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Weirding people out since 2006.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Corpse Disposal: Part 2

In my last post I covered the most basic supplies that you will need in case of an impulse murder. This post presumes, however, that you now have the time to eliminate or otherwise dispose of a corpse.

  • Dumpster: For this method you'll just need a dumpster. For best results choose one far and away from the original murder scene. On a scale of 1-10 of recommended methods of disposal however, this one ranks a -1,000. There are just so many ways the body can be found even long after it has been brought to the dump.
  • Wood Chipper: Great if you live out in the country, not so good if you live in an apartment in the city as neighbors' will complain about the noise, plus it's a pain to haul up the stairs.
  • Acid: Be sure to use a heavy duty acid such as hydrochloric so that the body will dissolve quickly. If you don't want to destroy the flooring of your home, you may also wish to have a vat. However, if you are an apartment dweller and find the downstairs neighbors annoying, skip the vat and leave town for a long long while as the acid will destroy both your floor and your alibi.
  • Hope Chest: Unless your victim is petite, prepare to use an axe or chainsaw to chop him or her up. Since this is a rather messy procedure, you may also wish to cover up. I recommend a used butcher's apron since it already has bloodstains on it and any more will go unnoticed. Laying down plastic is also a good idea, especially since you can use that to wrap up the entire mess and just dump into the chest. One final note on hope chests, since you will more than likely have to get rid of that as well (vis a vis burial or submerging) make sure that the grandma that gave it to you is already dead (bonus irony points if the gift-giver is the one hidden in the chest).
  • Shallow Grave: Don't do this. Ever. Animals like to dig stuff up, especially stuff that smells like food and the cops will find the corpse before you can brag about it at the local bar. If you must dig up a hole in order to dispose of your corpse, take your danged time and tell any curious passers by that you found a treasure map and you just know the dubloons are down there somewhere.
  • Consumption: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it I always say. And with the price of meat just going through the roof, placing long pig stew on the menu just may do wonders for your budget. Unfortunately, this means you still have to get rid of the bones and since Rover likes to bury them in the backyard and will more than likely dig up a tell-tale skull at the most inconvenient time, grinding the bones to a fine powder and then just dumping them in the garbage may be the best solution. I recommend doing this with an old fashioned mortar and pestle since bones are hell on a food processor.
  • Incineration: Do your research before you try this method. Your household oven is not a good place to try and get rid of a body, nor is an industrial convection oven recommended. Slip it in with other corpses to be cremated during an extra busy period (winter holidays are the best for this) and no one will know that your vic's ashes just got mixed in with the dearly departed Aunt Edna.
  • Drowning: It can not be said enough: make sure the body will remain permanently submerged. Weigh it down with chains, cement boots, whatever it takes to assure a gaseous, water filled body will not float to the surface. Shallow lakes and rivers are also bad choices. Choose the deepest part of the ocean you can possibly get to and dump it over the side. Cruises are especially great times for this kind of disposal.
  • Toilets: This is only here because this has been tried and tried again without success. Don't do it unless you're a professional plumber who can tear apart those pipes and fix that clog on your own, Draino just doesn't cut it.

3 comments:

Cindy L said...

If I may add a modest suggestion to this masterpiece? Teehee... when submerging a corpse, don't tie chains/ropes around the wrists and ankles -- wrists and ankles rot and decay fast, hands and feet snap off, and the body floats to the surface before you can get back to the Person of the Year Award dinner to establish your alibi. I suggest putting weights around the waist; it'll hold a lot longer. I'm not sold on the old "cement shoes" ploy -- it's great if you want to watch the poor slob expire, but to really get rid of the evidence, you have to encase the whole body. Not half as fun.

Brigitta M. said...

Hmmm...good points, so I'd like to amend the "submersion" tip to include the idea of a sturdy, well-locked, weighed down, waterproof container. For the weights you can use anything from a number of dumbbells, to the chain used to seal the container and even a few stones that you may find lying around. Just make sure that it's heavy enough to sink to the bottom and stay at the bottom but not so heavy that you can't move the damn thing.

I'd also like to point out that if you have both the space and plenty of spare cement lying around, encasing an entire body this way can be quite amusing along the lines of "hiding in plain sight" a la statues, etc. Any inconvenience is more than compensated by the fortune you'll surely make by "creating" something so "lifelike."

Vance said...

okay, maybe it's just late or something, but I laughed my butt off reading this post.