What Me Worry? (With Due Apologies to Alfred E. Neuman and the Editors of Mad Magzine)

Like my life doesn't have enough hell in it, now I've found out there's someone on the web who wants to remind me about some more stuff to worry about.

I think I should to go lie down and dream about this.

The Real Reason I Write Horror

To cope with reality like this.

Some More Random Thoughts

• Would a good name for a for a coffee shop/bookstore specializing in mochas be "Cocoa Books?" Or would that only work if they served cereal too?
• Why is there a bowl of milk sitting on the counter from breakfast this morning? Oh yeah, 'cause I haven't nagged the kids enough. My bad.
• Should I quit smoking or just tell my doctor to mind his own damn business?
• What would happen if all the voices in my head just suddenly shut up? Would I be able to cope?
• Bruce Campbell.
• Drool.
• Sorry, forgot what I was going to say next. :/

Bad Ash vs. Darth Vader

Before I begin what is glaringly obvious to anyone who has read my blog, I'd like to say to all of the SF fans out there-- you're my type of peoples, but you may want to leave now before you bust your computer screen out of anger. Yeah, you know it, I'm biased, Bad Ash will win this battle. So, for your own sake-- go away.

Round 1: Origins

In this corner, we have Darth Vader aka Anakin Skywalker. At this point he's a whiny slaveboy who only wants his Mommy. When he gets older, he's a whiny Jedi who only wants his Mommy. Granted he gets his gets bonus points for killing an entire town, but he only did it...why? Because he's whiny and he wants his Mommy.

In the opposite corner we have Bad Ash. His origins are more along the lines of a really bad acid trip, the worst freakin' "Gulliver's Travels" nightmare ever and the Three Stooges. Yeah, it's fucked up, freaky, cool and all that rot. Bonus points for not whining to his Mommy.

Round 2: Transformation

Anakin was left to die on the volcanic planet of Mustafar. After this he's doomed to spend the rest of his life in a suit so his skin doesn't fall off, or something like that.

Bad Ash was first, face blasted with the ultimate weapon (aka Boomstick) then was chopped into pieces by the coolest chainsaw to ever glint on the silver screen. Did that bother him? Hardly, even when these pieces of him are tossed into a makeshift grave, he's still mouthing off. Even then, given a little time and the wrong words out of a book and he puts himself back together.

Round 3: Powers

You'd think Darth Vader would win this round, what with that force choke and all. Yeah, right, the only reason he does that is because he's afraid of getting his shiny black gloves dirty. If they remake the original trilogy perhaps Tony Shalhoub as Monk should do this role.

Bad Ash can raise the dead. Not only that, he brings them back smarter, funnier and tougher than they were in real life. Which brings us to the next point.

Round 4: Why They're Evil

Anakin Skywalker became evil because he kept having dreams that Padme was going to die. All but the most hardcore Star Wars fan would think this was a good plan. Not Anakin though, he joins the darkside in an attempt to save her. Funny thing is, she died anyway. Too bad he didn't get Bad Ash's powers eh?

Bad Ash is evil, well, because he's always been that way. He enjoys it, he revels in it. No guilt-tripping angsty crap here. Gotta love it.

Round 4: The Actors (or, you'd think this would be the end of it, but you'd be wrong!)

Anakin Skywalker was first played by (chronologically, not in the order the movies were released) Jake Lloyd, then Hayden Christensen then David Prowse (voiced by James Earl Jones). But wait! The Disassociative Identity Disorder that is the life of Darth doesn't end there!

Remember at the end of Return of the Jedi when under the creepy mask that is Darth Vader it's the not-so-creepy David Prowse who looks like he's perpetually playing harmonica 'til the end of time for some space opera version of the one man band? Then, later on, his ghostie self shows up and, get this, if you have a copy of the DVD before parts 1-3 came out, it's David Prowse in Jedi glory. But, if you have one after this time, it's yes, the one and only perpetually whiny Hayden Christensen as the ghostie. WTF?!?

Bad Ash was played by Bruce Campbell. 'Nuff said. Which brings me to my final point.

Round 5: Dead for real this time

Darth Vader took off his hat. This is what kills the big baddie? You'd think someone would have thought of it sooner, but that only proves what I've been saying all along: "As dumb as Anakin was, Luke was stupider." The apple not only didn't fall far from the tree, it went kersplat right into the realm of applesauce.

