I am not...

Here's a good ol' writer's prompt I dug out of some old files. It's one of those "complete the sentence things." Anyway, here's a sample of the things I am not.

• Tall enough to reach the upper cabinets and get that tool I need NOW.
• Short enough to crawl under the table to clean up the junk under there.
• Optimistic enough to believe "It all works out in the end." The only thing this applies to is shit, and we know what a reputation that has.
• Pessimistic enough to feel that one more day is going to be the end of me. It'll take at least two.
• Normal enough to think that listening to the voices in your head is a bad idea.
• Weird enough to do what all those voices tell me to.
• Dirty enough to be called "greasy," "nasty," "gross" or a combination of the above.
• Clean enough that I can't take some advice on organization now and then.
• Romantic enough to think that hearts and flowers are the be all to end all.
• Heartbroken enough to give up on romance for good.
• Weak-willed enough to think that saying "No" is a bad idea.
• Stubborn enough to think that giving in (sometimes) is for wimps.

Have I Really?

I dug through my archives and found quite a few things that surprised me:

• I've been blogging on and off for a lot longer than I think I had.
• I didn't remember a lot of what I had written.
• A lot of times I'm full of it, but more often than not I'm just weird.
• Anger is an interesting catalyst, but a terrible muse.
• Revenge though? Well that's a muse waiting to happen. :)

Fake Fan Mail

I used to have another blog in which I answered fake fan mail (since I don't get the real stuff, what the heck), so I thought I'd do the occasional feature here until I get the real stuff.

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Dear brigita,

How do you pronounce your name?

Signed,
Confuzzled

Dear Confuzzled,

Let's start with the spelling, shall we? Capital letter, two t's. And it's pronounced rather simply: "B" like the letter of the alphabet. As far as you're concerned all the other letters are just spares.

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Dear Blogger,

What's up with all the morbid stuff?

Signed,
Control Freak

Dear Dippy,

None of your damned business...now go over there before I'm forced to smack a restraining order on you.

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Dear Blog-type Person:

Since you hate the Dippy so much and you know so much about killing and stuff, why don't you just off him?

Signed,
Curious & Concerned

C&C,

First of all, who uses the term "off" anymore? Second of all, there are several reasons, not the least of which are:

• It's illegal (this is but a minor hinderance considering who is currently in charge).
• Alimony is a beautiful thing, ie, I need his money until I can get on my feet and support myself and my two boys.
• I'd much rather he died in some goofy cartoonish way (ie being crushed by an anvil or run over by a steamroller....better still a Zamboni) then any of the ways that I have in mind.
• Murder is time consuming. First there's the plotting, then the follow-through and the cleanup and finally the cover up. I'm a single mother of two boys, I do NOT have time for this.
• It'd cut into the other things I like to do. For example: scaring my neighbors for no particular reason, re-training my kids that their names are REALLY "Minion #1" and "Minion #2," oh yeah, and writing.

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Dear Blog Goddess,

April Fools' Day is coming up, do you have any ideas for pranks?

In All Humility,

Your Servant

First of all, I don't have servants I have MINIONS, pay attention folks. Secondly, it's about time someone addressed me properly. That said, I have but one prank, it's a doozy that may take several years to pull off properly, but trust me, your patience WILL be rewarded.

You'll need:

• A bunch of mannequins, blow up dolls, etc.
• A flashlight
• A shovel
• Plenty of room in your yard

Late one night, start burying the mannequins, blow up dolls, etc. Use only a flashlight for the visuals since anything brighter will give you away. Eventually, one of the neighbors will call the cops. Since burying mannequins is in no way illegal, the two of you will have a good laugh and all will be good. Do the same several years in a row until the cop doesn't even come up to check. After this, feel free to bury actual corpses, no one will be the wiser. :D

Fashion Tips

Well, well, I do feel absolutely inspired darlings, especially after taking a look at: Fashion for the Evil Doer. Problem is, even the site needs a makeover. Good idea honey, but that is sooooooo 80s, get with the times dear, evil is much more subtle than that and clothing isn't everything that makes for style that truly knocks 'em dead. Here's my tips and upgrades:

