Fake Fan Mail

I used to have another blog in which I answered fake fan mail (since I don't get the real stuff, what the heck), so I thought I'd do the occasional feature here until I get the real stuff.

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Dear brigita,

How do you pronounce your name?

Signed,
Confuzzled

Dear Confuzzled,

Let's start with the spelling, shall we? Capital letter, two t's. And it's pronounced rather simply: "B" like the letter of the alphabet. As far as you're concerned all the other letters are just spares.

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Dear Blogger,

What's up with all the morbid stuff?

Signed,
Control Freak

Dear Dippy,

None of your damned business...now go over there before I'm forced to smack a restraining order on you.

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Dear Blog-type Person:

Since you hate the Dippy so much and you know so much about killing and stuff, why don't you just off him?

Signed,
Curious & Concerned

C&C,

First of all, who uses the term "off" anymore? Second of all, there are several reasons, not the least of which are:

• It's illegal (this is but a minor hinderance considering who is currently in charge).
• Alimony is a beautiful thing, ie, I need his money until I can get on my feet and support myself and my two boys.
• I'd much rather he died in some goofy cartoonish way (ie being crushed by an anvil or run over by a steamroller....better still a Zamboni) then any of the ways that I have in mind.
• Murder is time consuming. First there's the plotting, then the follow-through and the cleanup and finally the cover up. I'm a single mother of two boys, I do NOT have time for this.
• It'd cut into the other things I like to do. For example: scaring my neighbors for no particular reason, re-training my kids that their names are REALLY "Minion #1" and "Minion #2," oh yeah, and writing.

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Dear Blog Goddess,

April Fools' Day is coming up, do you have any ideas for pranks?

In All Humility,

Your Servant

First of all, I don't have servants I have MINIONS, pay attention folks. Secondly, it's about time someone addressed me properly. That said, I have but one prank, it's a doozy that may take several years to pull off properly, but trust me, your patience WILL be rewarded.

You'll need:

• A bunch of mannequins, blow up dolls, etc.
• A flashlight
• A shovel
• Plenty of room in your yard

Late one night, start burying the mannequins, blow up dolls, etc. Use only a flashlight for the visuals since anything brighter will give you away. Eventually, one of the neighbors will call the cops. Since burying mannequins is in no way illegal, the two of you will have a good laugh and all will be good. Do the same several years in a row until the cop doesn't even come up to check. After this, feel free to bury actual corpses, no one will be the wiser. :D