Bad Ash vs. Darth Vader

Before I begin what is glaringly obvious to anyone who has read my blog, I'd like to say to all of the SF fans out there-- you're my type of peoples, but you may want to leave now before you bust your computer screen out of anger. Yeah, you know it, I'm biased, Bad Ash will win this battle. So, for your own sake-- go away.

Round 1: Origins

In this corner, we have Darth Vader aka Anakin Skywalker. At this point he's a whiny slaveboy who only wants his Mommy. When he gets older, he's a whiny Jedi who only wants his Mommy. Granted he gets his gets bonus points for killing an entire town, but he only did it...why? Because he's whiny and he wants his Mommy.

In the opposite corner we have Bad Ash. His origins are more along the lines of a really bad acid trip, the worst freakin' "Gulliver's Travels" nightmare ever and the Three Stooges. Yeah, it's fucked up, freaky, cool and all that rot. Bonus points for not whining to his Mommy.

Round 2: Transformation

Anakin was left to die on the volcanic planet of Mustafar. After this he's doomed to spend the rest of his life in a suit so his skin doesn't fall off, or something like that.

Bad Ash was first, face blasted with the ultimate weapon (aka Boomstick) then was chopped into pieces by the coolest chainsaw to ever glint on the silver screen. Did that bother him? Hardly, even when these pieces of him are tossed into a makeshift grave, he's still mouthing off. Even then, given a little time and the wrong words out of a book and he puts himself back together.

Round 3: Powers

You'd think Darth Vader would win this round, what with that force choke and all. Yeah, right, the only reason he does that is because he's afraid of getting his shiny black gloves dirty. If they remake the original trilogy perhaps Tony Shalhoub as Monk should do this role.

Bad Ash can raise the dead. Not only that, he brings them back smarter, funnier and tougher than they were in real life. Which brings us to the next point.

Round 4: Why They're Evil

Anakin Skywalker became evil because he kept having dreams that Padme was going to die. All but the most hardcore Star Wars fan would think this was a good plan. Not Anakin though, he joins the darkside in an attempt to save her. Funny thing is, she died anyway. Too bad he didn't get Bad Ash's powers eh?

Bad Ash is evil, well, because he's always been that way. He enjoys it, he revels in it. No guilt-tripping angsty crap here. Gotta love it.

Round 4: The Actors (or, you'd think this would be the end of it, but you'd be wrong!)

Anakin Skywalker was first played by (chronologically, not in the order the movies were released) Jake Lloyd, then Hayden Christensen then David Prowse (voiced by James Earl Jones). But wait! The Disassociative Identity Disorder that is the life of Darth doesn't end there!

Remember at the end of Return of the Jedi when under the creepy mask that is Darth Vader it's the not-so-creepy David Prowse who looks like he's perpetually playing harmonica 'til the end of time for some space opera version of the one man band? Then, later on, his ghostie self shows up and, get this, if you have a copy of the DVD before parts 1-3 came out, it's David Prowse in Jedi glory. But, if you have one after this time, it's yes, the one and only perpetually whiny Hayden Christensen as the ghostie. WTF?!?

Bad Ash was played by Bruce Campbell. 'Nuff said. Which brings me to my final point.

Round 5: Dead for real this time

Darth Vader took off his hat. This is what kills the big baddie? You'd think someone would have thought of it sooner, but that only proves what I've been saying all along: "As dumb as Anakin was, Luke was stupider." The apple not only didn't fall far from the tree, it went kersplat right into the realm of applesauce.

Bad Ash was run through with a joust, had his skin fried off, was punched in the jaw so many times that his eyes made like slot machines but it wasn't until he was hurled into space with a flaming seat of gunpowder that he finally went kablooie. And this, my dear readers (all six of you) is why Bad Ash is meaner, tougher, and cooler than Darth Vader, bar none because, as a bunch of people have been saying about Chuck Norris, in that only Chuck Norris can kick Chuck Norris's ass, but the death of Bad Ash proves:

ONLY BRUCE CAMPBELL CAN KICK BRUCE CAMPBELL'S ASS!