• Classic Black: Sure it's slimming, but the norms/good guys have taken over this color. I mean really...do you want your fashion sense to say "Keanu Reeves poser"? I don't think so. Besides, now it's all matchy-matchy...and what fun is that? I'd suggest some surgical scrub green, it's still classic, but that color is designed especially so the bloodstains don't stand out as much. Hard to find anything, but well, scrubs in this color, but add a stylish barbed-wire belt and it will show off those chainsaw lifting abs in no time.
• Corporate Suit: Only if you want a day job, and what's the point of being evil if you have to have one of those? Ugh...pass thanks.
• Supervillain Costume with Gimmicks: If you're spending all your time making pumpkin bombs than maybe, just maybe you need to peruse alternative forms of evil. May I suggest telemarketing or karaoke?
• Robotic Exoskeleton: Green Lantern's weakness was the color yellow. Yours is water. Do you see the problem here?
• Dark Gunslinger: Again, we're talking classic black here, but at least you get to wear a cool hat. Unfortunately, the only folks that look really good in this type of hat are Antonio Banderas...and um, he's one of the good guys. Proceed with caution.
• Brain in a Jar: Do you really want to spend the rest of your existence next to the mayonnaise and pickles? I don't think so.
• Intelligence Transferred into a Computer: Anything with an "off" button should not be considered an alternative lifestyle. 'Nuff said.
• Evil Twin/Clone: This is fashion? Sounds more like a hobby. NEXT!
• Wearing the Skin of Another Human: Alright, but if you're gonna do this one, you better be able to wear the classics well. Strut your stuff...or rather...their stuff!
• Never Revealing Your Face: Makes it really really really really hard for you to boss your minions around at the key moments:

You: KILL HIM!

Minion: Uh, who are you?

You: YOUR boss you nincompoop/idiot/random curse word combo.

Minion: And how am I supposed to know that?

Smokin'

I've smoked cigarettes on and off since I was 15 years old. My soon-to-be ex (aka the Dippy) has quit smoking. He started when he was 9. He's 10 years older than me. I figure I've got 16 years before I get that much smoking in. So...I think I'll just tell him to shut the hell up.

Sounds like a good idea anyway. :P

Why I Didn't Blog for a While

The real reason why it's been so long is rather mundane... left the comp with the Dippy (oh, and $10K+ in bills, but that's beside the point), but I think I prefer these excuses:

• With gas prices these days, I can't use my chainsaw anymore, so I've been doing all my "meal prep" by hand.
• I saw a sig line on a forum that said "Write like your face is on fire," thought it was a good idea and the rest is history.
• The winter around these parts is so cold that the ground is frozen solid making body disposal rather time consuming.
• My next door neighbor is a sheriff, making me have to take the long way around to get anything worthwhile done.
• Shortage of sporks
• Slipped in my own drool when looking at pics of Bruce Campbell.
• My dog ate it...oh...wait...I don't have a dog. My bad.
• I was going to get to it on Thursday, but I guess I should have specified which Thursday.
• Difficult to blog while I'm eating pie, especially with the spork shortage. Damnable sticky keys. :P
• No Virginia, there is NOT a Santa Claus put me in such a trauma that I still haven't recovered. Ok, let's forget for one moment that whole "no Santa Claus" thing is probably my fault and get on with it.

Wish List

Today's my birthday, so I figured I'd post my wish list. Granted, these aren't the kinds of things you can get from Amazon , but hey, it's worth a shot. Also, please note that I do accept late b'day presents up until December 23rd. After that I start calling them "Christmas presents."

• Bloodstained chainsaw--Yeah, I want to make sure it works the way I want it to (a year's worth of gas would be nice, but with today's prices I can't really expect that).
• Runcible spoon-- Remember "The Owl and the Pussycat" from early childhood days and you never knew what a runcible spoon was? Well, guess what, I want one. Why? It's the ancestor of the spork.
• Long pig pie-- Homemade preferably, but I'll accept store bought.
• Boomstick-- No, not just any double-barrelled shotgun will do. I want an unlimited ammo capacity as well. Ok, well, if I have to reload it once during a climatic shootout with a deadite, that's understandable.
• Bruce Campbell-- 'Nuff said.

Last Words

Not sure what you'll say when the world ends...try these lines on for size:

• "Uh-oh"
• "I really didn't that was going to work."
• "Zombies are real?"
• "I wonder what would happen if I mixed formula A with Chemical B?"
• "That spot in the sky is getting bigger…that cannot be good."
• "Uh…kids, I don't think there's going to be any school today."
• "Well…at least I'll finally get some peace and quiet."
• "And just when I was getting up my nerve to ask the boss for a raise THIS has to happen."
• "Damn, now we'll have to reboot the entire system."
• "Hey! That wasn't supposed to happen."
• "I figured it out! The secret to life, the universe, and everything is…..."
• "Well…at least you can't blame me for this one."