Bad Ash was run through with a joust, had his skin fried off, was punched in the jaw so many times that his eyes made like slot machines but it wasn't until he was hurled into space with a flaming seat of gunpowder that he finally went kablooie. And this, my dear readers (all six of you) is why Bad Ash is meaner, tougher, and cooler than Darth Vader, bar none because, as a bunch of people have been saying about Chuck Norris, in that only Chuck Norris can kick Chuck Norris's ass, but the death of Bad Ash proves:

ONLY BRUCE CAMPBELL CAN KICK BRUCE CAMPBELL'S ASS!

Random Thought

My shoes are untied.

Oh wait, I'm not wearing any shoes.

Never mind.

A Confession

It's official, after all this time, I'm finally addicted to YouTube. What took me so long? Well, I finally got a computer that can play all these moments of mini-fame without stuttering, stammering or otherwise stalling while I'm playing them.

So? What do I have that I'd like to share with the world?

Mary Poppins as you've never seen her before.

Rowan Atkinson welcomes you to my home.

Jalapeno on a Stick

Something to scare the neighbors with Always handy

If you'll notice there's a distinct lack of Bruce Campbell vids. That's because I don't wanna share him. :P

Organizing Your Parenting/Serial Killer Supplies

Someone who doubles as both a serial killer and a parent will find that both of these full-time jobs not only drain their time, but their precious space as well. I've found the following tips quite helpful.

Time Management

• Don't be afraid to delegate: It doesn't matter whether Junior soccer practice or your ex is the next on your "to do" list, someone else can always help you out. The key is to find out the right someone for the job. For example, that neighbor you hardly know except through your kids would be better to help you get Junior to his game while you work on stalking duties as opposed to the other way around. That said, if you have a best friend that is so drunk he or she isn't going to remember what happened anyway, ask this friend of yours to dispose of the corpse. Just don't let him or her dig the hole, unless you find yourself with too shallow of a grave and your friend sleeping in it.
• Use a PDA or one of those many other devices made for planning out your day: Don't forget to use it either. I know that sounds like redundant advice, but trust me, you don't want Junior coming downstairs because you forgot to tuck him in thereby interrupting an all important torturing session.
• The calendar is your friend: Ok, so Junior's party is on the 17th, but you want to obtain your next target by the 18th, what's a Mom to do? Use your calendar to reschedule one of them. I'd suggest the target obtainment since kids whose birthday parties have been re-scheduled can scream louder than a vic on electrical nipple clamps.

Organizational Tools and How to Use Them

• Rubbermaid bins: Yeah, I know there are cheaper versions, but trust me, you get what you pay for. My favorite use is the "drop off point." What you do is have (at least) one in every room of the home, whether it's your living room or your torture chamber. Small ones are great for clamps, scalpels, Happy Meal toys, and marbles. Medium sized ones are great for the trunk of your car (well, maybe not the Prius but anything larger than that, like a lunchbox, should have a fairly decent sized trunk), so whether you need to bring along your chloroform, rope and duct tape or your diaper bag and juice boxes, just stick it in there and you'll get where you're going without hassle as to where stuff is. The larger sized ones are my favorite, since the durability plus washability make it an excellent place to temporarily store corpses while I tidy up my workplace, it's also great for kids' toy boxes since no matter how many times you tell them "Do not eat in your room," they'll insist on bringing their favorite snacks for their stuffed animals to munch on.
• Lockboxes: While some people would argue that this is a great place to put the kids, I disagree. A used refrigerator is much better. Just put it on an empty lot, send your kids in the general direction of the empty lot and voila, they'll put themselves in there. It's better to get toolboxes to assure peanut butter and other sticky remnants of children stay off your bonesaw. Better yet, lock the door to the basement.
• Overlarge (aka "standalone") freezers: Excess meat, whether it's yesterday's corpse or tomorrow night's Hamburger Helper will last quite some time in these remarkable devices. And if you get the two confused? No matter, Junior won't be able to tell the difference anyway. Pre-processed food tastes like rotting corpse flesh anyway.

