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Weirding people out since 2006.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Death by the Numbers

Ok, so there's "50 ways to leave your lover" but how many ways can you kill someone? Just for the heck of it, here's a list off the top of my head.

  1. Fire-- This is especially handy since you can take care of any evidentiary problems at the same time. Be warned though, that it is quite easy to trace the source of an accelerant, so do this in an open field if you must.
  2. Fisticuffs-- Granted, not the most efficient method, but when you win it, it sure as hell is satisfying that you were able to do it by hand.
  3. Stabbing-- Very messy, defensive wounds are always a plus. Just keep a good grip on the handle of the knife, sword, whatever sharp implement your using and you'll have yourself a nice wet kill.
  4. Poisoning--With a bit of research and intelligence, you can determine not just how much pain the vic will be in, but close to when they will die. Warning: may screw up the possibility of an alibi if you use a slow acting poison such as arsenic. Worse, it may stop the vic from being dead in the first place since the poison could be recognized in the system before it becomes deadly.
  5. Shooting-- Not as easy as it seems since if you're not familiar with the weapon of choice, it could be easily nabbed from you. Modern ballistics technologies make this an even less recommended choice.
  6. Strangling-- Whether you choose to use a beautiful scarf (a la Boston strangler) or a wire (a la garrote style) this is a method that is best done if you take your vic by surprise.
  7. Suffocation-- While this could be considered a "bastard child" of strangulation, it also offers a variety of weapons that make it merit its own category. For example, just dope the vic up and wait 'til he or she passes out and then just roll and push down. Plastic bags are good for this as well.
  8. Drowning-- Either choose a vic who can't swim or a spot in a lake or ocean that is quite a ways away from shore. Take 'em for a boat ride and then push 'em overboard and let the fun begin.
  9. Electrocution-- Drop a toaster in the bathtub, or better yet, a hairdryer if it's your vic's hairdryer (you can always say that the vic liked to dry his or her hair in the tub. Just make sure there's enough hair to make this feasible) and let the sizzling commence.
  10. Pushing-- While this alone isn't deadly, if you make sure the building the two of you happen to be on at the time is high enough, the fall should do 'em in. Just make sure there's nothing to pad their landing.
  11. Engorgement/Starvation-- I've put these two together because they're both related to food and they both take quite a bit of time and patience. Granted, the starvation technique requires only a room you can lock them in, but if you ever saw Seven you'll know the cost of gluttony can be quite high as well.
  12. Exploitating Allergies-- Know someone who goes into anaphalactic shock if they eat onions? Well, do what Bree of Desperate Housewives did and sprinkle them liberally on your vic's salad. Bees and wasps are common allergens, you could always take your chances with those as well.
  13. Non-traditional-- While the methods listed above are pretty much it, the difference is the weapon of choice. Bash 'em over the head with a vacuum cleaner! Spork 'em 'til they're bloody! The possibilities are endless, the only limits are your own imagination.

As a final note, I'd like to say that ultimately the best weapon to choose is one that fits your personality, so choose wisely and happy hunting.

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