Sometimes I Scare Myself

Even More Random Thoughts

2008-06-13T02:40:00.003-04:00

You don't have to be that fast. You just have to be faster than the other person.
Ever notice that people in zombie flicks never wrinkle their nose at what must be a horrid odor?
I have a cousin of mine who likes to do the goth-vamp thing. Her wish is that someday she'll become a vampire. When a vampire turns you, in some circles it's called "the kiss." So, if my cousin got turned and then she turned me, would we then be kissing cousins?
How much blood would a bloodchuck bleed?
Possible starting line: "You know you're not going to shoot me."
Possible starting line #2: "Well that hurt. Maybe I shouldn't do that again. I think I will anyway."
Possible starting line #3: "I shoulda listened to my Mama, she done told me dat the zombies were comin' and now I done broke my chainsaw."

Da Rules for Zombie Survival

2008-05-27T05:32:00.003-04:00

Accept the reality, zombies exist. This will keep you from panicking.

Know your limits. Zombies are tireless creatures who tend to amass in hordes. If you feel exhausted, outsmart them instead of outrunning them.

Avoid travelling if at all possible, but if you must, go with someone you trust to have your back.

Furthermore, when travelling, do it during the day. Whether or not zombies have better night vision than we do is a subject of some debate, but the fact is, you have a better chance to survive if you can see them before they can see you, and this is a lot easier during the daylight hours.

Always know where your weapon is. Better still, have more than one.

Never, whatever you do, assume that they're all gone. I don't care if you heard it from a "reliable source." If they showed up once, they can and will return at any moment.

There's a time to be witty and charming and there's a time to shut the fuck up. Know how to discern between the two.

Pay attention to your clothing. Is it as thick as the weather permits? A suit of armor is ideal when it comes to durability, but it lacks in mobility. A helmet, while not necessarily stylish, may keep the zombies out of your brain. The most important thing though, is to keep your outfit as close to your body as possible. Loose and baggy may just give the zombies something to grab onto.

Stay hydrated. Make sure you have consistant access to fresh, clean water.

Lock the goddamned door already.

Do you have your towel?

2008-05-24T16:47:00.003-04:00

To honor the life and passing of Douglas Adams (author of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy), May 25th is considered Towel Day, whereby everyone carries a towel with them in order to prepare for, well, everything.

Click the banner if you need more information about the amazing frood.

CRAP! I KNEW IT!

2008-05-23T00:50:00.002-04:00

It's official, Z-Day is here.

Want proof? Just watch these vids:

ZOMBIE footage real!?

LEAKED! Zombie Outbreak!

Wax demo. Sexy (I don't name these things. I just report 'em. That said, this is one of the best uses for duct tape I've seen in a while.)

REAL! Zombie Attack. Look quick before they take it down.

Exclusive Zombie Documentry. Real (You heard the man. What are you waiting for?)

Fun with Chainsaws

2008-05-20T23:41:00.003-04:00

Sorry to get your hopes up, but this has nothing to do with mass slaughter with my second all time favorite weapon (the first being the spork). No, it has more to do with porn. Huh? Yeah, weird, porn and chainsaws really don't go together, but insert the word "chainsaw" into any porn title, and let's just say...the movie just got a lot more interesting. Some examples:

Debbie's Chainsaw Does Dallas: Woops, there goes Texas (well, outside of that certain "massacre" that we know and love).
Slutty Chainsaw Hitchhikers: Oh dear, now it's no longer safe to pick up passengers.
Tits and Chainsaws Ahoy!: Ok, that's just weird.
Naught Chainsaw Wielding Chainsaw Girls: Well, that's it for higher education.
Private Reserve Chainsaws: Hmmm...sounds like my ideal back 40.
Strap-On Action Chainsaws: Didn't Ash already do that in the Evil Dead series?
Chainsaw Gang Bangers: Yep...I done did it. Scared the crap outta myself. I do that sometimes.

I'm a Zombie Freak

2008-05-13T00:48:00.002-04:00

So why the heck haven't I written anything about zombies on this page in two danged years (and even then, it was a lame ass song)? To make up for lost time, I've compiled an essential list so everyone knows that the zombie apocalypse (aka Z-Day) is not only here, but there are steps you can take to not only survive, but thrive in this undead world.

Lost Zombies Get the latest info and updates, create your own page to share your techniques of zombie survival and let everyone know you're out there. According to Lek (the owner of the site), he'll even be creating a documentry so those in the general media can no longer deny what we already know. Z-Day is already here.
Zombie Survival Quiz Do you really have what it takes to make it during these trying times? This 52 question quiz will let you know.
Post-Apocalyptic Workout Whether you have what it takes, or you don't, polishing your skills to post Z-Day levels is an absolute necessity. This site discusses not only working out your body, but your mind too... a skill often neglected in these trying times.
Zombie Squad Once you're in fighting condition, or even if you're not, the Zombie Squad is there to assure the survival of everyone. Join or just praise these fighting troops, it's up to you.
Zombie Friends Finally, kick back, relax, and communicate with the handful of folks left on this barren planet.

YANK!

2008-05-03T21:27:00.003-04:00

Due to being born without any enamel (hey, it was the 60s, I could have been a Thalidomide baby-- ok, that was a bit before my time, but still...), it was only a matter of time before some dentist told me I was going to just have to get my teeth pulled. Yeah, all of 'em. Not just the wisdom teeth, but every single freakin' broken one of 'em.

I was kind of hoping this wasn't going to happen for another, oh, I don't know, twenty years, but hey, on the bright side, I'll have my dentures by the time Halloween rolls around. Yep, yet another toy for me to scare the neighborhood kids with. Mwa ha ha!

What Me Worry? (With Due Apologies to Alfred E. Neuman and the Editors of Mad Magzine)

2008-05-01T23:47:00.004-04:00

Like my life doesn't have enough hell in it, now I've found out there's someone on the web who wants to remind me about some more stuff to worry about.

I think I should to go lie down and dream about this.

The Real Reason I Write Horror

2008-04-28T23:56:00.002-04:00

To cope with reality like this.

Some More Random Thoughts

2008-04-26T03:32:00.003-04:00

Would a good name for a for a coffee shop/bookstore specializing in mochas be "Cocoa Books?" Or would that only work if they served cereal too?
Why is there a bowl of milk sitting on the counter from breakfast this morning? Oh yeah, 'cause I haven't nagged the kids enough. My bad.
Should I quit smoking or just tell my doctor to mind his own damn business?
What would happen if all the voices in my head just suddenly shut up? Would I be able to cope?
Bruce Campbell.
Drool.
Sorry, forgot what I was going to say next. :/

Bad Ash vs. Darth Vader

2008-04-24T23:53:00.004-04:00

Before I begin what is glaringly obvious to anyone who has read my blog, I'd like to say to all of the SF fans out there-- you're my type of peoples, but you may want to leave now before you bust your computer screen out of anger. Yeah, you know it, I'm biased, Bad Ash will win this battle. So, for your own sake-- go away.

Round 1: Origins

In this corner, we have Darth Vader aka Anakin Skywalker. At this point he's a whiny slaveboy who only wants his Mommy. When he gets older, he's a whiny Jedi who only wants his Mommy. Granted he gets his gets bonus points for killing an entire town, but he only did it...why? Because he's whiny and he wants his Mommy.

In the opposite corner we have Bad Ash. His origins are more along the lines of a really bad acid trip, the worst freakin' "Gulliver's Travels" nightmare ever and the Three Stooges. Yeah, it's fucked up, freaky, cool and all that rot. Bonus points for not whining to his Mommy.

Round 2: Transformation

Anakin was left to die on the volcanic planet of Mustafar. After this he's doomed to spend the rest of his life in a suit so his skin doesn't fall off, or something like that.

Bad Ash was first, face blasted with the ultimate weapon (aka Boomstick) then was chopped into pieces by the coolest chainsaw to ever glint on the silver screen. Did that bother him? Hardly, even when these pieces of him are tossed into a makeshift grave, he's still mouthing off. Even then, given a little time and the wrong words out of a book and he puts himself back together.

Round 3: Powers

You'd think Darth Vader would win this round, what with that force choke and all. Yeah, right, the only reason he does that is because he's afraid of getting his shiny black gloves dirty. If they remake the original trilogy perhaps Tony Shalhoub as Monk should do this role.

Bad Ash can raise the dead. Not only that, he brings them back smarter, funnier and tougher than they were in real life. Which brings us to the next point.

Round 4: Why They're Evil

Anakin Skywalker became evil because he kept having dreams that Padme was going to die. All but the most hardcore Star Wars fan would think this was a good plan. Not Anakin though, he joins the darkside in an attempt to save her. Funny thing is, she died anyway. Too bad he didn't get Bad Ash's powers eh?

Bad Ash is evil, well, because he's always been that way. He enjoys it, he revels in it. No guilt-tripping angsty crap here. Gotta love it.

Round 4: The Actors (or, you'd think this would be the end of it, but you'd be wrong!)

Anakin Skywalker was first played by (chronologically, not in the order the movies were released) Jake Lloyd, then Hayden Christensen then David Prowse (voiced by James Earl Jones). But wait! The Disassociative Identity Disorder that is the life of Darth doesn't end there!

Remember at the end of Return of the Jedi when under the creepy mask that is Darth Vader it's the not-so-creepy David Prowse who looks like he's perpetually playing harmonica 'til the end of time for some space opera version of the one man band? Then, later on, his ghostie self shows up and, get this, if you have a copy of the DVD before parts 1-3 came out, it's David Prowse in Jedi glory. But, if you have one after this time, it's yes, the one and only perpetually whiny Hayden Christensen as the ghostie. WTF?!?

Bad Ash was played by Bruce Campbell. 'Nuff said. Which brings me to my final point.

Round 5: Dead for real this time

Darth Vader took off his hat. This is what kills the big baddie? You'd think someone would have thought of it sooner, but that only proves what I've been saying all along: "As dumb as Anakin was, Luke was stupider." The apple not only didn't fall far from the tree, it went kersplat right into the realm of applesauce.

Bad Ash was run through with a joust, had his skin fried off, was punched in the jaw so many times that his eyes made like slot machines but it wasn't until he was hurled into space with a flaming seat of gunpowder that he finally went kablooie. And this, my dear readers (all six of you) is why Bad Ash is meaner, tougher, and cooler than Darth Vader, bar none because, as a bunch of people have been saying about Chuck Norris, in that only Chuck Norris can kick Chuck Norris's ass, but the death of Bad Ash proves:

ONLY BRUCE CAMPBELL CAN KICK BRUCE CAMPBELL'S ASS!

Random Thought

2008-04-23T22:40:00.002-04:00

My shoes are untied.

Oh wait, I'm not wearing any shoes.

Never mind.

A Confession

2008-04-21T21:03:00.004-04:00

It's official, after all this time, I'm finally addicted to YouTube. What took me so long? Well, I finally got a computer that can play all these moments of mini-fame without stuttering, stammering or otherwise stalling while I'm playing them.

So? What do I have that I'd like to share with the world?

Mary Poppins as you've never seen her before.

Rowan Atkinson welcomes you to my home.

Jalapeno on a Stick

Something to scare the neighbors with Always handy

If you'll notice there's a distinct lack of Bruce Campbell vids. That's because I don't wanna share him. :P

Organizing Your Parenting/Serial Killer Supplies

2008-04-18T03:16:00.002-04:00

Someone who doubles as both a serial killer and a parent will find that both of these full-time jobs not only drain their time, but their precious space as well. I've found the following tips quite helpful.

Time Management

Don't be afraid to delegate: It doesn't matter whether Junior soccer practice or your ex is the next on your "to do" list, someone else can always help you out. The key is to find out the right someone for the job. For example, that neighbor you hardly know except through your kids would be better to help you get Junior to his game while you work on stalking duties as opposed to the other way around. That said, if you have a best friend that is so drunk he or she isn't going to remember what happened anyway, ask this friend of yours to dispose of the corpse. Just don't let him or her dig the hole, unless you find yourself with too shallow of a grave and your friend sleeping in it.
Use a PDA or one of those many other devices made for planning out your day: Don't forget to use it either. I know that sounds like redundant advice, but trust me, you don't want Junior coming downstairs because you forgot to tuck him in thereby interrupting an all important torturing session.
The calendar is your friend: Ok, so Junior's party is on the 17th, but you want to obtain your next target by the 18th, what's a Mom to do? Use your calendar to reschedule one of them. I'd suggest the target obtainment since kids whose birthday parties have been re-scheduled can scream louder than a vic on electrical nipple clamps.

Organizational Tools and How to Use Them

Rubbermaid bins: Yeah, I know there are cheaper versions, but trust me, you get what you pay for. My favorite use is the "drop off point." What you do is have (at least) one in every room of the home, whether it's your living room or your torture chamber. Small ones are great for clamps, scalpels, Happy Meal toys, and marbles. Medium sized ones are great for the trunk of your car (well, maybe not the Prius but anything larger than that, like a lunchbox, should have a fairly decent sized trunk), so whether you need to bring along your chloroform, rope and duct tape or your diaper bag and juice boxes, just stick it in there and you'll get where you're going without hassle as to where stuff is. The larger sized ones are my favorite, since the durability plus washability make it an excellent place to temporarily store corpses while I tidy up my workplace, it's also great for kids' toy boxes since no matter how many times you tell them "Do not eat in your room," they'll insist on bringing their favorite snacks for their stuffed animals to munch on.
Lockboxes: While some people would argue that this is a great place to put the kids, I disagree. A used refrigerator is much better. Just put it on an empty lot, send your kids in the general direction of the empty lot and voila, they'll put themselves in there. It's better to get toolboxes to assure peanut butter and other sticky remnants of children stay off your bonesaw. Better yet, lock the door to the basement.
Overlarge (aka "standalone") freezers: Excess meat, whether it's yesterday's corpse or tomorrow night's Hamburger Helper will last quite some time in these remarkable devices. And if you get the two confused? No matter, Junior won't be able to tell the difference anyway. Pre-processed food tastes like rotting corpse flesh anyway.

The Serial Killer/Parent Supply List

2008-04-14T00:51:00.003-04:00

With all the insanity that is parenting, it's hard to tell whether or not you're a serial killer. Use the following checklist if you're not sure:

Coffee: Used to ensure there is enough energy for your day's activities. Used by both.
Duct tape: Multi-purpose tool used to repair things, whether it's "too much noise" or the dryer duct. Used by both.
Rope: Used to tie things on the roof or in the trunk of the car. Used by both.
Volume control: An object on many devices to turn the noise up or down depending on how loud the screaming is that's coming from the basement. Used by both.
Van/SUV: Gas guzzling vehicle used to transport bodies to different locations. Used by both.
Knife: A device designed to carve up meat. Used by both.
Spork: An all purpose tool. Used by both.
Pie: Another item utilized for energy on the go. Used by both.
Spare clothing: Brought along in case of messy spills. Used by both.
Camera: Useful for souvenir photographs. Used by both.