The Serial Killer/Parent Supply List

With all the insanity that is parenting, it's hard to tell whether or not you're a serial killer. Use the following checklist if you're not sure:

• Coffee: Used to ensure there is enough energy for your day's activities. Used by both.
• Duct tape: Multi-purpose tool used to repair things, whether it's "too much noise" or the dryer duct. Used by both.
• Rope: Used to tie things on the roof or in the trunk of the car. Used by both.
• Volume control: An object on many devices to turn the noise up or down depending on how loud the screaming is that's coming from the basement. Used by both.
• Van/SUV: Gas guzzling vehicle used to transport bodies to different locations. Used by both.
• Knife: A device designed to carve up meat. Used by both.
• Spork: An all purpose tool. Used by both.
• Pie: Another item utilized for energy on the go. Used by both.
• Spare clothing: Brought along in case of messy spills. Used by both.
• Camera: Useful for souvenir photographs. Used by both.

Well, damn, I guess this technique won't work. Good luck then!

Parenting Advice for the Serial Killer

Being a parent is tough enough, but doubling as a serial killer makes this quite a bit more than a full time job, so I'd like to offer some tips for those who handle this challenging double-duty.

• Lock your torture devices in a safe place: This is to assure little fingers don't get sticky stuff all over your favorite tools. There's nothing more embarrassing than pulling out your bonesaw, only to have it covered in peanut butter.
• Let your children join in the fun: There's nothing children enjoy more than to watch what their parents do for a living (or a killing as the case may be).
• Let the younger ones play as well: While you may not be ready to let your toddler handle the scalpel, they'll enjoy learning how to duct tape your latest prey's mouth and even hand you your gloves.
• Stalking can make for fun family outings: Don't forget to bring along snacks and games to keep the children occupied at key moments.
• Dirty diapers can NOT double as chloroform in a pinch: Although it may have made you woozy, it simply doesn't substitute for the speed and efficiency that is chloroform.
• Keep your "pick up the target" supplies away from the diaper bag: Vics just don't feel threatened when you pull out a bottle of formula as opposed to a knife or a gun.

Later, I'll put out a list of supplies that every parent/serial killer needs (as well as tips on how to keep both organized!)

Naptime

"Since on the seventh day God was finished with the work he had been doing, he rested on the seventh day from all the work he had undertaken." Genesis 2:2

Ok, so gets this, the Earth is brand spanking new, no people, just God and all the other things that He created. And what's he do? He takes a nap. Granted, all that Earth creation stuff must be pretty freakin' exhausting-- I get tired just jumping to conclusions. But after six days work, he takes a NAP? He's GOD people! He just pulled out the sleeper sofa and sawed some logs.

Which makes me wonder, now that all the folks are here, how often do you think He takes a nap? If I were him? I'd delegate the entire system to Satan and be done with it.

Oh wait...what if He's already done that and hasn't told anybody? Or what if that's what the Catholic Church has been hiding from us. Hmmmm....

+1

Today I received another fan. She let me know that she read every single article that I wrote on here. To this specific reader, I'd like to say the following:

1. Are you nuts? Reading all the articles in one fell swoop can make your head explode. Seriously, have you seen Scanners? That wasn't special effects, that was the result of reading my blog too quickly. If you have a headache, it's already too late. Sorry 'bout that.
2. I now have a total of five readers (that includes: me, my kids, someone else I know on the web and uh...you). At this rate I should be up to ten by the year 3027.
3. Finally, thanks Mom-not-Mom.

*Goes off wandering in the distance.* Imagine...ten readers...that'd be like double digits and stuff. WOOT!

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate

For those of you who don't recognize the title, it's the sign on the doorway leading to hell (according to Dante at least). Translated, it means "Abandon all hope ye who enter here."

I wonder what it would take to get that printed on a doormat?

Well...at least it's better than "Welcome" that sort of thing is just asking for norms to swing by for something other than supper.

I am not...

Here's a good ol' writer's prompt I dug out of some old files. It's one of those "complete the sentence things." Anyway, here's a sample of the things I am not.

