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Weirding people out since 2006.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Sporks vs. Straws

Taco Bell, as of this writing, has little sayings on their "hot" sauces (aka ketchup for for their imitation Mexican food). These sayings are few, but what really irks me is that they have these two quotes backwards: "I collect straws" and "At night, the sporks scare me." AHEM! What kind of freakish norm thing is that from one of the last legitimate sources of sporks?

Straws are scary, what with their assisted ability to suck liquid out of any damn thing (case in point, McDonald's and Sonic straws are really scary, because of that shake sucking ability which is major distortion time).

Sporks, on the other hand are versatile weap...I mean...utensils that only have a bad rap because of the flimsy ones that were once used (and may still be) for school cafeteria lunches. Don't blame the messenger people! It's not like it's the spork's fault that the only thing that was worse than the way the food looked was the way it tasted.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Advice for Loan Sharks

Loan sharking can be quite profitable and it can work wonderfully either as a primary source of income or as a sideline to other "lucrative" endeavors. However, not just anyone can be in this business as it takes a certain level of knowhow to truly succeed. Follow these tips and you'll be sure to find yourself in the money in no time flat.

  • When determining interest rates for your loans, find a balance between what the banks are currently charging and what only those who don't need the money in the first place will pay. If you go for the first, you'll be seen as a sucker by your fellow loan sharks and if you go with the latter you'll find yourself out of business before you start.
  • Let your customers know up front the fees you will be charging, at least initially is a wise choice. Having them find out the penalty for paying late, however, is something that is best they find out on their own.
  • It is not your job to feel sorry for someone if they have lost their job, their mother died, etc. It is your job to get the money by any means possible. Loan sharking is not a business for those who are capable of feeling empathy.
  • On breaking knee caps: break only one. Pain is real, recently experienced pain is very real, death is abstract. Give them something to dread (ie, the other kneecap being broken) before they think twice about paying late again. If they still haven't paid within the specified time, just kill 'em. Why waste your time with a deadbeat?
  • Don't expect your muscle to be brilliant, or, for that matter, much smarter than their own shoelaces. Brains and brawn are an odd combination indeed. If, however, you do find someone able to make intelligent executive decisions, reward them handsomely. I suggest a health plan with full dental.
  • On that note, don't tell anyone "I didn't hire you to think." Even idiots can be inspired by an idea that can make or break a business and it's better that you hear about it than someone else.
  • Don't hire anyone that talks too much. Chances are they'll tell the wrong people what you're up to. Note, this is good advice for any business of this sort come to think of it.
  • Find out who can be bribed and then just blackmail the rest.