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Weirding people out since 2006.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Organizing Your Parenting/Serial Killer Supplies

Someone who doubles as both a serial killer and a parent will find that both of these full-time jobs not only drain their time, but their precious space as well. I've found the following tips quite helpful.

Time Management

  • Don't be afraid to delegate: It doesn't matter whether Junior soccer practice or your ex is the next on your "to do" list, someone else can always help you out. The key is to find out the right someone for the job. For example, that neighbor you hardly know except through your kids would be better to help you get Junior to his game while you work on stalking duties as opposed to the other way around. That said, if you have a best friend that is so drunk he or she isn't going to remember what happened anyway, ask this friend of yours to dispose of the corpse. Just don't let him or her dig the hole, unless you find yourself with too shallow of a grave and your friend sleeping in it.
  • Use a PDA or one of those many other devices made for planning out your day: Don't forget to use it either. I know that sounds like redundant advice, but trust me, you don't want Junior coming downstairs because you forgot to tuck him in thereby interrupting an all important torturing session.
  • The calendar is your friend: Ok, so Junior's party is on the 17th, but you want to obtain your next target by the 18th, what's a Mom to do? Use your calendar to reschedule one of them. I'd suggest the target obtainment since kids whose birthday parties have been re-scheduled can scream louder than a vic on electrical nipple clamps.

Organizational Tools and How to Use Them

  • Rubbermaid bins: Yeah, I know there are cheaper versions, but trust me, you get what you pay for. My favorite use is the "drop off point." What you do is have (at least) one in every room of the home, whether it's your living room or your torture chamber. Small ones are great for clamps, scalpels, Happy Meal toys, and marbles. Medium sized ones are great for the trunk of your car (well, maybe not the Prius but anything larger than that, like a lunchbox, should have a fairly decent sized trunk), so whether you need to bring along your chloroform, rope and duct tape or your diaper bag and juice boxes, just stick it in there and you'll get where you're going without hassle as to where stuff is. The larger sized ones are my favorite, since the durability plus washability make it an excellent place to temporarily store corpses while I tidy up my workplace, it's also great for kids' toy boxes since no matter how many times you tell them "Do not eat in your room," they'll insist on bringing their favorite snacks for their stuffed animals to munch on.
  • Lockboxes: While some people would argue that this is a great place to put the kids, I disagree. A used refrigerator is much better. Just put it on an empty lot, send your kids in the general direction of the empty lot and voila, they'll put themselves in there. It's better to get toolboxes to assure peanut butter and other sticky remnants of children stay off your bonesaw. Better yet, lock the door to the basement.
  • Overlarge (aka "standalone") freezers: Excess meat, whether it's yesterday's corpse or tomorrow night's Hamburger Helper will last quite some time in these remarkable devices. And if you get the two confused? No matter, Junior won't be able to tell the difference anyway. Pre-processed food tastes like rotting corpse flesh anyway.

1 comment:

Annick said...

Well written article.