Monday, April 28, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
- Would a good name for a for a coffee shop/bookstore specializing in mochas be "Cocoa Books?" Or would that only work if they served cereal too?
- Why is there a bowl of milk sitting on the counter from breakfast this morning? Oh yeah, 'cause I haven't nagged the kids enough. My bad.
- Should I quit smoking or just tell my doctor to mind his own damn business?
- What would happen if all the voices in my head just suddenly shut up? Would I be able to cope?
- Bruce Campbell.
- Sorry, forgot what I was going to say next. :/
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Round 1: Origins
In this corner, we have Darth Vader aka Anakin Skywalker. At this point he's a whiny slaveboy who only wants his Mommy. When he gets older, he's a whiny Jedi who only wants his Mommy. Granted he gets his gets bonus points for killing an entire town, but he only did it...why? Because he's whiny and he wants his Mommy.
In the opposite corner we have Bad Ash. His origins are more along the lines of a really bad acid trip, the worst freakin' "Gulliver's Travels" nightmare ever and the Three Stooges. Yeah, it's fucked up, freaky, cool and all that rot. Bonus points for not whining to his Mommy.
Round 2: Transformation
Anakin was left to die on the volcanic planet of Mustafar. After this he's doomed to spend the rest of his life in a suit so his skin doesn't fall off, or something like that.
Bad Ash was first, face blasted with the ultimate weapon (aka Boomstick) then was chopped into pieces by the coolest chainsaw to ever glint on the silver screen. Did that bother him? Hardly, even when these pieces of him are tossed into a makeshift grave, he's still mouthing off. Even then, given a little time and the wrong words out of a book and he puts himself back together.
Round 3: Powers
You'd think Darth Vader would win this round, what with that force choke and all. Yeah, right, the only reason he does that is because he's afraid of getting his shiny black gloves dirty. If they remake the original trilogy perhaps Tony Shalhoub as Monk should do this role.
Bad Ash can raise the dead. Not only that, he brings them back smarter, funnier and tougher than they were in real life. Which brings us to the next point.
Round 4: Why They're Evil
Anakin Skywalker became evil because he kept having dreams that Padme was going to die. All but the most hardcore Star Wars fan would think this was a good plan. Not Anakin though, he joins the darkside in an attempt to save her. Funny thing is, she died anyway. Too bad he didn't get Bad Ash's powers eh?
Bad Ash is evil, well, because he's always been that way. He enjoys it, he revels in it. No guilt-tripping angsty crap here. Gotta love it.
Round 4: The Actors (or, you'd think this would be the end of it, but you'd be wrong!)
Anakin Skywalker was first played by (chronologically, not in the order the movies were released) Jake Lloyd, then Hayden Christensen then David Prowse (voiced by James Earl Jones). But wait! The Disassociative Identity Disorder that is the life of Darth doesn't end there!
Remember at the end of Return of the Jedi when under the creepy mask that is Darth Vader it's the not-so-creepy David Prowse who looks like he's perpetually playing harmonica 'til the end of time for some space opera version of the one man band? Then, later on, his ghostie self shows up and, get this, if you have a copy of the DVD before parts 1-3 came out, it's David Prowse in Jedi glory. But, if you have one after this time, it's yes, the one and only perpetually whiny Hayden Christensen as the ghostie. WTF?!?
Bad Ash was played by Bruce Campbell. 'Nuff said. Which brings me to my final point.
Round 5: Dead for real this time
Darth Vader took off his hat. This is what kills the big baddie? You'd think someone would have thought of it sooner, but that only proves what I've been saying all along: "As dumb as Anakin was, Luke was stupider." The apple not only didn't fall far from the tree, it went kersplat right into the realm of applesauce.
Bad Ash was run through with a joust, had his skin fried off, was punched in the jaw so many times that his eyes made like slot machines but it wasn't until he was hurled into space with a flaming seat of gunpowder that he finally went kablooie. And this, my dear readers (all six of you) is why Bad Ash is meaner, tougher, and cooler than Darth Vader, bar none because, as a bunch of people have been saying about Chuck Norris, in that only Chuck Norris can kick Chuck Norris's ass, but the death of Bad Ash proves:
ONLY BRUCE CAMPBELL CAN KICK BRUCE CAMPBELL'S ASS!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
So? What do I have that I'd like to share with the world?
Mary Poppins as you've never seen her before.
Rowan Atkinson welcomes you to my home.
Jalapeno on a Stick
Something to scare the neighbors with Always handy
If you'll notice there's a distinct lack of Bruce Campbell vids. That's because I don't wanna share him. :P
Friday, April 18, 2008
- Don't be afraid to delegate: It doesn't matter whether Junior soccer practice or your ex is the next on your "to do" list, someone else can always help you out. The key is to find out the right someone for the job. For example, that neighbor you hardly know except through your kids would be better to help you get Junior to his game while you work on stalking duties as opposed to the other way around. That said, if you have a best friend that is so drunk he or she isn't going to remember what happened anyway, ask this friend of yours to dispose of the corpse. Just don't let him or her dig the hole, unless you find yourself with too shallow of a grave and your friend sleeping in it.
