Bad Ash. His origins are more along the lines of a really bad acid trip, the worst freakin' "Gulliver's Travels" nightmare ever and the Three Stooges. Yeah, it's fucked up, freaky, cool and all that rot. Bonus points for not whining to his Mommy.
Round 2: Transformation
Anakin was left to die on the volcanic planet of Mustafar. After this he's doomed to spend the rest of his life in a suit so his skin doesn't fall off, or something like that.
Bad Ash was first, face blasted with the ultimate weapon (aka Boomstick) then was chopped into pieces by the coolest chainsaw to ever glint on the silver screen. Did that bother him? Hardly, even when these pieces of him are tossed into a makeshift grave, he's still mouthing off. Even then, given a little time and the wrong words out of a book and he puts himself back together.
Round 3: Powers
You'd think Darth Vader would win this round, what with that force choke and all. Yeah, right, the only reason he does that is because he's afraid of getting his shiny black gloves dirty. If they remake the original trilogy perhaps Tony Shalhoub as Monk should do this role.
Bad Ash can raise the dead. Not only that, he brings them back smarter, funnier and tougher than they were in real life. Which brings us to the next point.
Round 4: Why They're Evil
Anakin Skywalker became evil because he kept having dreams that Padme was going to die. All but the most hardcore Star Wars fan would think this was a good plan. Not Anakin though, he joins the darkside in an attempt to save her. Funny thing is, she died anyway. Too bad he didn't get Bad Ash's powers eh?
Bad Ash is evil, well, because he's always been that way. He enjoys it, he revels in it. No guilt-tripping angsty crap here. Gotta love it.
Round 4: The Actors (or, you'd think this would be the end of it, but you'd be wrong!)
Anakin Skywalker was first played by (chronologically, not in the order the movies were released) Jake Lloyd, then Hayden Christensen then David Prowse (voiced by James Earl Jones). But wait! The Disassociative Identity Disorder that is the life of Darth doesn't end there!
Remember at the end of Return of the Jedi when under the creepy mask that is Darth Vader it's the not-so-creepy David Prowse who looks like he's perpetually playing harmonica 'til the end of time for some space opera version of the one man band? Then, later on, his ghostie self shows up and, get this, if you have a copy of the DVD before parts 1-3 came out, it's David Prowse in Jedi glory. But, if you have one after this time, it's yes, the one and only perpetually whiny Hayden Christensen as the ghostie. WTF?!?
Bad Ash was played by Bruce Campbell. 'Nuff said. Which brings me to my final point.
Round 5: Dead for real this time
Darth Vader took off his hat. This is what kills the big baddie? You'd think someone would have thought of it sooner, but that only proves what I've been saying all along: "As dumb as Anakin was, Luke was stupider." The apple not only didn't fall far from the tree, it went kersplat right into the realm of applesauce.
Bad Ash was run through with a joust, had his skin fried off, was punched in the jaw so many times that his eyes made like slot machines but it wasn't until he was hurled into space with a flaming seat of gunpowder that he finally went kablooie. And this, my dear readers (all six of you) is why Bad Ash is meaner, tougher, and cooler than Darth Vader, bar none because, as a bunch of people have been saying about Chuck Norris, in that only Chuck Norris can kick Chuck Norris's ass, but the death of Bad Ash proves:
ONLY BRUCE CAMPBELL CAN KICK BRUCE CAMPBELL'S ASS!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
So? What do I have that I'd like to share with the world?
Mary Poppins as you've never seen her before.
Rowan Atkinson welcomes you to my home.
Jalapeno on a Stick
Something to scare the neighbors with Always handy
If you'll notice there's a distinct lack of Bruce Campbell vids. That's because I don't wanna share him. :P
Friday, April 18, 2008
- Don't be afraid to delegate: It doesn't matter whether Junior soccer practice or your ex is the next on your "to do" list, someone else can always help you out. The key is to find out the right someone for the job. For example, that neighbor you hardly know except through your kids would be better to help you get Junior to his game while you work on stalking duties as opposed to the other way around. That said, if you have a best friend that is so drunk he or she isn't going to remember what happened anyway, ask this friend of yours to dispose of the corpse. Just don't let him or her dig the hole, unless you find yourself with too shallow of a grave and your friend sleeping in it.