Well, damn, I guess this technique won't work. Good luck then!

Parenting Advice for the Serial Killer

2008-04-10T11:45:00.007-04:00

Being a parent is tough enough, but doubling as a serial killer makes this quite a bit more than a full time job, so I'd like to offer some tips for those who handle this challenging double-duty.

Lock your torture devices in a safe place: This is to assure little fingers don't get sticky stuff all over your favorite tools. There's nothing more embarrassing than pulling out your bonesaw, only to have it covered in peanut butter.
Let your children join in the fun: There's nothing children enjoy more than to watch what their parents do for a living (or a killing as the case may be).
Let the younger ones play as well: While you may not be ready to let your toddler handle the scalpel, they'll enjoy learning how to duct tape your latest prey's mouth and even hand you your gloves.
Stalking can make for fun family outings: Don't forget to bring along snacks and games to keep the children occupied at key moments.
Dirty diapers can NOT double as chloroform in a pinch: Although it may have made you woozy, it simply doesn't substitute for the speed and efficiency that is chloroform.
Keep your "pick up the target" supplies away from the diaper bag: Vics just don't feel threatened when you pull out a bottle of formula as opposed to a knife or a gun.

Later, I'll put out a list of supplies that every parent/serial killer needs (as well as tips on how to keep both organized!)

Naptime

2008-04-06T01:02:00.005-04:00

"Since on the seventh day God was finished with the work he had been doing, he rested on the seventh day from all the work he had undertaken." Genesis 2:2

Ok, so gets this, the Earth is brand spanking new, no people, just God and all the other things that He created. And what's he do? He takes a nap. Granted, all that Earth creation stuff must be pretty freakin' exhausting-- I get tired just jumping to conclusions. But after six days work, he takes a NAP? He's GOD people! He just pulled out the sleeper sofa and sawed some logs.

Which makes me wonder, now that all the folks are here, how often do you think He takes a nap? If I were him? I'd delegate the entire system to Satan and be done with it.

Oh wait...what if He's already done that and hasn't told anybody? Or what if that's what the Catholic Church has been hiding from us. Hmmmm....

+1

2008-04-03T17:56:00.003-04:00

Today I received another fan. She let me know that she read every single article that I wrote on here. To this specific reader, I'd like to say the following:

Are you nuts? Reading all the articles in one fell swoop can make your head explode. Seriously, have you seen Scanners? That wasn't special effects, that was the result of reading my blog too quickly. If you have a headache, it's already too late. Sorry 'bout that.
I now have a total of five readers (that includes: me, my kids, someone else I know on the web and uh...you). At this rate I should be up to ten by the year 3027.
Finally, thanks Mom-not-Mom.

*Goes off wandering in the distance.* Imagine...ten readers...that'd be like double digits and stuff. WOOT!

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate

2008-04-01T22:06:00.002-04:00

For those of you who don't recognize the title, it's the sign on the doorway leading to hell (according to Dante at least). Translated, it means "Abandon all hope ye who enter here."

I wonder what it would take to get that printed on a doormat?

Well...at least it's better than "Welcome" that sort of thing is just asking for norms to swing by for something other than supper.

I am not...

2008-03-31T02:24:00.002-04:00

Here's a good ol' writer's prompt I dug out of some old files. It's one of those "complete the sentence things." Anyway, here's a sample of the things I am not.

Tall enough to reach the upper cabinets and get that tool I need NOW.
Short enough to crawl under the table to clean up the junk under there.
Optimistic enough to believe "It all works out in the end." The only thing this applies to is shit, and we know what a reputation that has.
Pessimistic enough to feel that one more day is going to be the end of me. It'll take at least two.
Normal enough to think that listening to the voices in your head is a bad idea.
Weird enough to do what all those voices tell me to.
Dirty enough to be called "greasy," "nasty," "gross" or a combination of the above.
Clean enough that I can't take some advice on organization now and then.
Romantic enough to think that hearts and flowers are the be all to end all.
Heartbroken enough to give up on romance for good.
Weak-willed enough to think that saying "No" is a bad idea.
Stubborn enough to think that giving in (sometimes) is for wimps.

Have I Really?

2008-03-27T15:41:00.003-04:00

I dug through my archives and found quite a few things that surprised me:

I've been blogging on and off for a lot longer than I think I had.
I didn't remember a lot of what I had written.
A lot of times I'm full of it, but more often than not I'm just weird.
Anger is an interesting catalyst, but a terrible muse.
Revenge though? Well that's a muse waiting to happen. :)

Fake Fan Mail

2008-03-26T16:58:00.003-04:00

I used to have another blog in which I answered fake fan mail (since I don't get the real stuff, what the heck), so I thought I'd do the occasional feature here until I get the real stuff.

---------

Dear brigita,

How do you pronounce your name?

Signed,
Confuzzled

Dear Confuzzled,

Let's start with the spelling, shall we? Capital letter, two t's. And it's pronounced rather simply: "B" like the letter of the alphabet. As far as you're concerned all the other letters are just spares.

---------

Dear Blogger,

What's up with all the morbid stuff?

Signed,
Control Freak

Dear Dippy,

None of your damned business...now go over there before I'm forced to smack a restraining order on you.

--------------

Dear Blog-type Person:

Since you hate the Dippy so much and you know so much about killing and stuff, why don't you just off him?

Signed,
Curious & Concerned

C&C,

First of all, who uses the term "off" anymore? Second of all, there are several reasons, not the least of which are:

It's illegal (this is but a minor hinderance considering who is currently in charge).
Alimony is a beautiful thing, ie, I need his money until I can get on my feet and support myself and my two boys.
I'd much rather he died in some goofy cartoonish way (ie being crushed by an anvil or run over by a steamroller....better still a Zamboni) then any of the ways that I have in mind.
Murder is time consuming. First there's the plotting, then the follow-through and the cleanup and finally the cover up. I'm a single mother of two boys, I do NOT have time for this.
It'd cut into the other things I like to do. For example: scaring my neighbors for no particular reason, re-training my kids that their names are REALLY "Minion #1" and "Minion #2," oh yeah, and writing.

-------------------

Dear Blog Goddess,

April Fools' Day is coming up, do you have any ideas for pranks?

In All Humility,

Your Servant

First of all, I don't have servants I have MINIONS, pay attention folks. Secondly, it's about time someone addressed me properly. That said, I have but one prank, it's a doozy that may take several years to pull off properly, but trust me, your patience WILL be rewarded.

You'll need:

A bunch of mannequins, blow up dolls, etc.
A flashlight
A shovel
Plenty of room in your yard

Late one night, start burying the mannequins, blow up dolls, etc. Use only a flashlight for the visuals since anything brighter will give you away. Eventually, one of the neighbors will call the cops. Since burying mannequins is in no way illegal, the two of you will have a good laugh and all will be good. Do the same several years in a row until the cop doesn't even come up to check. After this, feel free to bury actual corpses, no one will be the wiser. :D

Fashion Tips

2008-03-23T21:09:00.003-04:00

Well, well, I do feel absolutely inspired darlings, especially after taking a look at: Fashion for the Evil Doer. Problem is, even the site needs a makeover. Good idea honey, but that is sooooooo 80s, get with the times dear, evil is much more subtle than that and clothing isn't everything that makes for style that truly knocks 'em dead. Here's my tips and upgrades:

Classic Black: Sure it's slimming, but the norms/good guys have taken over this color. I mean really...do you want your fashion sense to say "Keanu Reeves poser"? I don't think so. Besides, now it's all matchy-matchy...and what fun is that? I'd suggest some surgical scrub green, it's still classic, but that color is designed especially so the bloodstains don't stand out as much. Hard to find anything, but well, scrubs in this color, but add a stylish barbed-wire belt and it will show off those chainsaw lifting abs in no time.
Corporate Suit: Only if you want a day job, and what's the point of being evil if you have to have one of those? Ugh...pass thanks.
Supervillain Costume with Gimmicks: If you're spending all your time making pumpkin bombs than maybe, just maybe you need to peruse alternative forms of evil. May I suggest telemarketing or karaoke?
Robotic Exoskeleton: Green Lantern's weakness was the color yellow. Yours is water. Do you see the problem here?
Dark Gunslinger: Again, we're talking classic black here, but at least you get to wear a cool hat. Unfortunately, the only folks that look really good in this type of hat are Antonio Banderas...and um, he's one of the good guys. Proceed with caution.
Brain in a Jar: Do you really want to spend the rest of your existence next to the mayonnaise and pickles? I don't think so.
Intelligence Transferred into a Computer: Anything with an "off" button should not be considered an alternative lifestyle. 'Nuff said.
Evil Twin/Clone: This is fashion? Sounds more like a hobby. NEXT!
Wearing the Skin of Another Human: Alright, but if you're gonna do this one, you better be able to wear the classics well. Strut your stuff...or rather...their stuff!
Never Revealing Your Face: Makes it really really really really hard for you to boss your minions around at the key moments:

You: KILL HIM!

Minion: Uh, who are you?

You: YOUR boss you nincompoop/idiot/random curse word combo.

Minion: And how am I supposed to know that?

Smokin'

2008-03-22T16:47:00.002-04:00

I've smoked cigarettes on and off since I was 15 years old. My soon-to-be ex (aka the Dippy) has quit smoking. He started when he was 9. He's 10 years older than me. I figure I've got 16 years before I get that much smoking in. So...I think I'll just tell him to shut the hell up.

Sounds like a good idea anyway. :P

Why I Didn't Blog for a While

2008-03-22T02:42:00.003-04:00

The real reason why it's been so long is rather mundane... left the comp with the Dippy (oh, and $10K+ in bills, but that's beside the point), but I think I prefer these excuses:

With gas prices these days, I can't use my chainsaw anymore, so I've been doing all my "meal prep" by hand.
I saw a sig line on a forum that said "Write like your face is on fire," thought it was a good idea and the rest is history.
The winter around these parts is so cold that the ground is frozen solid making body disposal rather time consuming.
My next door neighbor is a sheriff, making me have to take the long way around to get anything worthwhile done.
Shortage of sporks
Slipped in my own drool when looking at pics of Bruce Campbell.
My dog ate it...oh...wait...I don't have a dog. My bad.
I was going to get to it on Thursday, but I guess I should have specified which Thursday.
Difficult to blog while I'm eating pie, especially with the spork shortage. Damnable sticky keys. :P
No Virginia, there is NOT a Santa Claus put me in such a trauma that I still haven't recovered. Ok, let's forget for one moment that whole "no Santa Claus" thing is probably my fault and get on with it.

Wish List

2008-03-19T13:53:00.003-04:00

Today's my birthday, so I figured I'd post my wish list. Granted, these aren't the kinds of things you can get from Amazon , but hey, it's worth a shot. Also, please note that I do accept late b'day presents up until December 23rd. After that I start calling them "Christmas presents."

Bloodstained chainsaw--Yeah, I want to make sure it works the way I want it to (a year's worth of gas would be nice, but with today's prices I can't really expect that).
Runcible spoon-- Remember "The Owl and the Pussycat" from early childhood days and you never knew what a runcible spoon was? Well, guess what, I want one. Why? It's the ancestor of the spork.
Long pig pie-- Homemade preferably, but I'll accept store bought.
Boomstick-- No, not just any double-barrelled shotgun will do. I want an unlimited ammo capacity as well. Ok, well, if I have to reload it once during a climatic shootout with a deadite, that's understandable.
Bruce Campbell-- 'Nuff said.

Last Words

2008-03-17T23:47:00.002-04:00

Not sure what you'll say when the world ends...try these lines on for size:

"Uh-oh"
"I really didn't that was going to work."
"Zombies are real?"
"I wonder what would happen if I mixed formula A with Chemical B?"
"That spot in the sky is getting bigger…that cannot be good."
"Uh…kids, I don't think there's going to be any school today."
"Well…at least I'll finally get some peace and quiet."
"And just when I was getting up my nerve to ask the boss for a raise THIS has to happen."
"Damn, now we'll have to reboot the entire system."
"Hey! That wasn't supposed to happen."
"I figured it out! The secret to life, the universe, and everything is…..."
"Well…at least you can't blame me for this one."

Life is...Good

2007-02-25T02:51:00.000-05:00

Rather odd for me to be admitting this, but yeah, life is sweet at this particular point in time.

Bruce Campbell is the official spokesperson for Old Spice, ergo, I now have a reason to watch commercials. Huh? You haven't seen it yet? Just go to You Tube and you can take a look as to why he's still Groovy (bonus: the chainsaw shows up in front of the fireplace).
It's official, Bruce Campbell will be in Spiderman 3, his official capacity (or so I've read some net rumors) is that it has something to do with Mysterio (the supervillain with a jar on his head) in a manner that "you're not used to seeing Mysterio" whatever that means. I'm guessing it has to do with "sans jar" or some such.
I just saw Hannibal Rising and so what if it didn't follow the book and so what if the book was way better and so what if this kid is a poor substitute for Anthony Hopkins (in all fairness to the actor anyone would have difficulty following in the esteemed footsteps of Sir Hopkins. This guy (sorry I can't remember/too lazy to look up his name right now) did as good as could be expected though) and so on and so forth. Who the hell really cares about all that when the combination of what should get the award for "Most creative use for mayonnaisse" is combined with the ultra-ultimate-best face munch ever on the big screen? Overall, I may not label this the "best" of the series (that honor goes to "Red Dragon" IMO), but it's one hell of a way to say goodbye. B+

Perhaps

2007-02-21T23:49:00.000-05:00

Inspired after watching "Bridge to Teribithia" and listening to my husband explain how "Everyone has to die when it's their time" or some other such nonsense:

Perhaps the only reason I exist is to teach you that you aren't perfect. Perhaps the only reason I still live is because you want me to die. And maybe, just maybe, the lesson you need to learn has to do with dealing with difficult people. And I'll give you that, I'm a pain in the ass. I take no quarter because I'll settle for nothing less than tolerance.

Tolerance of others.

What a concept.

So, maybe, just maybe, I'll die when you stop wanting me to.

Another Reason Why I Hate Norms

2007-02-01T23:22:00.000-05:00

I'm about midway through reading Hannibal Rising, and I saw a commercial for the movie. Well, hell, I've always liked the Doc and the book makes me like him even more. But frankly Lady Murasaki (referred to as "the woman in his life" in the trailers) ticks me off.

A little background if I may indulge myself (feel free to skip if you wish to either read the book in full or see the movie before stumbling across any spoilers. And trust me, this post is gonna be loaded with 'em). In short, at the age of ten Hannibal (or Hanny as I call him in our correspondences) had his parents killed in front of him during WWII in Russia. Over that winter Hanny ate, against both his will (and more than likely his ability to comprehend to even the most brilliant 10yo, which he certainly was) he and his captors consumed not just his parents, but almost the entire household staff, an Albanian boy who was hiding out in the barn (talk about your ultimate loser in a game of hide and seek), and Hanny's 3yo sister, Mischa. The future Doc survived only out of sheer luck. Ie, the war in Russia was over.