- Use a PDA or one of those many other devices made for planning out your day: Don't forget to use it either. I know that sounds like redundant advice, but trust me, you don't want Junior coming downstairs because you forgot to tuck him in thereby interrupting an all important torturing session.
- The calendar is your friend: Ok, so Junior's party is on the 17th, but you want to obtain your next target by the 18th, what's a Mom to do? Use your calendar to reschedule one of them. I'd suggest the target obtainment since kids whose birthday parties have been re-scheduled can scream louder than a vic on electrical nipple clamps.
Organizational Tools and How to Use Them
- Rubbermaid bins: Yeah, I know there are cheaper versions, but trust me, you get what you pay for. My favorite use is the "drop off point." What you do is have (at least) one in every room of the home, whether it's your living room or your torture chamber. Small ones are great for clamps, scalpels, Happy Meal toys, and marbles. Medium sized ones are great for the trunk of your car (well, maybe not the Prius but anything larger than that, like a lunchbox, should have a fairly decent sized trunk), so whether you need to bring along your chloroform, rope and duct tape or your diaper bag and juice boxes, just stick it in there and you'll get where you're going without hassle as to where stuff is. The larger sized ones are my favorite, since the durability plus washability make it an excellent place to temporarily store corpses while I tidy up my workplace, it's also great for kids' toy boxes since no matter how many times you tell them "Do not eat in your room," they'll insist on bringing their favorite snacks for their stuffed animals to munch on.
- Lockboxes: While some people would argue that this is a great place to put the kids, I disagree. A used refrigerator is much better. Just put it on an empty lot, send your kids in the general direction of the empty lot and voila, they'll put themselves in there. It's better to get toolboxes to assure peanut butter and other sticky remnants of children stay off your bonesaw. Better yet, lock the door to the basement.
- Overlarge (aka "standalone") freezers: Excess meat, whether it's yesterday's corpse or tomorrow night's Hamburger Helper will last quite some time in these remarkable devices. And if you get the two confused? No matter, Junior won't be able to tell the difference anyway. Pre-processed food tastes like rotting corpse flesh anyway.
Monday, April 14, 2008
- Coffee: Used to ensure there is enough energy for your day's activities. Used by both.
- Duct tape: Multi-purpose tool used to repair things, whether it's "too much noise" or the dryer duct. Used by both.
- Rope: Used to tie things on the roof or in the trunk of the car. Used by both.
- Volume control: An object on many devices to turn the noise up or down depending on how loud the screaming is that's coming from the basement. Used by both.
- Van/SUV: Gas guzzling vehicle used to transport bodies to different locations. Used by both.
- Knife: A device designed to carve up meat. Used by both.
- Spork: An all purpose tool. Used by both.
- Pie: Another item utilized for energy on the go. Used by both.
- Spare clothing: Brought along in case of messy spills. Used by both.
- Camera: Useful for souvenir photographs. Used by both.
Well, damn, I guess this technique won't work. Good luck then!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
- Lock your torture devices in a safe place: This is to assure little fingers don't get sticky stuff all over your favorite tools. There's nothing more embarrassing than pulling out your bonesaw, only to have it covered in peanut butter.
- Let your children join in the fun: There's nothing children enjoy more than to watch what their parents do for a living (or a killing as the case may be).
- Let the younger ones play as well: While you may not be ready to let your toddler handle the scalpel, they'll enjoy learning how to duct tape your latest prey's mouth and even hand you your gloves.
- Stalking can make for fun family outings: Don't forget to bring along snacks and games to keep the children occupied at key moments.
- Dirty diapers can NOT double as chloroform in a pinch: Although it may have made you woozy, it simply doesn't substitute for the speed and efficiency that is chloroform.
- Keep your "pick up the target" supplies away from the diaper bag: Vics just don't feel threatened when you pull out a bottle of formula as opposed to a knife or a gun.
Later, I'll put out a list of supplies that every parent/serial killer needs (as well as tips on how to keep both organized!)
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Ok, so gets this, the Earth is brand spanking new, no people, just God and all the other things that He created. And what's he do? He takes a nap. Granted, all that Earth creation stuff must be pretty freakin' exhausting-- I get tired just jumping to conclusions. But after six days work, he takes a NAP? He's GOD people! He just pulled out the sleeper sofa and sawed some logs.
Which makes me wonder, now that all the folks are here, how often do you think He takes a nap? If I were him? I'd delegate the entire system to Satan and be done with it.
Oh wait...what if He's already done that and hasn't told anybody? Or what if that's what the Catholic Church has been hiding from us. Hmmmm....
Thursday, April 03, 2008
- Are you nuts? Reading all the articles in one fell swoop can make your head explode. Seriously, have you seen Scanners? That wasn't special effects, that was the result of reading my blog too quickly. If you have a headache, it's already too late. Sorry 'bout that.
- I now have a total of five readers (that includes: me, my kids, someone else I know on the web and uh...you). At this rate I should be up to ten by the year 3027.
- Finally, thanks Mom-not-Mom.
*Goes off wandering in the distance.* Imagine...ten readers...that'd be like double digits and stuff. WOOT!
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
I wonder what it would take to get that printed on a doormat?
Well...at least it's better than "Welcome" that sort of thing is just asking for norms to swing by for something other than supper.