Da Rules for Zombie Survival

1. Accept the reality, zombies exist. This will keep you from panicking.


2. Know your limits. Zombies are tireless creatures who tend to amass in hordes. If you feel exhausted, outsmart them instead of outrunning them.


3. Avoid travelling if at all possible, but if you must, go with someone you trust to have your back.


4. Furthermore, when travelling, do it during the day. Whether or not zombies have better night vision than we do is a subject of some debate, but the fact is, you have a better chance to survive if you can see them before they can see you, and this is a lot easier during the daylight hours.


5. Always know where your weapon is. Better still, have more than one.


6. Never, whatever you do, assume that they're all gone. I don't care if you heard it from a "reliable source." If they showed up once, they can and will return at any moment.


7. There's a time to be witty and charming and there's a time to shut the fuck up. Know how to discern between the two.


8. Pay attention to your clothing. Is it as thick as the weather permits? A suit of armor is ideal when it comes to durability, but it lacks in mobility. A helmet, while not necessarily stylish, may keep the zombies out of your brain. The most important thing though, is to keep your outfit as close to your body as possible. Loose and baggy may just give the zombies something to grab onto.


9. Stay hydrated. Make sure you have consistant access to fresh, clean water.


10. Lock the goddamned door already.

Do you have your towel?

To honor the life and passing of Douglas Adams (author of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy), May 25th is considered Towel Day, whereby everyone carries a towel with them in order to prepare for, well, everything.

Click the banner if you need more information about the amazing frood.

CRAP! I KNEW IT!

It's official, Z-Day is here.

Want proof? Just watch these vids:

ZOMBIE footage real!?

LEAKED! Zombie Outbreak!

Wax demo. Sexy (I don't name these things. I just report 'em. That said, this is one of the best uses for duct tape I've seen in a while.)

REAL! Zombie Attack. Look quick before they take it down.

Exclusive Zombie Documentry. Real (You heard the man. What are you waiting for?)

Fun with Chainsaws

Sorry to get your hopes up, but this has nothing to do with mass slaughter with my second all time favorite weapon (the first being the spork). No, it has more to do with porn. Huh? Yeah, weird, porn and chainsaws really don't go together, but insert the word "chainsaw" into any porn title, and let's just say...the movie just got a lot more interesting. Some examples:

• Debbie's Chainsaw Does Dallas: Woops, there goes Texas (well, outside of that certain "massacre" that we know and love).
• Slutty Chainsaw Hitchhikers: Oh dear, now it's no longer safe to pick up passengers.
• Tits and Chainsaws Ahoy!: Ok, that's just weird.
• Naught Chainsaw Wielding Chainsaw Girls: Well, that's it for higher education.
• Private Reserve Chainsaws: Hmmm...sounds like my ideal back 40.
• Strap-On Action Chainsaws: Didn't Ash already do that in the Evil Dead series?
• Chainsaw Gang Bangers: Yep...I done did it. Scared the crap outta myself. I do that sometimes.

I'm a Zombie Freak

So why the heck haven't I written anything about zombies on this page in two danged years (and even then, it was a lame ass song)? To make up for lost time, I've compiled an essential list so everyone knows that the zombie apocalypse (aka Z-Day) is not only here, but there are steps you can take to not only survive, but thrive in this undead world.

• Lost Zombies Get the latest info and updates, create your own page to share your techniques of zombie survival and let everyone know you're out there. According to Lek (the owner of the site), he'll even be creating a documentry so those in the general media can no longer deny what we already know. Z-Day is already here.
• Zombie Survival Quiz Do you really have what it takes to make it during these trying times? This 52 question quiz will let you know.
• Post-Apocalyptic Workout Whether you have what it takes, or you don't, polishing your skills to post Z-Day levels is an absolute necessity. This site discusses not only working out your body, but your mind too... a skill often neglected in these trying times.
• Zombie Squad Once you're in fighting condition, or even if you're not, the Zombie Squad is there to assure the survival of everyone. Join or just praise these fighting troops, it's up to you.
• Zombie Friends Finally, kick back, relax, and communicate with the handful of folks left on this barren planet.
  

YANK!

Due to being born without any enamel (hey, it was the 60s, I could have been a Thalidomide baby-- ok, that was a bit before my time, but still...), it was only a matter of time before some dentist told me I was going to just have to get my teeth pulled. Yeah, all of 'em. Not just the wisdom teeth, but every single freakin' broken one of 'em.

I was kind of hoping this wasn't going to happen for another, oh, I don't know, twenty years, but hey, on the bright side, I'll have my dentures by the time Halloween rolls around. Yep, yet another toy for me to scare the neighborhood kids with. Mwa ha ha!

What Me Worry? (With Due Apologies to Alfred E. Neuman and the Editors of Mad Magzine)

Like my life doesn't have enough hell in it, now I've found out there's someone on the web who wants to remind me about some more stuff to worry about.

I think I should to go lie down and dream about this.