Out of the box thinking with attitude
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Weirding people out since 2006.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Life is...Good

Rather odd for me to be admitting this, but yeah, life is sweet at this particular point in time.

  1. Bruce Campbell is the official spokesperson for Old Spice, ergo, I now have a reason to watch commercials. Huh? You haven't seen it yet? Just go to You Tube and you can take a look as to why he's still Groovy (bonus: the chainsaw shows up in front of the fireplace).
  2. It's official, Bruce Campbell will be in Spiderman 3, his official capacity (or so I've read some net rumors) is that it has something to do with Mysterio (the supervillain with a jar on his head) in a manner that "you're not used to seeing Mysterio" whatever that means. I'm guessing it has to do with "sans jar" or some such.
  3. I just saw Hannibal Rising and so what if it didn't follow the book and so what if the book was way better and so what if this kid is a poor substitute for Anthony Hopkins (in all fairness to the actor anyone would have difficulty following in the esteemed footsteps of Sir Hopkins. This guy (sorry I can't remember/too lazy to look up his name right now) did as good as could be expected though) and so on and so forth. Who the hell really cares about all that when the combination of what should get the award for "Most creative use for mayonnaisse" is combined with the ultra-ultimate-best face munch ever on the big screen? Overall, I may not label this the "best" of the series (that honor goes to "Red Dragon" IMO), but it's one hell of a way to say goodbye. B+

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Inspired after watching "Bridge to Teribithia" and listening to my husband explain how "Everyone has to die when it's their time" or some other such nonsense:

Perhaps the only reason I exist is to teach you that you aren't perfect. Perhaps the only reason I still live is because you want me to die. And maybe, just maybe, the lesson you need to learn has to do with dealing with difficult people. And I'll give you that, I'm a pain in the ass. I take no quarter because I'll settle for nothing less than tolerance.

Tolerance of others.

What a concept.

So, maybe, just maybe, I'll die when you stop wanting me to.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Another Reason Why I Hate Norms

I'm about midway through reading Hannibal Rising, and I saw a commercial for the movie. Well, hell, I've always liked the Doc and the book makes me like him even more. But frankly Lady Murasaki (referred to as "the woman in his life" in the trailers) ticks me off.

A little background if I may indulge myself (feel free to skip if you wish to either read the book in full or see the movie before stumbling across any spoilers. And trust me, this post is gonna be loaded with 'em). In short, at the age of ten Hannibal (or Hanny as I call him in our correspondences) had his parents killed in front of him during WWII in Russia. Over that winter Hanny ate, against both his will (and more than likely his ability to comprehend to even the most brilliant 10yo, which he certainly was) he and his captors consumed not just his parents, but almost the entire household staff, an Albanian boy who was hiding out in the barn (talk about your ultimate loser in a game of hide and seek), and Hanny's 3yo sister, Mischa. The future Doc survived only out of sheer luck. Ie, the war in Russia was over.

In other words, it's completely understandable why Hanny doesn't say a damn thing for the next three years. Before I tell you what he said and to whom, that three year gap needs to be filled in.

After the war, the original Lecter homestead was turned into an orphanage. And well, since Hanny is an orphan he stays there for a while. Luckily for a particularly abusive teacher who thinks it would be a good idea to beat the crap out of a mute just to see if he could scream Hanny's Uncle (Count Lecter) shows up to whisk the future Doc off to Paris to live with him and his Japanese wife Lady Murasaki.

Count Lecter and Lady Murasaki are "the good guys" who truly provide a safe haven for the young Hanny. He is both taught and accepted. In this environment, were it to last and the outside world, were it not to interfere with its bitterness and vial hatred for "that which is different" Hannibal would have remained happily mute, screaming out only in his nightmares, while he spent his days painting pictures of beetles on flowers.

But, the world, recently recovered from WWII ain't so nice, especially to its former enemies, classified in one lump as "Japannoisse" (from what I can tell it's a French vulgar for "Nip"). One butcher in particular whose name escapes me at the moment even had the audacity to ask Lady Murasaki if a certain body part was slanted sideways.

Hannibal spoke the first word he said in the three years since he was rescued: "Beast" and went upon the butcher so viciously it took two full grown men to pull him off. A slap on the wrist by Inspector Popil (in the commercials, he's the one giving Hannibal his first, of what would be many, "lie detector" tests) and Hanny was free to go.