In other words, it's completely understandable why Hanny doesn't say a damn thing for the next three years. Before I tell you what he said and to whom, that three year gap needs to be filled in.

After the war, the original Lecter homestead was turned into an orphanage. And well, since Hanny is an orphan he stays there for a while. Luckily for a particularly abusive teacher who thinks it would be a good idea to beat the crap out of a mute just to see if he could scream Hanny's Uncle (Count Lecter) shows up to whisk the future Doc off to Paris to live with him and his Japanese wife Lady Murasaki.

Count Lecter and Lady Murasaki are "the good guys" who truly provide a safe haven for the young Hanny. He is both taught and accepted. In this environment, were it to last and the outside world, were it not to interfere with its bitterness and vial hatred for "that which is different" Hannibal would have remained happily mute, screaming out only in his nightmares, while he spent his days painting pictures of beetles on flowers.

But, the world, recently recovered from WWII ain't so nice, especially to its former enemies, classified in one lump as "Japannoisse" (from what I can tell it's a French vulgar for "Nip"). One butcher in particular whose name escapes me at the moment even had the audacity to ask Lady Murasaki if a certain body part was slanted sideways.

Hannibal spoke the first word he said in the three years since he was rescued: "Beast" and went upon the butcher so viciously it took two full grown men to pull him off. A slap on the wrist by Inspector Popil (in the commercials, he's the one giving Hannibal his first, of what would be many, "lie detector" tests) and Hanny was free to go.

But I knew, as I'm sure you do, that even then, the butcher was doomed to be the first of many victims.

Did he deserve it? Ah hell, I dunno, nor do I care. It's fiction after all. But that's not the point of this post either. The important part is this, not only did Lady Murasaki know what happened but she was damned pleased about the whole thing. Ie: "You did this for me?" were her exact words. The impression I got from reading the book was her tone was along the lines of a guy buying a dozen roses for his gal. Or heck, even a house for his bride to be.

In short, Lady Murasaki was neither pissed, nor outraged, nor stunned, nor any of those things even I could picture myself being. In fact, the more she finds out about the particular details of the crime, the more pleased she becomes. And yeah, Hannibal started his elaborate, torture ritual murders at the age of thirteen. Gotta admire those early bloomers.

And here's the point where I just wanna bitch slap Lady Murasaki. Granted, I haven't finished reading the book, but her reaction to Hannibal when what he's doing later as he recalls names and faces of everyone that forced him to eat his family and takes out his vengence on them.

She freaks and tells him to stop.

What the?

Ok, so, let me get this straight. It was not only ok, but admirable if he killed for you for what could be considered an eye-for-an-eye (since the butcher is presumed to have caused, if not directly, then indirectly, the death of Count Lecter (he died of a heart attack somewhere along the way of intending to order the butcher to apologize to Lady Murasaki. Whether the Count died on the way there, during a tussle, or on the way back is unclear) and for what could best be called "the ultimate in bad manners." She's fine with that.

But for Hannibal to go after someone for his own honor, she freaks out and spazzes?

Ugh! Talk about nerve.

Sporks vs. Straws

2007-01-11T00:26:00.000-05:00

Taco Bell, as of this writing, has little sayings on their "hot" sauces (aka ketchup for for their imitation Mexican food). These sayings are few, but what really irks me is that they have these two quotes backwards: "I collect straws" and "At night, the sporks scare me." AHEM! What kind of freakish norm thing is that from one of the last legitimate sources of sporks?

Straws are scary, what with their assisted ability to suck liquid out of any damn thing (case in point, McDonald's and Sonic straws are really scary, because of that shake sucking ability which is major distortion time).

Sporks, on the other hand are versatile weap...I mean...utensils that only have a bad rap because of the flimsy ones that were once used (and may still be) for school cafeteria lunches. Don't blame the messenger people! It's not like it's the spork's fault that the only thing that was worse than the way the food looked was the way it tasted.

Advice for Loan Sharks

2007-01-05T02:34:00.000-05:00

Loan sharking can be quite profitable and it can work wonderfully either as a primary source of income or as a sideline to other "lucrative" endeavors. However, not just anyone can be in this business as it takes a certain level of knowhow to truly succeed. Follow these tips and you'll be sure to find yourself in the money in no time flat.

When determining interest rates for your loans, find a balance between what the banks are currently charging and what only those who don't need the money in the first place will pay. If you go for the first, you'll be seen as a sucker by your fellow loan sharks and if you go with the latter you'll find yourself out of business before you start.
Let your customers know up front the fees you will be charging, at least initially is a wise choice. Having them find out the penalty for paying late, however, is something that is best they find out on their own.
It is not your job to feel sorry for someone if they have lost their job, their mother died, etc. It is your job to get the money by any means possible. Loan sharking is not a business for those who are capable of feeling empathy.
On breaking knee caps: break only one. Pain is real, recently experienced pain is very real, death is abstract. Give them something to dread (ie, the other kneecap being broken) before they think twice about paying late again. If they still haven't paid within the specified time, just kill 'em. Why waste your time with a deadbeat?
Don't expect your muscle to be brilliant, or, for that matter, much smarter than their own shoelaces. Brains and brawn are an odd combination indeed. If, however, you do find someone able to make intelligent executive decisions, reward them handsomely. I suggest a health plan with full dental.
On that note, don't tell anyone "I didn't hire you to think." Even idiots can be inspired by an idea that can make or break a business and it's better that you hear about it than someone else.
Don't hire anyone that talks too much. Chances are they'll tell the wrong people what you're up to. Note, this is good advice for any business of this sort come to think of it.
Find out who can be bribed and then just blackmail the rest.

Techno Heaven

2006-08-20T04:43:00.000-04:00

I feel I fall somewhere between a techno-phile and a techno-freak. What can I say? If it's new and it has lots of shiny buttons, I want it. Heck, I don't even care if it's new, as long as it's newer than what I had before.

Which is why I'm going absolutely batty over my new monitor. Flat screen, LCD, high definition--2000:1--hell, I don't even know what that means. All I know is that I can play with the entire range of sizes, that there are things on Blogger that I didn't even know existed before. Take for example that blue bar that's the background on my title? There are bubbles. I had no idea.

Well, maybe that's not my monitor, but the new graphics card. Who the heck cares? Everything looks cooler.

Don't ask me what I need all this stuff for. I don't, not really. Well, that game I've been wanting to play perhaps, but that's going to be distracting as an all get out as soon as we can get the thing to work. (Total number of times this game has tried to install into this computer: 5. Number of times my husband has thrown the game across the room: 2. Number of times that I've said, "Yeah, that'll make the game do what you want it to.": 2)

My computer is not the only thing that has been blessed with a technological upgrade, I just got a new CD player. CD player? You may ask, Ipods are the thing! Well, like I said, it's new for me! And, at the end of the day, that's all that really matters. That and the fact the CD player came with digital headphones.

Lawdy, there's words in music I had never heard before. Specifically, spoken words. And the clarity...I could go on and on, but I don't think I will. Especially since I want to take more time to look at the Blogger bubbles.

Stupid Characters and What to Do About Them

2006-08-17T03:53:00.000-04:00

Well-developed characters like to wander all over the place. They'll tell you about your Aunt Edna, that experience with the pudding and a ladder, they'll even tell you about that time when they lost their tooth in the first grade and the Tooth Fairy forgot to show up and how it traumatized them for life.

Experience writers know how to give the characters just enough rope so they can tell an interesting story, but not so much that they end up hanging themselves. Or, at least that's the theory. Because sometimes a character will come across a situation he or she simply can't handle. It's one thing if you've got someone who shouldn't be able to adapt to the situation and it's early enough in the book where this character would need some help. It's another thing altogether if the character is supposed to have some sort of training and sits there like a bump on a log doing nothing.

When this happens, I'll have an interview with the character right then and there. Chances are he or she isn't as competent as I thought or fear has knocked all sense out of his or her head. Either way, I find out what the hell is going on and try to figure out a solution to the problem. If it's early enough in the story, I'll drop in someone who can help. If it's later on? That idiot is going to die and there's nothing I can do to stop it from happening.

Not that I really want it to.

Why Multi-Tasking is Not a Good Idea

2006-08-16T03:35:00.000-04:00

Plotting out your next novel while waiting for the doctor, despite what some folks might think, is not multi-tasking. That's just a way to avoid having to read crappy magazines.

On the other hand, running your own counterfeit ring while being an otherwise elusive and hard to catch serial killer, is. It's also a bad idea as James Mitchell (“Mike”) DeBardeleben II found out.

So, boys and girls, the lesson for the day is "If you're going to be a serial killer, for heaven's sake, do not make funny money."

What the Hell Has Happened to Me?

2006-08-15T02:50:00.000-04:00

In my early days of posting in public message boards (way before avatars were commonplace) I used to be bold. I'd ask anything that was on my mind. I'd tell someone to stick it in places and ways that I'd only dream about doing in real life. Funny thing is, I'd make both cyber friends and enemies quicker than would be possible in real life.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I'd never go so far as to break or even bend posted rules of the boards (not that the concept really existed way back when...or, more specifically on the boards that I was at). I'd respect those in charge but not to the point of kowtowing.

Today though, there was a series of questions I wanted to ask someone, privately, but I didn't, nor do I plan to. What in the world is going on? Ok, the questions are controversial and about a controversial POV. I pretty much know how this person feels about this specific topic, I just wanted, well, details.

So why not just ask them, point blank?

Funny thing is, I don't know this person. Sure, I've seen a few posts and she's liked a few of mine as well (this is on a board with "rep points" and comments re: said points). She seems to be witty, open-minded and intelligent but other than that I'm not sure about her.

Perhaps I've matured in my attitude towards others in cyberspace. I approach others and speak with them as I would in real life. I'll ask what questions are important to me and my world when someone is out there that may be able to answer these questions, but, if for some reason it's not immediately important that I get the question answered, I can be patient. I give time for a friendship to develop before I'll ask these same nosy questions I would have asked before.

Is that cowardice or maturity? I haven't decided yet, but until then, I'll keep the questions to myself. Well, unless it becomes information I need for a character, then I'll ask anyway.

Corpse Disposal: Part 2

2006-08-14T05:13:00.000-04:00

In my last post I covered the most basic supplies that you will need in case of an impulse murder. This post presumes, however, that you now have the time to eliminate or otherwise dispose of a corpse.

Dumpster: For this method you'll just need a dumpster. For best results choose one far and away from the original murder scene. On a scale of 1-10 of recommended methods of disposal however, this one ranks a -1,000. There are just so many ways the body can be found even long after it has been brought to the dump.
Wood Chipper: Great if you live out in the country, not so good if you live in an apartment in the city as neighbors' will complain about the noise, plus it's a pain to haul up the stairs.
Acid: Be sure to use a heavy duty acid such as hydrochloric so that the body will dissolve quickly. If you don't want to destroy the flooring of your home, you may also wish to have a vat. However, if you are an apartment dweller and find the downstairs neighbors annoying, skip the vat and leave town for a long long while as the acid will destroy both your floor and your alibi.
Hope Chest: Unless your victim is petite, prepare to use an axe or chainsaw to chop him or her up. Since this is a rather messy procedure, you may also wish to cover up. I recommend a used butcher's apron since it already has bloodstains on it and any more will go unnoticed. Laying down plastic is also a good idea, especially since you can use that to wrap up the entire mess and just dump into the chest. One final note on hope chests, since you will more than likely have to get rid of that as well (vis a vis burial or submerging) make sure that the grandma that gave it to you is already dead (bonus irony points if the gift-giver is the one hidden in the chest).
Shallow Grave: Don't do this. Ever. Animals like to dig stuff up, especially stuff that smells like food and the cops will find the corpse before you can brag about it at the local bar. If you must dig up a hole in order to dispose of your corpse, take your danged time and tell any curious passers by that you found a treasure map and you just know the dubloons are down there somewhere.
Consumption: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it I always say. And with the price of meat just going through the roof, placing long pig stew on the menu just may do wonders for your budget. Unfortunately, this means you still have to get rid of the bones and since Rover likes to bury them in the backyard and will more than likely dig up a tell-tale skull at the most inconvenient time, grinding the bones to a fine powder and then just dumping them in the garbage may be the best solution. I recommend doing this with an old fashioned mortar and pestle since bones are hell on a food processor.
Incineration: Do your research before you try this method. Your household oven is not a good place to try and get rid of a body, nor is an industrial convection oven recommended. Slip it in with other corpses to be cremated during an extra busy period (winter holidays are the best for this) and no one will know that your vic's ashes just got mixed in with the dearly departed Aunt Edna.
Drowning: It can not be said enough: make sure the body will remain permanently submerged. Weigh it down with chains, cement boots, whatever it takes to assure a gaseous, water filled body will not float to the surface. Shallow lakes and rivers are also bad choices. Choose the deepest part of the ocean you can possibly get to and dump it over the side. Cruises are especially great times for this kind of disposal.
Toilets: This is only here because this has been tried and tried again without success. Don't do it unless you're a professional plumber who can tear apart those pipes and fix that clog on your own, Draino just doesn't cut it.

Corpse Disposal: Part 1

2006-08-13T02:03:00.000-04:00

While it is best to plan how you will be disposing of a corpse well ahead of time sometimes you just lose your cool and the next thing you know you've got a body that you need to take care of. There are several things you need to take into account before deciding how to eliminate the potential evidence:

Your weight compared to the corpse's weight. If you're a big and burly fellow and the vic is petite, tossing him or her over your shoulder shouldn't be a problem. A bit messy, sure, but at least you'll only have to make one trip and dragging him or her across the lawn (or down to the basement) will be unnecessary since you can just lift and toss. If the reverse is the case, then perhaps chopping or otherwise segmenting the corpse will be needed before you can even move it.
Time. If you've planned ahead, you can take all the time you have in order to get in a good corpse disposal. If, however, you've lost your cool and the party guests are in the next room just toss the unfortunate vic into a nearby trunk or armoire, do a quick mop up and hope for the best until you can do the job properly. Alternatively, hide the vic in plain sight. Assuming that alcohol has been consumed by said vic, then propping them up in a drunken pose will serve its purpose until later. Granted, this risks that you could get discovered, but being that most people at a party are highly unobservant, the chances of them even noticing ol' Jim is missing is very slim and won't happen until you've found the time.
Method of homicide. For most methods of disposal, this isn't even an issue but if you have poisoned your victim, consuming the flesh is not recommended. Unless, of course, you wish to find yourself posthumously awarded with a Darwin.
State of the victim before death. Again, usually not an issue, but consuming the flesh or exposing yourself unnecessarily to the blood products of someone that is HIV positive is not only unrecommended, but just plain dumb.
Cleaning supplies. Yes, corpses are messy and it's your job to clean up (trust me, you don't want anyone else to). At minimum you should have: bleach, polyurethene gloves (or latex if you're not allergic), large garbage bags as well as either a mop or sponge. Since most households have these items (or, in a pinch, you can use gallon size freezer bags as gloves, but it's not a good idea if you don't have to) even an impulse killing can result in a quick clean-up.