- Use a PDA or one of those many other devices made for planning out your day: Don't forget to use it either. I know that sounds like redundant advice, but trust me, you don't want Junior coming downstairs because you forgot to tuck him in thereby interrupting an all important torturing session.
- The calendar is your friend: Ok, so Junior's party is on the 17th, but you want to obtain your next target by the 18th, what's a Mom to do? Use your calendar to reschedule one of them. I'd suggest the target obtainment since kids whose birthday parties have been re-scheduled can scream louder than a vic on electrical nipple clamps.
Organizational Tools and How to Use Them
- Rubbermaid bins: Yeah, I know there are cheaper versions, but trust me, you get what you pay for. My favorite use is the "drop off point." What you do is have (at least) one in every room of the home, whether it's your living room or your torture chamber. Small ones are great for clamps, scalpels, Happy Meal toys, and marbles. Medium sized ones are great for the trunk of your car (well, maybe not the Prius but anything larger than that, like a lunchbox, should have a fairly decent sized trunk), so whether you need to bring along your chloroform, rope and duct tape or your diaper bag and juice boxes, just stick it in there and you'll get where you're going without hassle as to where stuff is. The larger sized ones are my favorite, since the durability plus washability make it an excellent place to temporarily store corpses while I tidy up my workplace, it's also great for kids' toy boxes since no matter how many times you tell them "Do not eat in your room," they'll insist on bringing their favorite snacks for their stuffed animals to munch on.
- Lockboxes: While some people would argue that this is a great place to put the kids, I disagree. A used refrigerator is much better. Just put it on an empty lot, send your kids in the general direction of the empty lot and voila, they'll put themselves in there. It's better to get toolboxes to assure peanut butter and other sticky remnants of children stay off your bonesaw. Better yet, lock the door to the basement.
- Overlarge (aka "standalone") freezers: Excess meat, whether it's yesterday's corpse or tomorrow night's Hamburger Helper will last quite some time in these remarkable devices. And if you get the two confused? No matter, Junior won't be able to tell the difference anyway. Pre-processed food tastes like rotting corpse flesh anyway.
Monday, April 14, 2008
- Coffee: Used to ensure there is enough energy for your day's activities. Used by both.
- Duct tape: Multi-purpose tool used to repair things, whether it's "too much noise" or the dryer duct. Used by both.
- Rope: Used to tie things on the roof or in the trunk of the car. Used by both.
- Volume control: An object on many devices to turn the noise up or down depending on how loud the screaming is that's coming from the basement. Used by both.
- Van/SUV: Gas guzzling vehicle used to transport bodies to different locations. Used by both.
- Knife: A device designed to carve up meat. Used by both.
- Spork: An all purpose tool. Used by both.
- Pie: Another item utilized for energy on the go. Used by both.
- Spare clothing: Brought along in case of messy spills. Used by both.
- Camera: Useful for souvenir photographs. Used by both.
Well, damn, I guess this technique won't work. Good luck then!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
- Lock your torture devices in a safe place: This is to assure little fingers don't get sticky stuff all over your favorite tools. There's nothing more embarrassing than pulling out your bonesaw, only to have it covered in peanut butter.
- Let your children join in the fun: There's nothing children enjoy more than to watch what their parents do for a living (or a killing as the case may be).
- Let the younger ones play as well: While you may not be ready to let your toddler handle the scalpel, they'll enjoy learning how to duct tape your latest prey's mouth and even hand you your gloves.
- Stalking can make for fun family outings: Don't forget to bring along snacks and games to keep the children occupied at key moments.
- Dirty diapers can NOT double as chloroform in a pinch: Although it may have made you woozy, it simply doesn't substitute for the speed and efficiency that is chloroform.
- Keep your "pick up the target" supplies away from the diaper bag: Vics just don't feel threatened when you pull out a bottle of formula as opposed to a knife or a gun.
Later, I'll put out a list of supplies that every parent/serial killer needs (as well as tips on how to keep both organized!)
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Ok, so gets this, the Earth is brand spanking new, no people, just God and all the other things that He created. And what's he do? He takes a nap. Granted, all that Earth creation stuff must be pretty freakin' exhausting-- I get tired just jumping to conclusions. But after six days work, he takes a NAP? He's GOD people! He just pulled out the sleeper sofa and sawed some logs.