• Tall enough to reach the upper cabinets and get that tool I need NOW.
• Short enough to crawl under the table to clean up the junk under there.
• Optimistic enough to believe "It all works out in the end." The only thing this applies to is shit, and we know what a reputation that has.
• Pessimistic enough to feel that one more day is going to be the end of me. It'll take at least two.
• Normal enough to think that listening to the voices in your head is a bad idea.
• Weird enough to do what all those voices tell me to.
• Dirty enough to be called "greasy," "nasty," "gross" or a combination of the above.
• Clean enough that I can't take some advice on organization now and then.
• Romantic enough to think that hearts and flowers are the be all to end all.
• Heartbroken enough to give up on romance for good.
• Weak-willed enough to think that saying "No" is a bad idea.
• Stubborn enough to think that giving in (sometimes) is for wimps.

Have I Really?

I dug through my archives and found quite a few things that surprised me:

• I've been blogging on and off for a lot longer than I think I had.
• I didn't remember a lot of what I had written.
• A lot of times I'm full of it, but more often than not I'm just weird.
• Anger is an interesting catalyst, but a terrible muse.
• Revenge though? Well that's a muse waiting to happen. :)

Fake Fan Mail

I used to have another blog in which I answered fake fan mail (since I don't get the real stuff, what the heck), so I thought I'd do the occasional feature here until I get the real stuff.

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Dear brigita,

How do you pronounce your name?

Signed,
Confuzzled

Dear Confuzzled,

Let's start with the spelling, shall we? Capital letter, two t's. And it's pronounced rather simply: "B" like the letter of the alphabet. As far as you're concerned all the other letters are just spares.

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Dear Blogger,

What's up with all the morbid stuff?

Signed,
Control Freak

Dear Dippy,

None of your damned business...now go over there before I'm forced to smack a restraining order on you.

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Dear Blog-type Person:

Since you hate the Dippy so much and you know so much about killing and stuff, why don't you just off him?

Signed,
Curious & Concerned

C&C,

First of all, who uses the term "off" anymore? Second of all, there are several reasons, not the least of which are:

• It's illegal (this is but a minor hinderance considering who is currently in charge).
• Alimony is a beautiful thing, ie, I need his money until I can get on my feet and support myself and my two boys.
• I'd much rather he died in some goofy cartoonish way (ie being crushed by an anvil or run over by a steamroller....better still a Zamboni) then any of the ways that I have in mind.
• Murder is time consuming. First there's the plotting, then the follow-through and the cleanup and finally the cover up. I'm a single mother of two boys, I do NOT have time for this.
• It'd cut into the other things I like to do. For example: scaring my neighbors for no particular reason, re-training my kids that their names are REALLY "Minion #1" and "Minion #2," oh yeah, and writing.

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Dear Blog Goddess,

April Fools' Day is coming up, do you have any ideas for pranks?

In All Humility,

Your Servant

First of all, I don't have servants I have MINIONS, pay attention folks. Secondly, it's about time someone addressed me properly. That said, I have but one prank, it's a doozy that may take several years to pull off properly, but trust me, your patience WILL be rewarded.

You'll need:

• A bunch of mannequins, blow up dolls, etc.
• A flashlight
• A shovel
• Plenty of room in your yard

Late one night, start burying the mannequins, blow up dolls, etc. Use only a flashlight for the visuals since anything brighter will give you away. Eventually, one of the neighbors will call the cops. Since burying mannequins is in no way illegal, the two of you will have a good laugh and all will be good. Do the same several years in a row until the cop doesn't even come up to check. After this, feel free to bury actual corpses, no one will be the wiser. :D

Fashion Tips

Well, well, I do feel absolutely inspired darlings, especially after taking a look at: Fashion for the Evil Doer. Problem is, even the site needs a makeover. Good idea honey, but that is sooooooo 80s, get with the times dear, evil is much more subtle than that and clothing isn't everything that makes for style that truly knocks 'em dead. Here's my tips and upgrades:

• Classic Black: Sure it's slimming, but the norms/good guys have taken over this color. I mean really...do you want your fashion sense to say "Keanu Reeves poser"? I don't think so. Besides, now it's all matchy-matchy...and what fun is that? I'd suggest some surgical scrub green, it's still classic, but that color is designed especially so the bloodstains don't stand out as much. Hard to find anything, but well, scrubs in this color, but add a stylish barbed-wire belt and it will show off those chainsaw lifting abs in no time.
• Corporate Suit: Only if you want a day job, and what's the point of being evil if you have to have one of those? Ugh...pass thanks.
• Supervillain Costume with Gimmicks: If you're spending all your time making pumpkin bombs than maybe, just maybe you need to peruse alternative forms of evil. May I suggest telemarketing or karaoke?
• Robotic Exoskeleton: Green Lantern's weakness was the color yellow. Yours is water. Do you see the problem here?
• Dark Gunslinger: Again, we're talking classic black here, but at least you get to wear a cool hat. Unfortunately, the only folks that look really good in this type of hat are Antonio Banderas...and um, he's one of the good guys. Proceed with caution.
• Brain in a Jar: Do you really want to spend the rest of your existence next to the mayonnaise and pickles? I don't think so.
• Intelligence Transferred into a Computer: Anything with an "off" button should not be considered an alternative lifestyle. 'Nuff said.
• Evil Twin/Clone: This is fashion? Sounds more like a hobby. NEXT!
• Wearing the Skin of Another Human: Alright, but if you're gonna do this one, you better be able to wear the classics well. Strut your stuff...or rather...their stuff!
• Never Revealing Your Face: Makes it really really really really hard for you to boss your minions around at the key moments:

You: KILL HIM!

Minion: Uh, who are you?

You: YOUR boss you nincompoop/idiot/random curse word combo.

Minion: And how am I supposed to know that?

Smokin'

I've smoked cigarettes on and off since I was 15 years old. My soon-to-be ex (aka the Dippy) has quit smoking. He started when he was 9. He's 10 years older than me. I figure I've got 16 years before I get that much smoking in. So...I think I'll just tell him to shut the hell up.

Sounds like a good idea anyway. :P

Why I Didn't Blog for a While

The real reason why it's been so long is rather mundane... left the comp with the Dippy (oh, and $10K+ in bills, but that's beside the point), but I think I prefer these excuses:

• With gas prices these days, I can't use my chainsaw anymore, so I've been doing all my "meal prep" by hand.
• I saw a sig line on a forum that said "Write like your face is on fire," thought it was a good idea and the rest is history.
• The winter around these parts is so cold that the ground is frozen solid making body disposal rather time consuming.
• My next door neighbor is a sheriff, making me have to take the long way around to get anything worthwhile done.
• Shortage of sporks
• Slipped in my own drool when looking at pics of Bruce Campbell.
• My dog ate it...oh...wait...I don't have a dog. My bad.
• I was going to get to it on Thursday, but I guess I should have specified which Thursday.
• Difficult to blog while I'm eating pie, especially with the spork shortage. Damnable sticky keys. :P
• No Virginia, there is NOT a Santa Claus put me in such a trauma that I still haven't recovered. Ok, let's forget for one moment that whole "no Santa Claus" thing is probably my fault and get on with it.

Wish List

Today's my birthday, so I figured I'd post my wish list. Granted, these aren't the kinds of things you can get from Amazon , but hey, it's worth a shot. Also, please note that I do accept late b'day presents up until December 23rd. After that I start calling them "Christmas presents."

• Bloodstained chainsaw--Yeah, I want to make sure it works the way I want it to (a year's worth of gas would be nice, but with today's prices I can't really expect that).
• Runcible spoon-- Remember "The Owl and the Pussycat" from early childhood days and you never knew what a runcible spoon was? Well, guess what, I want one. Why? It's the ancestor of the spork.
• Long pig pie-- Homemade preferably, but I'll accept store bought.
• Boomstick-- No, not just any double-barrelled shotgun will do. I want an unlimited ammo capacity as well. Ok, well, if I have to reload it once during a climatic shootout with a deadite, that's understandable.
• Bruce Campbell-- 'Nuff said.

Last Words

Not sure what you'll say when the world ends...try these lines on for size:

• "Uh-oh"
• "I really didn't that was going to work."
• "Zombies are real?"
• "I wonder what would happen if I mixed formula A with Chemical B?"
• "That spot in the sky is getting bigger…that cannot be good."
• "Uh…kids, I don't think there's going to be any school today."
• "Well…at least I'll finally get some peace and quiet."
• "And just when I was getting up my nerve to ask the boss for a raise THIS has to happen."
• "Damn, now we'll have to reboot the entire system."
• "Hey! That wasn't supposed to happen."
• "I figured it out! The secret to life, the universe, and everything is…..."
• "Well…at least you can't blame me for this one."