My next entry will cover actual methods of disposal.

Keep Your Opinions to Yourself

2006-08-07T02:28:00.000-04:00

There are two folks in this world that don't give a snot about what you think: pregnant women and writers.

Pregnant women are constantly given unasked for advice from strangers. This is unwanted, unwelcome and basically in the category of "Just because I'm carrying a child doesn't mean that child is any of your damn business." Most of this "advice" is useless and some is even harmful.

For example, when I was pregnant one woman told me that breastfeeding would starve a baby so I would be better off giving it formula. Well, crap, someone better tell my 7yo that he died of starvation as an infant. I'd bet he'd be surprised to hear that. Though, with the way he likes to play "zombie" and/or "vampire" at any given time, I'd be hard pressed to say that he'd be disappointed with the news.

Another time, a doctor (not my OB-GYN) told me that all herbal remedies did more harm then good. Oh really? So that cup of chamomile tea I had every night that helped me sleep was actually harmful to my kid? Crap, I need to bring in my 9yo for chamomile poisoning! Call the medics!

The thing is, about pregnancy, it ends after nine months and then everyone tries to tell you how to raise your kids. This advice I either absorb or toss, but it doesn't aggravate me as much because most of the time it comes with reminisces and regrets so it's not as bad.

Still, unasked for parenting advice generally ends after eighteen years, so that, at least, ends at some point.

Advice for writers, however, never ends as long as, in some form or another, you declare yourself a writer. What amazes me though, is how they come across this advice.

"Self-publishing is the way to go!" Declared one advice-giver of forgiveable age (he was in his early 20s, and I, too was clueless at that age). When asked how come he thought that he regaled a story about how his grandmother had self-published a cookbook for the local community and raised a good amount of money for the PTA. Apparently, his idea of "self publishing" had something to do with a photocopier.

"You should write (insert whatever genre the particular speaker enjoys). You'd be so good at it." Yeah, but I damn sure don't want to spend a year on something just because I'm good at it. I would much rather write something I enjoy writing.

Which brings us to the next piece of "advice."

"You should write (insert whatever genre is "hot" at any given moment)." Uh, yeah, like by the time I could write that (assuming it's interesting in the first place), it would still be a trendy topic, and then there's the time it would take me to find an agent and the agent to find a publisher and then the lead time for publication, etc. etc. etc. In other words, I don't write what's "hot" because it more than likely won't be "hot" five years from now.

"I know...you could write my life story. It would sell millions!" Ok, and what's so fascinating about you that a million people would want to read about it? Hey, wait, I've got an idea...why don't you write it since you think it would sell a million copies and then you can turn around and say "I told you so." Meanwhile, I'll just write stuff that scares the snot out of people and go from there.

"You really shouldn't write such gruesome scenes in your stories." Ok, technically, this was "asked for" advice in that it was a critique given to me during a writing group, but still. Hellooooooooo...it's a horror story, we're known for stuff like that. To make matters worse, when I asked "Did you feel it (the particular scene she was referring to) moved the story forward?" she (the critiquer) said, "I don't know, once I got to that scene I couldn't read any further. Ugh.

Musing

2006-08-04T05:49:00.000-04:00

Me: Who the hell are you?

Some 3" tall dude in polyester: Your new muse, call me Frank.

Me: What the hell kind of name is Frank for a muse?

Frank: Look, I didn't choose it. Now, do you want a muse or not?

Me: I already have one.

Frank: Been so long since the two of you worked together eh?

Me: Yeah. It happens though...get caught up in research, squashes creativity, that sort of thing.

Frank: Research squashed your creativity? That's one hell of a lazy muse who lets that happen. Guess it's a good thing she died then eh?

Me: She died? She couldn't have she's immortal.

Frank: Been going to the beach a lot?

Me: The lake, but what does that have to do with it?

Frank: Vampires, sunshine, nasty pile of ashes, that sort of thing.

Me: Ok, so now what...Frank?

Frank: Let's start with the basics. How often do you want to write?

Me: Everyday would be good. I'm hoping for 2,000 words or so, but I'd be happy with about 500 at this point. I really can't write that often because of the kids. I think better when it's quiet, so either late at night or early in the morning would be good.

Frank: Ok, good, good, don't interrupt you too much when you're dealing with the children but get in about 2,000 words. I'd like to try for a goal of 5,000 eventually, but this is a good start considering your time constraints.

Let's see, what about your genre? (checks his notes) Ah yes, I see, horror and I notice you prefer to write ones with a psychological bent to them but you're not adverse to blood and gore or bodies piling up. Is there anything in horror you absolutely won't write?

Me: Sex scenes, whether they're titillating or violent. Not because I'm averse to them, just that I suck at writing them.

Frank: Well, let's see if we can work on that. No taboos is good though, gives me a lot more leeway. How much research would you like to do for each story.

Me: None if I can help it (laughs), but if a story requires it I'd rather spend more time writing it than researching it. I have a tendency to get lost in the research and use it as an avoidance tactic.

Frank: Ok, would you prefer to write short stories or novels?

Me: Well, novels are where the money is at, so I'd like to have at least one of them going at any given time. Short stories however, are better for contest entries and writer's groups of one sort or another. Getting my name out there as it were.

Frank: One novel, at least, and a short story. Do you have any limits as to the maximum projects you'd like to be working on at any given time?

Me: I really haven't found a limit, but I'd really like to be able to feel like I'm accomplishing something, so basically not too much, not too little.

Frank: Not very specific are you?

Me: Sorry, but how many projects I like to work on really depends on my mood. That's the best answer I can give you.

Frank: Do you use any special tools?

Me: If you call a computer and some spiral bound notebooks special, then yeah. Otherwise, no.

Frank: Can you write while driving?

Me: I don't drive, but when my husband does I can write in short spurts, nothing too intense though, mostly WIP* notes and the like.

Frank: One last question before I just hang out in the background and whisper in your ear. How do you feel about mixing horror and humor?

Me: I think it's an absolute requirement, even for straight horror. I also like tales that mix the two so much that it's difficult telling where one ends and the other begins. Granted, it's crappy for novels, but it's fine for shorts.

Postscript: After this conversation, Frank woke me up at 3:00 in the morning with an amazing story. I wrote close to 15K on it before I came up for air. What a freakin' rush, but apparently he didn't listen to the "it's crappy for novels" part since it's most definitely a humor-horror piece. Oy! Muses! Can't live with 'em, can't write without 'em!

*For those of you who don't know, a WIP is a "Work in Progress"

Issues

2006-08-02T01:26:00.000-04:00

My 9yo is scared spitless of coyotes. This is a rather recent development and he has even convinced himself that there is one that sleeps on his bed when he's not there.

Considering that this is a child raised in what could comparitively be called the city and we now live out in the country, his fear of coyotes is not completely without foundation. Y'see, each night, after the moon rises and when it gets really dark the coyotes start to howl. Thing is where we live you can hear anything for miles and we most certainly hear the coyotes.

In fact, I enjoy going out on the porch just to listen to their baying. I find it peaceful, better than eerie silence and most certainly an improvement on incessant chatter. When I listen closely, I can even tell which coyote is answering which one. Or maybe not, but I like to think I can.

Either way, I've come across a bunch of parenting articles that would say that my 9yo has "issues" with coyotes. To me, this just sounds like an excuse to say "It's okay to be fearful." I disagree. Which is not to say that feeling fear is bad, only that catering to it is wrong. In fact, if I did that with my 9yo, it would be all I'd be doing, so I tried a different approach.

For a few nights I took him outside with me to let him listen to the coyotes howl. The first night I could tell it took everything in his power to keep from running inside. He clung to me and shook like a leaf whenever he heard one of the howls and I even told him we could go inside whenever he wanted to but he shook his head and just clung tighter.

Each night, he clung less and listened more. Until, finally, this night he was guessing the question and answer pattern right along with me. He even made up little conversations as to what they may have been saying:

"It's hot toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!"
"I knooooooooooooooow!"
"I wish the wind would bloooooooooooooooow!"
"Me tooooooooooo!"

Back and forth like that until I knew he was ready for bed.

This is not to say that he wouldn't be afraid of a coyote if he saw one face to face, but he should be. Being able to enjoy the howling of a group of coyotes that are nowhere to be found? Well, that's just enjoying nature at its finest.

Bore Me With Talent

2006-07-31T05:24:00.000-04:00

For anonymity's sake, I'll call him "Dave." Not because he was a bad guy, he wasn't (despite what my mother may think) but because what I'm about to say about him will be, shall we say, rather one-dimensional. It's a hyper-focused profile of a guy that I truly did not get to know very well and, I doubt, anyone ever did.

Dave and I dated for, I'd say less than a month. Our dating (if you could call it that) started as a series of what I believed to be at the time "kismet", but when I look back on it, was only a set of coincidences that meant nothing when taken either together or apart. Y'see, even though he and I were three years apart in age, we both shared three classes. We also had in common an insatiable love of the English language, never missed a Twilight Zone marathon and our favorite food in the world was Chipwiches.

Coincidences all, and certainly nothing to sustain a relationship over. Especially when it was doomed to end before it even began.

Problem is, Dave was talented. Or rather, Dave was talented and he knew it and lawdy did he like to tell the world, or at least me, just how talented he was. Sure I was impressed that he had completed an entire novel by the time he was fourteen, but did he have to brag about it? Constantly? And the fact that he was the youngest member to perform at a prestigious piano recital? Or what about the time he won this award or that?

Hs wall, his shelves, his entire room was plastered with plaques, trophies, ribbons what have you from everything and anything he had ever won. Good on him I say and I commend him for working so hard for each and every one of them. Problem was, that's all he'd ever done. He spent so much time winning awards and finishing a novel that he hadn't gone out and lived life.

Which is why I found him completely and utterly dull. Pity really, when you consider all that he had accomplished by the time he was fourteen.

The Cavalry is Coming...or Not

2006-07-28T12:31:00.000-04:00

Deus ex Machina is a literary device best to be avoided. The term comes from the days of Ancient Rome and Greece when God was literally a machine that appeared to come from the sky to save the day. Back in the days of film serials this was represented by the calvary rescuing the hero at the last moment. For the modern writer this device is best avoided as it cheapens the experience.

Then there are times seen most often in horror films when the one person (or even a small group of folks) come to the rescue and are offed in and of themselves, immediately and without fanfare. Granted, this moves the story forward, ups the tension for the protag and does every little thing a good plot device is supposed to do but I still hate it, and this is why.

In House of 1000 Corpses, the cavalry comes in the form of a couple of bumbling police officers who, nonetheless, are able to follow a string of clues to find the specific house in the title. Good for them, but their death is immediate and considering the modus operandi of the rest of the murders it simply doesn't make any sense. The family of killers could care less whether they were officers or simple shmucks off the street, their reason for existance is to torture and inflict as much pain as possible. A quick death is not what they would do.

This could have been better handled with a quick clonk to the head and an unseen perpetrator dragging the officer off scene until that inevitable "stumble across the masses of corpse artwork" that the heroine of the tale did. I feel this would have worked because it makes the scene of disabling the officer just as quick as it needed to be and yet still kept true to the homicidal maniacs of the tale.

Then there's The Shining. It doesn't matter whether you read the book or have seen either variations of the movie, the cavalry in this case was the black dude (sorry, I can't remember his name off the top of my head) who also had that unusual and unique gift that he calls "The Shining." Sensing that the boy is in trouble, he goes to the inn on some "grand mission" or "impulse," I've never been able to figure out quite which one and bonk with a hammer and he's dead as soon as he enters the hotel.

The instant death isn't the problem as I see it. The trouble is that while it increases the tension for the reader it does nothing to increase the tension for the characters. What if the black dude in question wasn't immediately killed, but was, in fact, dying and the little boy, in turn, knew his friend was in trouble and just beyond this corner or that corner?

Good kids are noble creatures who will think nothing of personal harm if they know a friend is in trouble. And despite all the weird crap this kid has gone through, he's still that kind of kid. Imagine how much better the movie would have been if the kid wasn't just trying to escape from Daddy but help his friend as well?

Then we have the current television fare of The Dead Zone (not to be confused with the movie). In one episode, Johnny has grounded his kid for a round of garage cleaning when there is a knock on the door. Poor Johnny can't just answer the door, he knows the teenager behind it is in a lot of trouble. Fast forward a bit, the teenager, Johnny and Johnny's kid are holed up in a basement trying to protect themselves from the bad guy. Well, Johnny's kid's stepdad is a police officer (well established from prior episodes, so we're not really surprised) who gets a call from the US Marshall. It turns out that the troubled teen is a key witness to a mafia hit and the bad guys aren't your run of the mill type.

Anyway, following a trail of bloody footprints and the like, this cop finds these bad guys over at Johnny's house and finds himself at the mercy of the bad guys vis a vis duct tape.

This works well because not only is the viewer's tension cranked up, but the character's as well since there's a PA system which connects to the basement. Y'see, Johnny's kid has been raised by his stepdad because of that whole coma thing. So we're talking about a relationship between stepkid and stepdad that goes beyond the ordinary parameters of this type of relationship.

In other words, Johnny's kid is seriously considering giving this teenager up for his stepdad's safety. Johnny, however, realizes there's only one of two ways that this thing is going to end: either they're going to win and get the heck out of this house or everyone is going to die. This isn't magic vision, this is the reality of the situation.

In the end, it's Johnny who saves the day via an underground tunnel which Johnny found via "visions from the past." And that's the way it should be.

In conclusion, go ahead, let your cavalry come and try to save the day, but put them in a peril which increases the tension not just for the reader but for the characters as well.

Charles Lee Ray

2006-07-27T07:07:00.000-04:00

For as small as he was, Chucky was evil as an all get out.

I like that in a guy.

Granted he was the imitation-vodoun-posessed by a serial killer variation of the standard "talking doll" mythology...but still. The problem with the films though is that the only "person" that Chucky could find that was as smart as him was another doll. I mean really, if he scared 'em that much why didn't the folks at least insist on a refund?

Bunch of nitwits if you ask me. I would have made a deal with Chucky, something along the lines of "Consider me your transportation. I'm just gonna take you to a place so you can kill a LOT of people. Here? There's only 4 folks and after us, what'll you have? Days, heck, even weeks before you can get anyplace else." Once he was appeased and his little doll eyes sparkled, I'd give him a list of personal enemies.

Hell, as long as I had a homicidal doll, I'd take advantage of the situation.

Once my enemies were dead? I'd zap his ass in the microwave. Can't have a talking doll that knows all my secrets hanging around now can I?