Which makes me wonder, now that all the folks are here, how often do you think He takes a nap? If I were him? I'd delegate the entire system to Satan and be done with it.
Oh wait...what if He's already done that and hasn't told anybody? Or what if that's what the Catholic Church has been hiding from us. Hmmmm....
Thursday, April 03, 2008
- Are you nuts? Reading all the articles in one fell swoop can make your head explode. Seriously, have you seen Scanners? That wasn't special effects, that was the result of reading my blog too quickly. If you have a headache, it's already too late. Sorry 'bout that.
- I now have a total of five readers (that includes: me, my kids, someone else I know on the web and uh...you). At this rate I should be up to ten by the year 3027.
- Finally, thanks Mom-not-Mom.
*Goes off wandering in the distance.* Imagine...ten readers...that'd be like double digits and stuff. WOOT!
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
I wonder what it would take to get that printed on a doormat?
Well...at least it's better than "Welcome" that sort of thing is just asking for norms to swing by for something other than supper.
Monday, March 31, 2008
- Tall enough to reach the upper cabinets and get that tool I need NOW.
- Short enough to crawl under the table to clean up the junk under there.
- Optimistic enough to believe "It all works out in the end." The only thing this applies to is shit, and we know what a reputation that has.
- Pessimistic enough to feel that one more day is going to be the end of me. It'll take at least two.
- Normal enough to think that listening to the voices in your head is a bad idea.
- Weird enough to do what all those voices tell me to.
- Dirty enough to be called "greasy," "nasty," "gross" or a combination of the above.
- Clean enough that I can't take some advice on organization now and then.
- Romantic enough to think that hearts and flowers are the be all to end all.
- Heartbroken enough to give up on romance for good.
- Weak-willed enough to think that saying "No" is a bad idea.
- Stubborn enough to think that giving in (sometimes) is for wimps.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
- I've been blogging on and off for a lot longer than I think I had.
- I didn't remember a lot of what I had written.
- A lot of times I'm full of it, but more often than not I'm just weird.
- Anger is an interesting catalyst, but a terrible muse.
- Revenge though? Well that's a muse waiting to happen. :)
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
How do you pronounce your name?
Let's start with the spelling, shall we? Capital letter, two t's. And it's pronounced rather simply: "B" like the letter of the alphabet. As far as you're concerned all the other letters are just spares.
What's up with all the morbid stuff?
None of your damned business...now go over there before I'm forced to smack a restraining order on you.
Dear Blog-type Person:
Since you hate the Dippy so much and you know so much about killing and stuff, why don't you just off him?
Curious & Concerned
First of all, who uses the term "off" anymore? Second of all, there are several reasons, not the least of which are:
- It's illegal (this is but a minor hinderance considering who is currently in charge).
- Alimony is a beautiful thing, ie, I need his money until I can get on my feet and support myself and my two boys.
- I'd much rather he died in some goofy cartoonish way (ie being crushed by an anvil or run over by a steamroller....better still a Zamboni) then any of the ways that I have in mind.
- Murder is time consuming. First there's the plotting, then the follow-through and the cleanup and finally the cover up. I'm a single mother of two boys, I do NOT have time for this.
- It'd cut into the other things I like to do. For example: scaring my neighbors for no particular reason, re-training my kids that their names are REALLY "Minion #1" and "Minion #2," oh yeah, and writing.
Dear Blog Goddess,
April Fools' Day is coming up, do you have any ideas for pranks?
In All Humility,
First of all, I don't have servants I have MINIONS, pay attention folks. Secondly, it's about time someone addressed me properly. That said, I have but one prank, it's a doozy that may take several years to pull off properly, but trust me, your patience WILL be rewarded.
- A bunch of mannequins, blow up dolls, etc.
