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Weirding people out since 2006.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Planning Ahead

Sometimes, I wish I were more organized. Sure, I can create to do lists, write stuff down on calendars, read websites that tell me how to do whatever I'm supposed to be doing. My problem is follow-up, which is why I haven't killed anyone yet.

You see, besides it being morally objectionable, killing (and the inevitable clean-up) takes too damn much time out of my day. Oh sure, I could get the kids to help if I wanted to, but training them in the finer details of homicide takes time as well.

But, just because I'll never follow through, doesn't mean I won't make the to-do list (just in case, y'know?):

1) Choose a victim. Without a victim, homicide is a waste of time. Fortunately, this is the easiest part. Revenge is always a good motive. Even if the original person you want to get vengence upon is long dead, finding substitutes works wonders as you may set yourself up for a career in serial killing.

If you don't hate anyone, but just want the money, that's also a good reason as well. Keep in mind though, that the richer someone is, the higher security they're likely to have on their home which increases planning time.

When it comes right down to it, motive isn't really necessary. You just need to find a victim if you wish to kill. Anyone will do.

2) Choose a method. Some folks disagree with me on the order of these two steps. However, if you decide that you want to beat someone to death, but you choose someone who is likely to kick your ass instead via that technique it defeats the purpose. So, remember, victim first, then technique.

Another important thing about method to remember is how experienced are you with a particular weapon. Despite popular opinion, using a weapon that you aren't familiar with just may be the technique of choice. For example, if you are well-known for your swordsmanship, you may decide to use a gun or poison instead.

A note on poisons: These are both the most versatile and the most unreliable. For example, if you choose a slow acting poison (such as arsenic) on your intended victim, you could be caught before the intended corpse is actually deceased. Thereby foiling your plans. However, with the parole system and good behavior, you may be released before your trial is completed. That being said, getting close to your intended victim is going to be a wee bit harder.

Note: This is also a good time to determine whether torture will be involved.

3) Plan a method of disposal. So many murderers kill in the heat of passion and forget this step. The body has to be eliminated one way or another. This would be a good time to stock up on cleaning supplies as well. Dead bodies leave quite a mess.

4) Stalk, I mean "follow," the intended target for a few days, weeks, whatever it takes to understand his or her schedule. This works even better if you suffer from some sort of sociopathic disorder which will help you hide your true intentions, thereby allowing you to get closer to your vic. If you're already well acquainted with the vic's schedule, feel free to skip this step. Also feel free if you happen to live with the future corpse.

4a) Since stalking ahem, "following" is time consuming and includes long dull hours of surveillance, use this spare time to plan out an effective trap. This has the dual effectiveness of assuring you stay awake during this period and also helps with multi-tasking. Just make sure you don't get so caught up in planning the trap that you lose track of your victim.

Also, keep in mind that the simpler the trap the better. You don't want the details to either overwhelm you or bog you down.

5) Choose a date of action. Mark it on your calendar if you must, but so you don't get caught label it something like "Jimmy's birthday party." Note: that only works if you don't really have plans to go to Jimmy's b'day party. Be a shame if you missed the party because you were killing someone.

Remember, if you have included torture in your plans make sure you have plenty of room on your schedule for this particular entertainment. You don't want to have to leave in the middle of your business trip and come back to find that your vic has died of thirst or starvation before you've finished what you were planning on doing.

6) Assure that you have a rock solid alibi for the time in question. Unless, of course, you want to get caught.

6a) Set your trap. You did remember to plan it out, right?

7) Kill or torture and kill. Whatever method you chose earlier.

8) Clean up. Remember to not only dispose of the body with the technique you chose earlier, but to also get rid of any traces of yourself if you didn't do it at home.

9) Savor the pleasure of a job well done.

Some notes about working with a partner. Don't. One of you will flake out and turn on the other. Killing should be a solo job if you want to both get the job done and get away with it.

Finally, as much as you are proud of yourself for have finally killed, resist the temptation to brag about it. Some folks just don't get it.

2 comments:

Cindy said...

*bows at feet of genius*

Brigitta M. said...

Eesh, we've been through this before. You don't need to bow. Just offer chocolate. :)