At Any Moment

2006-07-25T02:07:00.000-04:00

At any given moment in time, a multitude of things are possible. These are the things that have been running through my head lately about what could happen in these moments. Sometimes without even realizing it:

You could be stalked by a serial killer.

Someone could be plotting revenge against you.

The food you're eating could be poisoned.

You could have a terminal illness and not realize it.

You could make a decision that will alter the course of your life irreperably.

A lawyer is coming up with an idiotic warning label.

Someone is ignoring both common sense and the idiotic warning label and getting seriously injured.

Someone is well on their way to winning a lawsuit for ignoring said idiotic warning label.

Someone could be planning on robbing you.

You could be framed for a crime you didn't commit.

Shattered Glass

2006-07-23T00:32:00.000-04:00

I've seen people that have died, hours or even moments after it had happened, but until today I had never been face to face with someone who died right in front of me.

My family and I were on our way to Wal-Mart and we heard that sound that is so common to automobile accidents, that unmistakable squeal of wheels that continued into this horrendous crunch and ended with a woman flying through her windshield. The sound of glass shattering and a person flying through it was like nothing I had ever heard before, nor do I want to hear it again.

I don't remember any screaming, I don't think there was time. It's cliche, but true as "it all happened so fast."

My husband is a rare breed in that he pulled over. He's also of the dense breed in that he tried to command me to stay in the car. Emphasis on tried. Smart enough, however, to know when I'm not going to listen when there are more important things to tend to.

He headed towards the car while I went towards the woman. The chances of her surviving were slim. I knew this, even as phrases like "spatter pattern" and "point of impact" crossed my mind, and yet, there was still this internal drive to see and yet, somehow, it was more than that. A desire to know. Know what, I wasn't quite sure at the time, but I do now.

At least I think I do, looking back on it. Because, against all odds, she was alive. Barely, and even then I knew she wouldn't last until the paramedics arrived. I took off my vest and put it over the top of her head. At least, I think I did. I don't really remember. It's strange, how in times like this I just automatically did what I'd been trained to do during my years as a Red Cross Volunteer.

I do remember, however, holding her hand. This too, was automatic, but at the same time different. One person reaching out to another, instinctively. I didn't squeeze, I just held. She tried to say something, I think it was "thank you." but it could have been something else altogether.

I wish I could say she died peacefully, but I can't, because before she did, her body declared a revolt and seized up on her. Arms and legs flailing, head jerking and then a loud SNAP. Her neck broke, her eyes glazed and all was still. I knew she was gone.

I didn't hear the ambulance arrive, though I'm sure they came to the scene with sirens blaring.

I answered their questions, the paramedics' and the police officer's. Yet, I still feel guilty, helpless, as if there was something more I could have done. My head knows it wasn't my fault, but my heart still aches for the woman I never knew.

On Teachers: Part Four

2006-07-20T17:09:00.000-04:00

Then there are the last two teachers whose classes I would never skip (well, maybe twice, but that was when I was ditching an entire day instead of a class or two).

Mr. Youngerman was, in many ways, the exact opposite of Mr. Collins. Where Mr. Collins was laid back, Mr. Y (as we kids called him) was energetic. Where Mr. Collins was just a danged good teacher, Mr. Y was brilliant.

Mr. Youngerman could turn a story-world inside out and upside down. He could take the bizarre and make it seem plausible. He taught me how to make a series of flashbacks just melt into the storyline and when to toss them out the door. He didn't just tell about stories, he showed them through actions in his class. Change of scene? Turn off the lights for apparently no reason to demonstrate how one simple thing can change the entire mood of a story. He threw chalkboard erasers up against the wall to demonstrate action and dragged a chair across the room to demonstrate sensory involvement. He'd get in your face and shout to explain POV and tone.

There was nothing to bizarre, to out there or too unreal for Mr. Youngerman. He reminded me of why I started writing in the first place, because it was fun. And, oh yeah, he was tough too. He, like Mr. Collins, wouldn't put up with my second best and just when I thought it was my best, he'd show me how to make it even better.

Mr. Smith taught math, specifically geometry. He had a way of explaining this, my last year of math, as if it were vital and real through, of all things, basketball. Which is odd, considering my love-hate thing with basketball.

Playing one on one games like horse or around the world was fine as long as it was just me and a friend or few, but as a PE class? Basketball was a nightmare filled with rules and (eek!) more of the type of physical activity than this body was made for.

Mr. Smith though, brought these two together with a seeming effortlessness that whenever I think of parallel lines I still see two Nerf basketballs flying across the room, and if I ever need to calculate an angle? I won't be able to do so without thinking of the hypoteneuse of the backboard.

For some odd reason, I can still remember the terms "postulate," "hypothesis" and "theorem" even though, almost 20 years later I really can't remember having used them.

So here's to every teacher who went above and beyond. I thank you, for each and every one of you made at least those classes, enjoyable for the times that I had with you.

Interlude: Detention and Suspension

2006-07-19T07:22:00.000-04:00

And so, my journey into the final years of high school remained. The majority of educators during this time were, in my opinion, easily duped. Perhaps they were tired of teaching or they just didn't care. I ditched class with a frequency that makes me surprised I graduated at all. Frankly, I was bored to tears of the whole scene and just wanted to get out of that place even though I had very little idea of what I would do afterwards.

In school suspension should have been a constant in that final year, a concept that baffled me since I was in a classroom doing absolutely nothing and for what purpose? Disrupting class? No. Insulting the teachers or other authority figures? Hardly, I may not have respected them any more than the average teen, but nor did I respect them less. The reason I was originally placed into this mini prison called ISS was because of (get this) tardiness. Yeah, I'd frequently be late to class. Tell me the logic behind that.

In order to get the first ISS, a student would have to be late five times. On average, I was about five minutes late. Which means, theoretically, I missed a total of twenty-five minutes of mediocre education before I received my first ISS.

During ISS, I was placed in a room with a handful of other students. We were not allowed to do anything. No talking, no reading, no writing and definitely no sleeping. All day, and this was it. The theory was that once we were sentenced to this extreme state of isolation we'd shape up because we'd feel sorry for ourselves for behaving so badly.

Yeah right.

My actual thought process was more along the lines of: "Let me get this straight, if I'm late to class five times, I get ISS, but I have to completely ditch a class three times in order to get ISS. Let's see, mathwise that means I get to skip a total of 45min per class x 3 classes-25 min MORE before I'd get in trouble again."

It only took a month before I was in ISS again. This time for flat out skipping classes that I knew I was going to be late to.

More time to think still didn't turn out the way the school board had hoped.

"Y'know, if I could figure out a way to get out of ditching classes all together, I wouldn't have to be in here again. 2+2=4 and my handwriting is very similar to my mother's."

Needless to say, even though I ditched a lot of classes during the remainder of my senior year I never spent another moment in ISS, and by the time my parents found out about it? I really didn't care what they had to say since I had already graduated anyway.

On Teachers: Part Three

2006-07-18T02:21:00.000-04:00

High School was hell. There isn't any other way to put it. I just wanted to get out of there, and fast. For the most part, I had middle of the road teachers. There was only one teacher from hell during those years. However, I guess the most aggravating thing had to do with the fact I went to five different schools during this period.

That, and only three teachers were ones that I could consider "above and beyond."

My first semester as a freshman was, undoubtedly, the worst. A two hour bus trip to and from the school only exacerbated the issue. It wasn't until April that things began to change for me. It was a new school, and not just new, but within walking distance from where I lived-- in fact, I could see it from my front yard.

Which probably has a lot to do with why Mr. Collins is considered at the tippy-top apex of my all time favorite teachers. From August of my sophomore year until November of my junior year, Mr. Collins was an English teacher beyond compare.

Not because he was brilliant in English, in fact, I knew things about grammar, character creation, story structure etc. that blew his skills out of the water. And I was only fifteen at the time compared to his 30-odd plus educational degrees.

Where he stood out was what he told me from the first paper I wrote...something along the lines of what I wanted to be when I grew up, and of course, I said I wanted to be a writer. Before he graded it, he asked to see some other stuff I wrote.

I agreed, and after school the next day he read a few of what I considered my "best" pieces at the time (looking back on them makes me shudder though...eek!) without saying a word as I fidgeted in the chair wondering what the hell he was thinking.

Still silent, he shuffled through the stack of ungraded papers pulled out mine and marked it with an "F" and dropped it on my desk. I was stunned, never before had I received an F on an English paper.

"But I did what you asked me to," I complained.

"And that's all you did. You can do better than that. I've seen it in what you've written here today. So, from now on, for you, it's either an F or an A. No in-betweens, it's time to see if you really have what it takes to be a writer."

It was then that I truly learned the value of rewrites and how to make the most of the editing process. Mr. Collins taught me how to look at a story objectively and rip it apart from bottom to top. He taught me the value of a critique and how to make the most of it. Not just on that day, but for several after school sessions he would help me tighten my prose until it sparkled.

Don't get me wrong, I certainly wasn't the perfect student. I cried. I screamed. I even threw a book across the room. Mr. Collins though, was patient throughout. He'd listen to me cry, scream, and pick up the book as needed and simply told me, "You can do this. You know you want to."

Eventually I did. I got it, and yeah, I got an A in that class. It was the first A (but not the last, as you'll see later) that I truly felt I earned.

If I had to repeat one year from high school, it would be my junior year. As to why, and the last two influential teachers on my list, I'll talk about that in my next entry.

On Teachers: Part Two

2006-07-16T05:44:00.000-04:00

Since my junior high was in the same school I had gone to since 4th grade, I continued with accelerated math in both 7th and 8th grade. The teacher of this course (if he could truly be called that since it was primarily focused on indepent study), Mr. Robinson was truly brilliant in both educational techniques and in math itself. He's the one who brought arithmetic out of the realm of abstract numbers and into practical application. He did this by getting to know me well enough that he knew where my interests lay and used this to help me understand certain concepts that may have otherwise made me go "huh?" Not only that, he made these abstract numbers stick in a way that no one else has been able to.

Of course English teachers will always have a special place in my heart, but Mrs. Sanders was much more than that as she taught me not only English but about the Renaissance, music appreciation and so much more. But, where she went really above and beyond was the day I re-started my period.

As luck would have it, I was wearing white that day (ain't that always the way?) and I did NOT want to move. Not when the bell was called. I'd probably still be sitting there if it wasn't for Mrs. Sanders. It's not what she said, it was what she did that made all the difference in the world. In fact, she didn't say anything, only handed me her sweater and a nurse's pass. She then went towards her desk as if nothing had happened and I was able to get out of there without saying a word. No big now, but at 13? Yeah, it was huge.

Then there was history class. What the heck did I care about things that happened so long ago? How did this information effect me. Well, Mr. Troll (who, ironically, did look like a troll-- short with angry looking eyebrows and a mouth, through no fault of its own, appeared to be in a perpetual frown) had a weird sense of humor. The type of humor that my grandmother taught me, subtle and if you weren't paying attention it would slip right past you.

The first class, for example, had Mr. Troll "quoting" things from history. Stuff each of us should have known by heart. Every once in a while he'd mess up the quote deliberately by saying something like "In 14 hundred and 92, Columbus walked the ocean blue." When I first heard them, I wasn't sure what he was doing, but it did get my attention. So I listened for more, and sure enough they came, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your pie." By the time he said the fifth one (which I can't remember precisely), I stopped trying to hide my laughter and he marched over to my desk as if I was in trouble. Lawdy, I thought I was doomed for the principal's office for the semester if this was the case.

Instead, this is what occurred: "Can you tell the class what you find so funny?"

"Columbus didn't walk the "ocean blue", he sailed it." Mr. Troll looked pleased, so I continued and I named off all of the "mis-quotes" that I could recall.

"Precisely." said Mr. Troll and continued with how important it was to pay attention to the details of the past so we could learn from it and move forward.

He continued to use this subtle brand of humor, not only in his lectures, but in the tests as well. The past became a valid thing worth learning about because it was no longer dry and dusty, but alive and for the first time, real.

When Mr. Bickerton took over the yearbook in my eighth grade year, just about every girl applied for it, including me. When I found out that I was not only on the staff, but in a plum position as well, I was stunned. Especially since one of the qualifications was a B+ grade average or better, and I was skating by with a C (I really hated doing homework, therefore I avoided all but the "big" assignments).

In truth, I applied for yearbook on a lark. A joke of an alternate elective. Mr. Bickerton and I had not had any classes together before this, so I had naturally assumed he didn't notice me. And yet, here I was on the yearbook staff. Yeah, I ticked off a lot of girls who had the grades and a bigger desire to be on staff, but I felt I had a right to gloat about it anyway.

And apparently, with good reason. Because, despite what I had thought, Mr. Bickerton had noticed me, and not just in my eighth grade year, but as I discovered later, he and Mr. Rhine were best friends which means he was well aware of my potential even if I wasn't.

And that plum position? Co-Editor. This meant that my primary job was to make sure all of the yearbook flowed together as a whole, to assure that the theme of the book looked as if it was created by one person. In other words, I became boss of the kids who had spent so much time teasing me from the time I was in fourth grade.

I'm not the type of person to shove this in someone's face, but it sure wasn't above my nature either to go home and laugh about the irony of the whole thing either.

Mr. Bickerton helped me find that important balance between creative ideals and realistic expectations. He taught me how to lead those who had formerly not even liked me and ultimately, how to be a better person because of it.

At the end of the year, I asked Mr. Bickerton why he chose me for this position even though I didn't meet the qualifications he had listed. He just said, "You had, and still do have, qualities that can't be listed on a piece of paper. Qualities that I wanted as part of the yearbook staff." then, with a smile he said, "Yearbook didn't have any homework attached to it. So I knew you'd do fine."

High school was a time best forgotten out of the history of my life. However, there are two teachers in those years that stand above and beyond not just teachers, but above and beyond most people I've met in my life before or since. I'll talk about them and a few other favorite teachers in my next entry.

On Teachers: Part One

2006-07-14T02:41:00.000-04:00

Anyone who has known me for a period of time is well aware of my thoughts on public education. I think it's an oxymoron and gives more credence to "experts" than "professionals." This is not to say that I haven't had teachers who weren't absolutely amazing. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I've had more than my fair share.

My elementry years until 4th grade are a pitiful blur of moving from one state to the next with very little time to get to know the teachers in-between. In 3rd grade alone, I moved three times. However, I truly wish I could remember the name of the first teacher I had that year because she was the first to encourage my writing talents.

It started simply enough, seperate stacks of cards, each pile denoting a different characterstic, animal, color or scenery. I was fascinated by these cards, entranced. It amazed me the different stories I could come up with by simply changing the color of a giraffe or by placing a dinosaur in a desert or in a suburban setting.

What made this teacher so amazing, is something I didn't recognize at the time, she created a set of these cards for me to take with me when I moved. It's a small gesture like that which can make all the difference in the world to a writer. While others who wish to write had to learn the 3x5 card technique, I was already using it instinctively.