- A flashlight
- A shovel
- Plenty of room in your yard
Late one night, start burying the mannequins, blow up dolls, etc. Use only a flashlight for the visuals since anything brighter will give you away. Eventually, one of the neighbors will call the cops. Since burying mannequins is in no way illegal, the two of you will have a good laugh and all will be good. Do the same several years in a row until the cop doesn't even come up to check. After this, feel free to bury actual corpses, no one will be the wiser. :D
Sunday, March 23, 2008
- Classic Black: Sure it's slimming, but the norms/good guys have taken over this color. I mean really...do you want your fashion sense to say "Keanu Reeves poser"? I don't think so. Besides, now it's all matchy-matchy...and what fun is that? I'd suggest some surgical scrub green, it's still classic, but that color is designed especially so the bloodstains don't stand out as much. Hard to find anything, but well, scrubs in this color, but add a stylish barbed-wire belt and it will show off those chainsaw lifting abs in no time.
- Corporate Suit: Only if you want a day job, and what's the point of being evil if you have to have one of those? Ugh...pass thanks.
- Supervillain Costume with Gimmicks: If you're spending all your time making pumpkin bombs than maybe, just maybe you need to peruse alternative forms of evil. May I suggest telemarketing or karaoke?
- Robotic Exoskeleton: Green Lantern's weakness was the color yellow. Yours is water. Do you see the problem here?
- Dark Gunslinger: Again, we're talking classic black here, but at least you get to wear a cool hat. Unfortunately, the only folks that look really good in this type of hat are Antonio Banderas...and um, he's one of the good guys. Proceed with caution.
- Brain in a Jar: Do you really want to spend the rest of your existence next to the mayonnaise and pickles? I don't think so.
- Intelligence Transferred into a Computer: Anything with an "off" button should not be considered an alternative lifestyle. 'Nuff said.
- Evil Twin/Clone: This is fashion? Sounds more like a hobby. NEXT!
- Wearing the Skin of Another Human: Alright, but if you're gonna do this one, you better be able to wear the classics well. Strut your stuff...or rather...their stuff!
- Never Revealing Your Face: Makes it really really really really hard for you to boss your minions around at the key moments:
You: KILL HIM!
Minion: Uh, who are you?
You: YOUR boss you nincompoop/idiot/random curse word combo.
Minion: And how am I supposed to know that?
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Sounds like a good idea anyway. :P
- With gas prices these days, I can't use my chainsaw anymore, so I've been doing all my "meal prep" by hand.
- I saw a sig line on a forum that said "Write like your face is on fire," thought it was a good idea and the rest is history.
- The winter around these parts is so cold that the ground is frozen solid making body disposal rather time consuming.
- My next door neighbor is a sheriff, making me have to take the long way around to get anything worthwhile done.
- Shortage of sporks
- Slipped in my own drool when looking at pics of Bruce Campbell.
- My dog ate it...oh...wait...I don't have a dog. My bad.
- I was going to get to it on Thursday, but I guess I should have specified which Thursday.
- Difficult to blog while I'm eating pie, especially with the spork shortage. Damnable sticky keys. :P
- No Virginia, there is NOT a Santa Claus put me in such a trauma that I still haven't recovered. Ok, let's forget for one moment that whole "no Santa Claus" thing is probably my fault and get on with it.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
- Bloodstained chainsaw--Yeah, I want to make sure it works the way I want it to (a year's worth of gas would be nice, but with today's prices I can't really expect that).
- Runcible spoon-- Remember "The Owl and the Pussycat" from early childhood days and you never knew what a runcible spoon was? Well, guess what, I want one. Why? It's the ancestor of the spork.
- Long pig pie-- Homemade preferably, but I'll accept store bought.
- Boomstick-- No, not just any double-barrelled shotgun will do. I want an unlimited ammo capacity as well. Ok, well, if I have to reload it once during a climatic shootout with a deadite, that's understandable.
- Bruce Campbell-- 'Nuff said.
Monday, March 17, 2008
- "I really didn't that was going to work."
- "Zombies are real?"
- "I wonder what would happen if I mixed formula A with Chemical B?"
- "That spot in the sky is getting bigger…that cannot be good."
- "Uh…kids, I don't think there's going to be any school today."
- "Well…at least I'll finally get some peace and quiet."
- "And just when I was getting up my nerve to ask the boss for a raise THIS has to happen."
- "Damn, now we'll have to reboot the entire system."
- "Hey! That wasn't supposed to happen."
- "I figured it out! The secret to life, the universe, and everything is…..."
- "Well…at least you can't blame me for this one."