But I knew, as I'm sure you do, that even then, the butcher was doomed to be the first of many victims.

Did he deserve it? Ah hell, I dunno, nor do I care. It's fiction after all. But that's not the point of this post either. The important part is this, not only did Lady Murasaki know what happened but she was damned pleased about the whole thing. Ie: "You did this for me?" were her exact words. The impression I got from reading the book was her tone was along the lines of a guy buying a dozen roses for his gal. Or heck, even a house for his bride to be.

In short, Lady Murasaki was neither pissed, nor outraged, nor stunned, nor any of those things even I could picture myself being. In fact, the more she finds out about the particular details of the crime, the more pleased she becomes. And yeah, Hannibal started his elaborate, torture ritual murders at the age of thirteen. Gotta admire those early bloomers.

And here's the point where I just wanna bitch slap Lady Murasaki. Granted, I haven't finished reading the book, but her reaction to Hannibal when what he's doing later as he recalls names and faces of everyone that forced him to eat his family and takes out his vengence on them.

She freaks and tells him to stop.

What the?

Ok, so, let me get this straight. It was not only ok, but admirable if he killed for you for what could be considered an eye-for-an-eye (since the butcher is presumed to have caused, if not directly, then indirectly, the death of Count Lecter (he died of a heart attack somewhere along the way of intending to order the butcher to apologize to Lady Murasaki. Whether the Count died on the way there, during a tussle, or on the way back is unclear) and for what could best be called "the ultimate in bad manners." She's fine with that.

But for Hannibal to go after someone for his own honor, she freaks out and spazzes?

Ugh! Talk about nerve.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Sporks vs. Straws

Taco Bell, as of this writing, has little sayings on their "hot" sauces (aka ketchup for for their imitation Mexican food). These sayings are few, but what really irks me is that they have these two quotes backwards: "I collect straws" and "At night, the sporks scare me." AHEM! What kind of freakish norm thing is that from one of the last legitimate sources of sporks?

Straws are scary, what with their assisted ability to suck liquid out of any damn thing (case in point, McDonald's and Sonic straws are really scary, because of that shake sucking ability which is major distortion time).

Sporks, on the other hand are versatile weap...I mean...utensils that only have a bad rap because of the flimsy ones that were once used (and may still be) for school cafeteria lunches. Don't blame the messenger people! It's not like it's the spork's fault that the only thing that was worse than the way the food looked was the way it tasted.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Advice for Loan Sharks

Loan sharking can be quite profitable and it can work wonderfully either as a primary source of income or as a sideline to other "lucrative" endeavors. However, not just anyone can be in this business as it takes a certain level of knowhow to truly succeed. Follow these tips and you'll be sure to find yourself in the money in no time flat.

  • When determining interest rates for your loans, find a balance between what the banks are currently charging and what only those who don't need the money in the first place will pay. If you go for the first, you'll be seen as a sucker by your fellow loan sharks and if you go with the latter you'll find yourself out of business before you start.
  • Let your customers know up front the fees you will be charging, at least initially is a wise choice. Having them find out the penalty for paying late, however, is something that is best they find out on their own.
  • It is not your job to feel sorry for someone if they have lost their job, their mother died, etc. It is your job to get the money by any means possible. Loan sharking is not a business for those who are capable of feeling empathy.
  • On breaking knee caps: break only one. Pain is real, recently experienced pain is very real, death is abstract. Give them something to dread (ie, the other kneecap being broken) before they think twice about paying late again. If they still haven't paid within the specified time, just kill 'em. Why waste your time with a deadbeat?
  • Don't expect your muscle to be brilliant, or, for that matter, much smarter than their own shoelaces. Brains and brawn are an odd combination indeed. If, however, you do find someone able to make intelligent executive decisions, reward them handsomely. I suggest a health plan with full dental.
  • On that note, don't tell anyone "I didn't hire you to think." Even idiots can be inspired by an idea that can make or break a business and it's better that you hear about it than someone else.
  • Don't hire anyone that talks too much. Chances are they'll tell the wrong people what you're up to. Note, this is good advice for any business of this sort come to think of it.
  • Find out who can be bribed and then just blackmail the rest.