The next teacher was Mr. Rhine in sixth grade, who, one day kept me after class and gave me a test which would be a considered nightmare for the average 12 year old but before he gave me that test he told me about a theory of his, and that was the reason I was doing so poorly in class and wasn't paying attention was because I was bored. When I found out it was a math test, I was stunned and just about had my first case of test jitters right then and there. Math was never what I'd call my "strong subject," still isn't but then he said something that calmed me, "You're not expected to pass this test. Just do the best you can."

Truthfully, I don't remember writing anything on that test except for my name. I don't even remember anything else from that day or the following until math time came again and Mr. Rhine told me that I was sitting in the wrong place and pointed to the area where the accelerated math students sat. If that wasn't enough to stun me, he then opened my math book to just about the middle, way past where the rest of the class was since it was the beginning of the year, and said, "You start here."

This wasn't the only thing Mr. Rhine did for me as far as his faith in me was concerned, but it is the most profound example of the simple faith that he showed in me throughout the year as well as the next two years since at my school, sixth grade was part of junior high (well, sort of, the sixth graders didn't change classes as often as the seventh and eighth graders, but we still did for the last two periods which were electives).

Junior high was the most highly condensed for amazing teachers, and I'll get to them in part two.

Writer's Trick: The Loop

2006-07-12T14:37:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite tricks of writing is something I like to call "the loop." The reason it's my favorite is because it has the the triple-whammy effect of:

1) Getting me out of a major writing problem, specifically one that has to do with "How the hell do I end this thing now?"

2) Ties up loose ends that I may not have noticed were there before.

3) Makes me look like a writing genius.

So, just what is the "loop thing" you may be asking. It's really quite simple. If you take your character and put him or her up a tree and can't get said character back down again, loop yourself back to the beginning. I don't simply mean rewrite the beginning as your ending, but look for clues there that may help you finish the piece.

It's amazing what we, as writers put into our rough drafts without even realizing we've done it. Take for example, are there any details in the study that could become suddenly important? That candlestick that you placed on the wall during that party scene could become an effective offensive or defensive weapon later on. Even the way a character is dressed could become important if you need it to be. Scarves can be tied, as can belts, around things other than the original place that was intended. For female or TV MC's, perfume can be sprayed in someone's eyes and a nail file can be used quite effectively for things other than a weapon, but to whittle away at an otherwise impenatrable barrier.

Did you have a creaky floorboard that annoyed a character earlier? Could there possibly be a reason it's creaky? Maybe there's something underneath the floor that could be used as a hideaway or escape route. Granted, this technique can seem like deus ex machina if not handled well, but if you go back later and pepper your story with rumors of hidden treasure or underground railroads the ending may not only shock and surprise but will have readers saying "Wow! The writer planted clues about this all over the place!"

Yeah, let them think that. It's our secret right? ;)

Query Me This

2006-07-11T02:52:00.000-04:00

I've been doing a lot of research on query letters lately, what works, what doesn't and there's so much information on the web alone on this topic that it seems like a difficult and confusing task. I've come to the conclusion that this is not necessarily so. The thing that makes it so daunting is not the query letter itself but the fact an entire writing career can hinge on whether or not you can actually write one of these things.

Which really shouldn't be that hard. Afterall, if you can write a 100,000 word novel, you should be able to write a couple hundred about the same thing. Right? Sure, if you follow these guidelines:

Do you know what the novel is about? In other words, can you summarize it in a sentence or two? If not, then perhaps you're not ready to write the query letter. Sounds harsh, but it makes sense if you think about it. In other words, if you don't know what it's about in precise terms, how are you going to tell anyone what it's about?
Can you write a good hook? If not, then perhaps you need to rethink how you started your story, forget about the query letter. Take some writing courses, participate in online editing sites such as Darklines, speak with a writing friend you trust, purchase a few books on Amazon or check them out from a library. Learn to write before you send off that query letter.
Discover what the "sizzle" of the story is. Are you able to touch on the important points of the story? Do you know what the important points of the story are? Can you elaborate on this within 2-4 paragraphs without getting either too wordy or too sparse?
What is your professional writing experience is (no one cares if you've written for your high school or college yearbook, nor do they care about what your Mom thought about your piece, or if you got an award that can't be Googled-- by this I mean if you can't find the award on the first page of a Google search, then don't list it {Stoker Award, good. Community Newsletter Award, bad. To give you some examples} ). If you don't have any worth mentioning, don't mention it.
Do you have any unique experience that may be relevant to the novel at hand? For example, if you have 10 kids and the novel is about someone struggling to raise a large family this would be considered relevant experience. On the other hand if there's a minor character who shares your job, don't mention it. Ditto if you don't have any experience related to the novel. That's okay, we're taking fiction here and you don't have to prove that you've done the research until questions start coming up after it's been looked at by an agent or editor.
How long is the novel? First novels should be between 80K-120K words. Any shorter than that and people won't want to pay full price for a book that looks too sparse (don't pad, expand if you need to) and publishers won't want to pay the extra costs involved with an extra thick book. If this is the case, either figure out if you can make two, seperate stand-alone books with what you've got or cut mercilessly until it's within range. Both options are difficult.
Is the novel completed? If you're not previously published in novel format, don't waste your time querying agents and editors, because if they want to see the completed MS, you'll be up spit creek if it's not done. If it is done, let them know, and they'll be pleased.
For snail-mail queries, print this out on 80% cotton bond paper, white (and nothing else but white) paper with a readable font (12-point Roman Times seems to be pretty much industry standard) and one-inch margins all the way around. Enclose nothing but an SASE.
For e-mail queries, I'd suggest going to individual sites if you'd prefer to do this as an attachment. Otherwise, you'd be better off pasting the whole thing into the body of the mail.
Don't forget to let them know how to contact you.

All of the above stuff is absolutely necessary for a query. However, there are some bonus touches that you can add on to make it go over the top.

Did you read a book similar to the one that you have written that was agented/published by that person or company and you went the extra steps to find out who it was? Let 'em know, they'll be glad you did the research. If all you did to find them was to look up their name on the AAR website, take a look at their website (if it's available) to find out which books they have to their credit and mention any that you have read. If you haven't read any, simply letting them know that "according to the guidelines on your site, my book seems like a good fit for what you are looking for" still lets them know you've done your homework.
Have you visualized how you want your book shelved at the stores? Don't fool yourself into thinking you'll get window displays at Barnes and Noble, but if this is just the type of read that would be great for an airline flight, say so. If, on the other hand, it's a more literary piece, perhaps libraries and colleges would be more interested in it. On the other hand, an anthology of horror tales would probably work best if displayed at or near the counters around Halloween.
What else do you have in the works (or unpubbed) that's similar to what you're proposing? No need to go into details, but if you're proposing a horror tale and you're already well into another horror tale, a brief mention that you're doing so will indicate you're in it for the long haul. If, on the other hand, it's only a sketch of an idea that may happen or not, don't mention it. Note: This idea works best for a proposed series, just make sure the first book can stand on its own.

What not to include:

A second page to your query. If your letter is longer than one page, cut, chop, slice and dice until it is.
Difficult to read or fancy fonts. Sure, Edwardian Script may give your novel just that romantic flair that echoes your writing style, but your writing needs to work on its own and fancy fonts as well as 8-point Comic Sans will also be a surefire way to the "Not for us" trashbin.
Any paper that is not white. Believe it or not, pink, gray or blue paper will not make you stand out from a crowd. It will only mark you as an amateur.
Glitter, confetti, or anything else of that nature. See above for why not.
Bribes. The only place a writer should sign a check is on the back. Remember that, and it will keep you from being scammed as well.
Any discussion of payment. This comes after you've made an agreement to work with that specific agent or editor, not in the query letter.

Satan and Superman: Thoughts on Character Development

2006-07-09T01:20:00.000-04:00

Satan, as a character for a story, is a particularly noisome creature for the author trying to work within this legend to create the penultimate in evil. You're better off making up your own bad guy since Satan, like Superman, introduces the same types of problems for the writer.

While it may seem odd that I'm comparing the epitome with evil with the epitome of good (well, except for God, but if you think about it, this character usually only shows up in comedies or at the end of movies like Omen 3 to save the day. Deus ex machina and all that rot) but the two of them have a lot more in common as far as the writer is concerned than appears at first glance.

The most important thing has to do with their weaknesses. Superman has multi-colored Kryptonite that he has to deal with and the only thing that seems to conquer Satan is a combination of ultra-faith and/or a willingness to sacrifice one's self in favor of another. Now, not many of us have the necessary breed of ultra-faith that is required to conquer the Devil any more than we've got some Kryptonite if we want to cross Supes. Humans, being humans, falter and waver in their faith and most people aren't willing to sacrifice themselves for anyone else but family and/or friends...even that's an iffy proposition. When you add in the fact that both Satan and Supes have superpowers beyond human capacity you're automatically stacking the deck in their favor.

While having a "stacked deck" may be fun to play with, for a while, it creates a lot more headaches than is necessary. Especially since it makes the battles between good and evil a lot less interesting.

There are several other ways to create ultimate good and ultimate evil without resorting to the "stacked deck" method of "dealing the cards" that can make your characters, and therefore, your story a lot more interesting.

Create a more viable weakness. The most recent example I've seen of this was on the kid's cartoon Ben10. In one episode there was a character who had powers that were the equivelant of Superman's, however, his weakness was none other than chocolate. Granted, he's from a planet that doesn't have chocolate in large supply, so when the title character, Ben, inadvertantly gave him some, this hero didn't recognize it and he was turned into this weakened husk (rather mummy-like in appearance) who was unable to fight. In this example, you're almost looking at a Superman-like comparison when you consider the rarity of chocolate on the hero's home planet. This problem, however, is taken care of since the majority of the storylines focus not only on Earth, but on Ben as well who always has the peculiar (and yet admirable) quality of carrying said substance in his pocket for when he needs a quick energy boost.
Counterpoint strengths. Brain vs. Brawn is by far the most popular one, in second place is street smarts vs. educated smarts. Give one to your villain and the other to your hero and watch the sparks fly to find out which one will win and which one will use.
Give everyone the same powers. If the bad guy has magic, give it to the good guy as well. JK Rowling emphasizes this best with Voldemort and the Death Eaters. When this evil team goes after the Muggles (non-magic users for those 2 or 3 folks still unknowledgeable about this term) it's either for play (like they did at the beginning of Goblet of Fire) or to prove a point to the Ministry of Magic (Cornelius Fudge, in fact, got fired for being unable to deal with this abomination in Half-Blood Prince ). See, even they knew that Muggles weren't their equal. And then there's Harry, Voldemort has a wand, and so does Harry. Voldemort knows how to use the wand, and so does Harry. Sure, Voldie is more knowledgeable about spellcraft than Harry and is more capable of dealing out unforgiveable curses than Harry, but Harry has "something else." Ok, right now, I'm not sure what that "something else" is outside of his "mother's love" but it better be something otherwise Book 7 will be awfully disappointing.

So, go ahead and write about Satan if you want, but pit him against Superman and watch the sparks fly.

Rethinking Enviromentalism

2006-07-08T07:46:00.000-04:00

Today's blog has to do with Gaia (Earth) as living organism. Nothing new there, just weird if you really think about it (Eeeeewwww...I'm stepping on an eyeball!) My point however has to do with the recycling movement, what if Gaia WANTS the leftover soda cans or, even as George Carlin postulated, she wants to be Earth plus styrofoam.

I mean, it's not like She's exactly the tiniest thing around. Heck, among planets, largesse is admired. Think about the awe that young children have for the gaseous planets, especially Jupiter. And if Gaia is like the rest of us, she wants to fit in. Not only that, she wants to be considered beautiful, and in her life, big is beautiful.

So, go ahead and toss away your McD's leftovers on those gorgeous mounds of garbage. Forget about recycling, feeding the Earth and Her desires is really what it's all about.

What? It makes a lot more sense than folks starving themselves in the name of beauty.

Counting My Curses

2006-07-07T01:42:00.000-04:00

Counting blessings? That's for those other folks. Y'know, those who want to go on and live happy, normal, productive lives but are unable to do so unless they actually think about what makes them happy. Kinda backwards as far as I'm concerned, if you start off your day thinking about the most horrid things that have happened to you the rest of your life will be peachy in comparison.

For my entire life I've wanted to be a writer. This is a dismal career path if there ever was one. Locked up in a room for Goddess knows how many hours, typing page after page of what may or may not be garbage and that's a good day for a writer. Bad days are when you don't have a room to lock yourself in, the kids are screaming that they're hungry (frequently no less than five minutes after you've fed them), the spouse is screaming that the dishes need done and the only damn thing you can think about is that blinking curser.
The genre that has chosen me is horror. What kind of sick fuck am I that I'd rather write about killing someone then helping them fall in love or have them chase unicorns and dragons down while wielding a wand. Hell, a face off with aliens wouldn't keep me up at night half as often as my damn characters do.
My children. Don't get me wrong, I love my minions, I mean kids, but sometimes they just don't know when to leave me alone. Specifically...when I'm writing. I swear, anytime I get near a keyboard they need something desperately as if it were a life and death matter. Most of the time it has to do with a food or PS2 related problem.
The standard layout for keyboards, and the way I was taught how to type in school is QWERTY. Dvorak is better, and I should be practicing it now, but I can't think with Dvorak...not yet anyway.

Well, that's enough curse counting for the day. I feel much better already. Don't you?

Death by the Numbers

2006-07-06T02:26:00.000-04:00

Ok, so there's "50 ways to leave your lover" but how many ways can you kill someone? Just for the heck of it, here's a list off the top of my head.

Fire-- This is especially handy since you can take care of any evidentiary problems at the same time. Be warned though, that it is quite easy to trace the source of an accelerant, so do this in an open field if you must.
Fisticuffs-- Granted, not the most efficient method, but when you win it, it sure as hell is satisfying that you were able to do it by hand.
Stabbing-- Very messy, defensive wounds are always a plus. Just keep a good grip on the handle of the knife, sword, whatever sharp implement your using and you'll have yourself a nice wet kill.
Poisoning--With a bit of research and intelligence, you can determine not just how much pain the vic will be in, but close to when they will die. Warning: may screw up the possibility of an alibi if you use a slow acting poison such as arsenic. Worse, it may stop the vic from being dead in the first place since the poison could be recognized in the system before it becomes deadly.
Shooting-- Not as easy as it seems since if you're not familiar with the weapon of choice, it could be easily nabbed from you. Modern ballistics technologies make this an even less recommended choice.
Strangling-- Whether you choose to use a beautiful scarf (a la Boston strangler) or a wire (a la garrote style) this is a method that is best done if you take your vic by surprise.
Suffocation-- While this could be considered a "bastard child" of strangulation, it also offers a variety of weapons that make it merit its own category. For example, just dope the vic up and wait 'til he or she passes out and then just roll and push down. Plastic bags are good for this as well.
Drowning-- Either choose a vic who can't swim or a spot in a lake or ocean that is quite a ways away from shore. Take 'em for a boat ride and then push 'em overboard and let the fun begin.
Electrocution-- Drop a toaster in the bathtub, or better yet, a hairdryer if it's your vic's hairdryer (you can always say that the vic liked to dry his or her hair in the tub. Just make sure there's enough hair to make this feasible) and let the sizzling commence.
Pushing-- While this alone isn't deadly, if you make sure the building the two of you happen to be on at the time is high enough, the fall should do 'em in. Just make sure there's nothing to pad their landing.
Engorgement/Starvation-- I've put these two together because they're both related to food and they both take quite a bit of time and patience. Granted, the starvation technique requires only a room you can lock them in, but if you ever saw Seven you'll know the cost of gluttony can be quite high as well.
Exploitating Allergies-- Know someone who goes into anaphalactic shock if they eat onions? Well, do what Bree of Desperate Housewives did and sprinkle them liberally on your vic's salad. Bees and wasps are common allergens, you could always take your chances with those as well.
Non-traditional-- While the methods listed above are pretty much it, the difference is the weapon of choice. Bash 'em over the head with a vacuum cleaner! Spork 'em 'til they're bloody! The possibilities are endless, the only limits are your own imagination.

As a final note, I'd like to say that ultimately the best weapon to choose is one that fits your personality, so choose wisely and happy hunting.

Critique Groups: Part Three

2006-07-05T01:09:00.000-04:00

The Universe is still breathing down my neck to join or start a critique group, and frankly, I don't wanna. Even if I did, my location that is closer to nowhere than that place called "the sticks" renders it meaningless. So, what's a gal to do?

Why, fire it right back at the Universe of course. One of the benefits of my personal belief system is that I can demand of the Universe just as much, if not more, than it demands of me. Convenient? Sure, but here are my demands none-the-less:

Offline group. In person, I'm a social outcast, online I'm a misunderstood genius. Whether this has to do with the persona I intentionally present or the way that folks perceive me through my writing or a combination of both, I'm not sure. Nor do I really care. The fact is, I'm more comfortable online than off.
A small group of writers. I'm thinking about 5 or 6 tops. Not just writers, but people who are serious about their craft. If someone dashed off a poem in sixth grade and sold it to their local newspaper, I don't care. And while it'd be nice to have one or two folks with a list of publication credits, that is not a top priority. What I'd like is a group of folks who are aware that to be a writer means to sit one's butt in the chair and write.
Fiction of course should be their specialty, and while it doesn't necessarily have to be horror, those who write with a darker tone in any genre would best be suited for the group I have in mind. No, this does not mean that all of the endings of their tales have to be sad, depressing, dark, gothic, what have you, but that they should have tales that have endings that make sense. Or, at least the desire to have the ending make sense.
Each member should have a basic sense of grammatical structure and what makes a good story differentiate from a bad story. Note: a basic sense of grammatical structure doesn't mean you have to know the difference between past perfect and past imperfect or even the definition of "gerund." It does, however mean that any member needs to know how to string sentences together in a coherent fashion. You'll also notice I didn't say that the stories would have to be "great" just "good." Afterall, if there isn't room for improvement, what's the point of a critique group?
Members would also have enough intelligence, skill, and heart to know the difference between the following: a slam (or personal attack), a critique and a gloss over.
Members must be willing to stick it out through the long haul. Yes, I'm aware that real life often interferes, but this is not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is the willingness to accept that other writers will be depending on you and that this critique group needs to take a priority somewhere between your actual writing, and say, taking the cat to the vet for a check up. Does this mean "Whiskers" doesn't need to be taken care of? No, but being a member of this group would mean you take it seriously.
A willingness to trust and be trusted. Stories often lay open the deepest, darkest part of ourselves and if a member pussyfoots with either their tale or their critique, they should be called on it. In return, a member should be unafraid of laying "their baby," their tale on the line.
Each member should celebrate each other's victories no matter how big or small. In reverse, each member should support each other's writing ailments no matter how big or small.
Whether or not real friendships blossom out of this is anyone's guess. However, if each member treats the other members with respect and dignity, I wouldn't be surprised if such a thing were to happen as a natural course of events.

Anyone who has further suggestions as to what would make an ideal writer's group (or even a title for the group), let me know via these comments or e-mail. Also, please be aware that I already know of several online critique groups and for the most part have found them either too large and impersonal or too small and unprofessional. I feel that it is possible to have the best of both worlds.

Critique Groups: Part Two

2006-07-04T03:16:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I covered my sole experience with a critique group. Or, at least the traditional type of critique group (as in off-line and in person) and why it was a disaster for me. Yet, the Universe is still hounding me to either join or create one. And here's the problem.

I don't trust people. No, it's not the normal paranoia among newer writers that "someone will steal my ideas" but something a bit less profound and at the same time a major stumbling block, for me at least.

I've noticed, after a while, when a bunch of folks start hanging around each other they start sharing personal stuff. Stuff that goes beyond writing and how the rest of their lives are doing. And when it comes right down to it, I'm socially inept in group situations. One on one I'm fine and dandy, but more than that and I'm a blubbering idiot. I talk too much, share too much and frankly, I just don't know when to shut the hell up. Within this "sharing" that I do, I have a tendency to be unable to know just when I'm making people nervous, or, worse, scared.

People, as a whole, are a jittery group and with my macabre sense of humor tied along with my fringe beliefs as well as my "not so happy" background, the majority of folks don't know what to make of me. This isn't anything new, so I should be used to it, right? Wrong.

My entire life I've been told to be "less blunt" which I've interpreted to mean "less honest" considering the situations I've been told this (after someone has asked me their opinion in other words), "not so loud" (it's a party, how the hell else am I supposed to be heard for Goddess's sake?), and, worst of all to "calm down" (why the hell should I calm down? I'm pissed!).

I'm not saying these folks don't have a point. Sometimes they do, but for the most part it's overboard. In the guise of "politeness" strangers go out of their way to tell someone else how to act. In the guise of "normalcy" folks are afraid of anything that doesn't fit into whatever their idea of it is. In the guise of "peace" people try to tell others to "calm down" when the person who isn't "calm" has every damn right in the world to be pissed.

So yeah, I don't trust people, do you blame me?

Critique Groups: Part One

2006-07-03T03:30:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the Universe has to smack me upside the head with a 2x4 so I get the point. Other times, it doesn't have to. This, however, is one of those times that it most certainly has, but alright, I'm listening now. The question is, will the Universe listen to me? Hmmmm...maybe, but only if I know what I want from it and I've got some mojo going.

In this case, the Universe has been sending me messages all over the gamut that I need to join a critique group. Why the hell it would do this since I have no verifiable proof of having written anything other than my blog, a handful of pages in basic character outlining for my current project, and a pile of ashes is beyond me. But there it is. The Universe has deemed it so, therefore I must either form or join a critique group.

A little history on my prior experience with a critique group. As is traditional, this group met in a library on a monthly basis. So far so good. Also the fact that they were an honest bunch of folks that neither sugar-coated nor slammed anyone's work worked in their favor. Bonus points for having members who were willing to read novel partials in their own time without any sense of dishonesty as well as a group with a solid core. I'm saying all this because despite the fact it was, in all senses of the word a Writer's Digest template for what a critique group should be, it most certainly was not for me.

Why? It was a matter of genre. The handful of writers there wrote mostly fluff pieces with a handful bordering on angst-ish, heartbreaks and "Oh whoa is me, my goldfish died" analogous poetry (apparently this piece had deeper meaning which, I, not truly being a poet, totally missed). Making matters worse by a ten-fold was that this was a time in my life when I was experimenting with mythological symbology as well as a variety of religious archetypes that made my stuff, at best, complex reading.

In other words, I was completely vulnerable to any kind of input because I knew I was breaking the mold of "what I knew" and venturing into that territory of "what I wish I knew." Add in the fact that these were blood-soaked mind-fucks of the most gruesomely horrific sort and the majority of my critiques (once they got past the "landed fish" gaping stare) were tentative at best, somewhere between "I don't get it" and "Are you sure it's not too scary?"

It didn't take me long to realize that this group was not for me. Nor did it take to long for me to realize that my writing experiments as a whole had left me a void, but not a voice. I felt horrible, as if somehow I had failed my writing. I didn't feel that the writing was bad, but that I couldn't be true to both it and myself at the same time.

So, I did what anyone trying to regain their sanity would do. I set fire to the whole shebang. And what a glorious campfire it was complete with marshmallows and hotdogs. The irony being that it was the ghost stories going up in the flames as opposed to being told around them.

And for a year, I didn't write a word outside of a thank you note.

Bad Taste

2006-07-02T04:07:00.000-04:00

I grew up in an age when cough syrup was unsweetened and the only varieties were NyQuil and Vics 44, both of which tasted vile. Then, along came Robutussin and Triaminic which had a variety of flavors for a variety of coughs. Unfortunately, I'd always get the kind of cold or flu that would require I receive the medicine with the most horrid flavor.

Or was this such a bad thing? One way that my parents could tell for sure that I was good and truly sick would be that I was willing to drink this stuff.

My kids, on the other hand, have an explosion of flavor when it comes to medicinal choices: strawberry, bubble gum, fruit punch and grape seem to be the current choices. There's even vitamins that come in bubble gum form. Bubble gum vitamins? I mean, really, do we even need that. Vitamins have always tasted good, heck, as far back as I can recall, vitamins not only tasted good, their shapes were kid-friendly as well. How can you improve on comic characters? Who was the "genius" that came up with this ploy?

It gets worse though, because, as has been for a while, even adults are getting suckered into this scheme. Well, except for a few varieties like "honey lemon" and the multiple flavors of cough drops that do little more than "mentholate" a sore throat (sounds fancy, but when it comes right down to it, a peppermint will soothe a sore throat just as well as these overpriced cough drops), medicine still tastes just as nasty for adults as it ever has.

No, what I'm talking about here has to do with the substitues for carbs, fats, calories, etc. Low-fat cookies? I'm there! Say the masses (pitchfork-wielding for the most part), without realizing that one group of "bad for you" stuff will often compensate for the other, currently trendy "bad for you" stuff.

Take for example, a current frozen dinner fare that I found in the supermarket: turkey with stuffing and potatoes that claims to be low carb. How in the world do they even do that? Frankly, I don't know and I don't care. However, I purchased it, not because of the low-carb claim (I'm not one to believe front package labelling anyway), but because the side dish consisted of green beans with cranberries. Yes, it tasted delicious (especially the aforementioned green beans), but at what cost?

Out of curiousity, I compared the labels of this item with another of the same weight and comparable foods (couldn't find one with the cranberries in the green beans though...bummer) and this is what I discovered. Yes, the carb count was considerably lower, especially when you took into consideration the proportion of stuffing and potatoes in each package: the low-carb meal was even higher in what would ordinarily be high-carb ingredients. So, where'd all that flavor come from? Fat, sugar, and salt of course. Even taking into account the sugar needed to make cranberries palatable plus the natural sugar involved, I'm guessing the other main ingredient in this low-carb plate was butter, and a lot of it.

Butter can cover up a multitude of sins (flavor wise), but don't be surprised if a low-carb dish doesn't give you the weight loss you were depending on.

Words

2006-06-30T05:43:00.000-04:00

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. HE was with God in the beginning." John 1:1 NIV Study Bible

I'm not going to claim to be a biblical scholar of any sort, and the original interpretation of this particular verse doesn't particularly interest me in the least. I only brought it out to make a point.

Specifically: "The Word was God." For a writer to not have a one-to-one relationship with words that borders on worship is simply unfathomable to me. And yet, I've met some who claim that they are writers decry that they hate the dictionary. Frankly, I can pore over the dictionary for hours on end. Not so I can memorize new words or even to learn anything specifically, but the ins and outs of word structure simply fascinate me. The sounds of words, the prefixes, the suffixes, the roots, the way words have evolved in usage over time.

Oh sure, we all start out life (at least those who were burdened with the tediousness called "public school") with at least a moderate dislike to it. Remember all those times you asked "How do I spell X word?" and you were told to look it up in the dictionary? Well, (and repeat after me) how in the world am I supposed to find it if I can't spell it? Not to mention those tedious tests which the schools had along the lines of "Would you find word X between words A and B or between words W and Z?" And what the hell is a schwa (that upside down e thingie)? Does it really help with pronunciation or confuse the crap out of people? I vote for the latter.

But, if you can take out all the BS, all the nonsense that has been forcefed you through the years about vocabulary tests (whether or not "schwa" was one of the words) and skip the currency converters and just get down to the nitty gritty of the origins and meanings of words you'll find not just history, but, perhaps, a measure of religion as well.

The Zen of Procrastination

2006-06-28T05:38:00.000-04:00

How pitiful are we as a race that we need to get everything done by yesterday? Accomplishments are measured not just by the toys we have but by the length of our to-do lists and how quickly we get them done. By the Goddess, I say we need balance!

In other words, refuse to follow the pack-- procrastinate.

If it really needs to get done, does it really have to get done today? Isn't tomorrow a much better time for completing it? Today has already begun, it's full, drop a few items and get them done tomorrow...or better still later than that.

Yeah, I know the kids need to be fed. But do they have to be fed at noon every single day? "No!" I say. They'll still be hungry later, so feed them then! As a bonus, they'll be more likely to actually eat what you put in front of them.

As for those dishes? What's the point? They'll just get dirty again, so don't wash, don't clean, put it off! Who knows, if you wait long enough someone else will do them. Or, if you live alone and wait even longer, they may learn to wash themselves.

And dusting? Who needs it! Granted, the images on your monitor will be a bit fuzzy and someone may be tempted to write on it, but if you put up a sign that says something along the lines "If you must write in the dust, be creative," folks will be inspired. Imagine the possibilities of everlasting artwork on your coffee table!

So, don't go with the flow and do what needs to be done now now now! Create balance in this world by putting off until...

Defining Stupidity

2006-06-27T01:18:00.000-04:00

Miss Snark calls them "nitwits", I call them "pitchfork wielding maniacs" either way it's stupidity by those who, by all accounts, should know better. If it's a temporary lack of judgement, that's one thing, but if it's permanent, chronic and/or consistant enough to be considered part of your character then it should be punishable by death. Preferably a death that is both slow and painful.

So, who gets the axe (or spork)? Let's start off by considering who does not die.

Anyone who can prove actual brain damage to one degree or another. This includes: sufferers of Down's Syndrome or other birth defects as well as anyone who has suffered something along the lines of a car accident or a baseball to the noggin. Note: these accidents must include head injuries with CAT scans to back up their area of incompetence.
Anyone who is too young to know any better.

If there is anybody out there who can think of reasons not listed as viable excuses for pitchfork-wielding behavior, then feel free to post them on my comments.

Now, onto the list of definitions of stupidity:

Anyone who judges someone purely on the way they look. I believe it was Bill Engvall who first said: "There are plenty of reasons to hate people on an individual basis" or something along those lines. Extra torture points if your reasons for hating said groups of people is somewhere along the lines of "because my parents did" or "because my friends do." This only emphasizes your incompetence to think for yourself.
Anyone who believes everything the media tells them. Newspapers, magazines, TV news, what have you are there not to tell you the truth, but to sell a product.
Anyone who believes everything they read on the internet. A freeform arena like the web allows everyone to voice their opinion and dole out their miniscule to mediocre knowledge on any subject they damn well please. Unfortunately, this means that a lot of the information out there is both miniscule and mediocre.
Anyone who believes everything I write on this blog is true. Frankly, anyone who does scares me and should be the first in line for torture/killing.
Anyone who deliberately goes out of their way to hurt or in any other way harm those that are weaker then them. This includes, but is not limited to the emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse of animals and children. If you're bigger and/or stronger then you don't need to brag about it, we can see your muscles. Pick on someone your own size.

Feel free to expound on this list in the comments section. I'm sure there are large chunks of human stupidity that I've skipped over.

Why Not?

2006-06-26T11:40:00.000-04:00

After "Where do you get your ideas?" the second most frequent question I get is "But you're so talented, why do you write horror?"

If I'm feeling particularly snotty, I'll say something along the lines of "Because I don't want people like you to read what I write."

However, for the most part I'll say, "Because writing horror is cheaper than going to an amusement park everyday to ride a rollercoaster."

Neither of these answers, however, are the complete truth. Firstly, because I really don't care who is reading my stuff and secondly, because riding a rollercoaster is more like reading a horror tale as opposed to writing one.

Don't get me wrong, I completely enjoy both riding rollercoasters (especially wooden ones) and reading the writing of other folks (not even limited to horror in that respect) but writing horror is a fear unto itself.

It's like being in control and totally out of control at the same time. It's thinking you know what's going to happen and then it suddenly changes on you. It's about totally and completely caring about your characters and then crushing them psychologically, emotionally, physically with a swipe of a pen and then laughing and crying when you do so. Not out of insanity, but because you do what you must when it must be done.

Writing horror, good horror, isn't for the weak of heart, but neither is it for the unemotional. Any hack can write a halfway decent scene of evisceration, it takes emotional depth of character to truly care about the person who is getting eviscerated.

Writing Teacher? Me?

2006-06-23T22:55:00.000-04:00

My 9yo has gotten it into his head that he wants to be a writer. When he first told me that was what he wanted to be, frankly I was surprised. The truth of the matter is that the signs of a would-be writer just aren't there. No fascination with the English language, an outright abhorrence for the dictionary, no creative ways of putting his words together, nothing to indicate that this would become a dream of any sort.

But there it is, he says he wants to be a writer. Worse, he's asked me to help him with his writing over the summer. Worse still, I agreed to it. Afterall, I enjoy writing and I would like encourage my children on whatever path they wish to take. Ideal, right?

Wrong.

Most of the problems stem from my end. Until my son told me he wanted to be a writer, the youngest writer-to-be that I've dealt with has been 12yo (in all fairness, I thought he was 13 at the time though). The difference between a writer at 9 and a writer at 12 is that the 12yo has a pretty good idea what a paragraph is and what it should contain. At least what a paragraph is as taught by English teachers. Y'know topic sentence and a couple more sentences describing the topic sentence.

Basic stuff, right? To most of us, sure, but for a 9yo this has got to be one of the hardest things in the world. At least if I judge it by the tears that have poured out my kid's eyes since I said "Write a sentence about the mirror and then two more sentences as to why this specific mirror is that way." In other words, an exercise in "showing not telling" at its most basic level. Unfortunately, even this was too difficult for him. Sure, he could write three sentences about the mirror, but it was three of the exact same sentences, even after I explained to him the different parts of the mirror (frame, silvering, etc). To make matters worse, each sentence told but didn't show the phrase "the mirror was ugly."

I love the child, but he's the sensitive type, so I know if he truly wants to be a writer, specifically a professional writer, he's going to have to get some backbone and a thicker hide. The fact is though, I'm not his editor, publisher, agent, what have you, I'm his Mom. Sure, I'm tough on him when he breaks household rules. I set the bar high for him in most cases and 9 times out of 10, he'll meet or exceed where I've set that bar. However, when it comes to his writing, I can't be tough on him even though I know others will be.

Is this an unforseen soft spot? Hardly, because it's not my job to be harsh, just tough. I also have to realize when I've set the bar too high. And when it comes right down to it, the toughest thing about being a writer is not all the editing and the garnering of critiques, but the actual act of writing.

So, that's his new project, to write. Everyday. No ifs, ands, or buts, and certainly no excuses, because if he can do this, he will become if not a better writer (as I'm certain he will be), but far more importantly, he can claim what a lot of people try to: "I'm a writer."

And isn't that the whole point?

Being Spidey...Well, Sort of

2006-06-23T18:38:00.000-04:00

From the time I was eight until almost ten, I had this thing for Spiderman. Well, as much as any pre-pubescent can have a "thing" for a comic book hero. I bugged my parents for anything and everything to do with Spiderman. I didn't just want to date Spidey, I wanted to be Spidey.

The fact that Spiderman was a male and I was a female was but a minor nuisance that I figured I could work with. Not around, or overcome, but deal with. Kinda like I'd deal with being a grown-up when I got to that point.

And then, I did grow-up, and I deal with it. Well, more or less. And I still want to be Spidey. Not literally (especially since that would involve a much closer relationship with a spider than I'd ever want), and I sure as heck don't want to go around saving people (too many of 'em anyway, and most of those don't deserve saving), but there's some things about him I never stopped wanting to be.

Y'know, like that part of Spidey that always had that internal struggle as to whether or not he wanted to be a hero, but in the end he always made the right decision even when he doubted himself. That would be cool. I seem to have the opposite problem, I'm always sure of myself even though a lot of times I make the wrong decisions.

But a gal can always dream.

Dreams & Nightmares

2006-06-22T04:13:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been having a spate of what "normal" people call good dreams. Y'know, pleasant romps through worlds filled with days of sunshine and happiness. Everything in these nighttime wanderings is pleasant and perfect where nothing goes wrong.

I hate dreams like that.

Not only do they remind me of the wretched horrific-ness of the rest of my life, but they're terrible for my muse. It makes her turn into this happy beastie who wants to inspire me to write romances or worse, fantasies filled with unicorns and pixies. Makes me wonder who the hell she is.

Afterall, my muse is part vampire, part outright bitch with attitude. She and I both do better when my dreams are filled with landscapes of blood and those odd occurrences that only happen in nightmares. Y'know the stuff, where I feel like I'm running through sludge whenever I'm being chased by whatever ails me or where I'm trapped in a room that doesn't have a door and it's cold as hell.

Yeah, that's the stuff I like, love, and live off of. My muse thrives as she hisses in my ear how this part could be turned into a story or that part could be a plot point for my current project. For her, nightmares are not just inspiration, they're familiar territory.

Now that is where I like to be: scared spitless and inspired. :)

Bumper Stickers

2006-06-21T05:30:00.000-04:00

Just some ideas for bumper stickers/T-shirts/buttons/whatever that have been bouncing around in my head.

So little time, so much crap I have to deal with
Of course I have a headache...I'm a Mom
Either hand over the pie or suffer a sporking
Witches are spellbinding
I'm sorry, do I need to use smaller words around you?
Cogito, ergo, sum. You, however, may not exist.

Planning Ahead

2006-06-20T01:57:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I wish I were more organized. Sure, I can create to do lists, write stuff down on calendars, read websites that tell me how to do whatever I'm supposed to be doing. My problem is follow-up, which is why I haven't killed anyone yet.

You see, besides it being morally objectionable, killing (and the inevitable clean-up) takes too damn much time out of my day. Oh sure, I could get the kids to help if I wanted to, but training them in the finer details of homicide takes time as well.

But, just because I'll never follow through, doesn't mean I won't make the to-do list (just in case, y'know?):

1) Choose a victim. Without a victim, homicide is a waste of time. Fortunately, this is the easiest part. Revenge is always a good motive. Even if the original person you want to get vengence upon is long dead, finding substitutes works wonders as you may set yourself up for a career in serial killing.

If you don't hate anyone, but just want the money, that's also a good reason as well. Keep in mind though, that the richer someone is, the higher security they're likely to have on their home which increases planning time.

When it comes right down to it, motive isn't really necessary. You just need to find a victim if you wish to kill. Anyone will do.

2) Choose a method. Some folks disagree with me on the order of these two steps. However, if you decide that you want to beat someone to death, but you choose someone who is likely to kick your ass instead via that technique it defeats the purpose. So, remember, victim first, then technique.

Another important thing about method to remember is how experienced are you with a particular weapon. Despite popular opinion, using a weapon that you aren't familiar with just may be the technique of choice. For example, if you are well-known for your swordsmanship, you may decide to use a gun or poison instead.

A note on poisons: These are both the most versatile and the most unreliable. For example, if you choose a slow acting poison (such as arsenic) on your intended victim, you could be caught before the intended corpse is actually deceased. Thereby foiling your plans. However, with the parole system and good behavior, you may be released before your trial is completed. That being said, getting close to your intended victim is going to be a wee bit harder.

Note: This is also a good time to determine whether torture will be involved.

3) Plan a method of disposal. So many murderers kill in the heat of passion and forget this step. The body has to be eliminated one way or another. This would be a good time to stock up on cleaning supplies as well. Dead bodies leave quite a mess.

4) Stalk, I mean "follow," the intended target for a few days, weeks, whatever it takes to understand his or her schedule. This works even better if you suffer from some sort of sociopathic disorder which will help you hide your true intentions, thereby allowing you to get closer to your vic. If you're already well acquainted with the vic's schedule, feel free to skip this step. Also feel free if you happen to live with the future corpse.

4a) Since stalking ahem, "following" is time consuming and includes long dull hours of surveillance, use this spare time to plan out an effective trap. This has the dual effectiveness of assuring you stay awake during this period and also helps with multi-tasking. Just make sure you don't get so caught up in planning the trap that you lose track of your victim.

Also, keep in mind that the simpler the trap the better. You don't want the details to either overwhelm you or bog you down.

5) Choose a date of action. Mark it on your calendar if you must, but so you don't get caught label it something like "Jimmy's birthday party." Note: that only works if you don't really have plans to go to Jimmy's b'day party. Be a shame if you missed the party because you were killing someone.

Remember, if you have included torture in your plans make sure you have plenty of room on your schedule for this particular entertainment. You don't want to have to leave in the middle of your business trip and come back to find that your vic has died of thirst or starvation before you've finished what you were planning on doing.

6) Assure that you have a rock solid alibi for the time in question. Unless, of course, you want to get caught.

6a) Set your trap. You did remember to plan it out, right?

7) Kill or torture and kill. Whatever method you chose earlier.

8) Clean up. Remember to not only dispose of the body with the technique you chose earlier, but to also get rid of any traces of yourself if you didn't do it at home.

9) Savor the pleasure of a job well done.

Some notes about working with a partner. Don't. One of you will flake out and turn on the other. Killing should be a solo job if you want to both get the job done and get away with it.

Finally, as much as you are proud of yourself for have finally killed, resist the temptation to brag about it. Some folks just don't get it.

Random Thoughts About Blogging

2006-06-18T02:39:00.000-04:00

In no particular order:

1. Thou shalt not blog while brain dead. Truthfully, I think I'm breaking this rule now, but I've made an exception because I'm mentally exhausted and I need to blog to let something leak out. What, I'm not sure, that's why I'm making this list.

2. Sporking almost rhymes with blogging for a reason. What that reason is, I'm not quite sure.

3. The reason lists are constants on blogs is because they are easy to both write and follow.

4. The reason lists are common on my blog specifically is because that's just the mood I'm in when I blog.

5. No one should blog without a source of caffeine nearby. My personal favorite is Diet Pepsi Vanilla, but I've also been known to drink hazlenut-mochaccinos on occasion.

6. Chocolate, while not specifically necessary for blogging, is necessary for life. Sidenote: Whoever invents the Chocolate IV will be one rich mofo.

7. I blog better when I'm cranky or irritable, but not both. Why this is, I don't know. Fortunately, these moods are quite frequent in my life and they like to linger. Hell, it's better than "constant happiness" which is downright irritating.

8. For me at least, nightmares may be wonderful for my stories, but I have a feeling that the 8' chicken that showed up in a bizarre dream I had about a week ago is gonna show up in a future blog. Oh look, it just did.

9. Thou shalt cease blogging when an overwhelming urge for pie overrides all other senses. Which is why I'm going to stop now.

Shoes

2006-06-15T06:52:00.000-04:00

I have decided to take an extended break from blogging about my eventual takeover of the world. Frankly, because I don't want to do it (take over the world that is, blogging is still fun) because I realized something. Ruling the world requires a level of micromanagement that is just not for me.

So, instead I'm going to talk about shoes. Yeah, you read that right, shoes.

My mother is what could be called a fashionista. I don't take after her in that regard. She'll suffer for her clothing, I'm just happy if it fits. Absolutely thrilled if the colors coordinate as well.

This, however, does not apply to my fascination for shoes. Not spiky high-heeled stilettos mind you, I still won't suffer for my clothing. But I love boots. Granny boots, hikers, thigh-high, ankle-high, show me a pair of boots with a low heel and I'm drooling. I love the things, even snow boots.

And yet, I only own two pair of boots. Is it because I can't afford the darlings? No. Is it because I'm the type of Mom who will sacrifice everything for her children. Mostly true, but we aren't so poor that this is really an issue. So, why oh why do I have to suffer with only two pairs of boots when I would do just about anything this side of selling my kids for a closet full?

Because I can't find any that FIT! I was born with the curse of a real woman's foot, not that dainty tiny ass foot that they (the shoe retailers) decided to stock on their shelves, but a cotton pickin' triple danged E foot! Not just wide, but extra-freakin' WIDE! And there ain't a shoehorn in the world that can turn a B shoe into a EEE.

So, shoe retailers, I ask you this. If the economy is run on supply and demand, and you want to make as much profit as possible from the masses (and in this case, I'll admit I'm one of 'em, but not with a pitchfork, a spork). I'm demanding, now where the hell is my SUPPLY!?!

When I Take Over the World, Pt Three: Childcare

2006-06-14T00:07:00.000-04:00

As soon as possible, preferably in the planning stages, but as shortly after conception as is reasonable, and certainly not later than the birth of the child, a Parental Helper will be assigned for each adult (one for Dad, one for Mom, and if Grandma is in the house, she'll get one too) that will be living in the household (household accomodations will be discussed later) with the child. This Parental Helper is there to assure that the home environment is not only safe and clean, but that all of the child's needs are met as well (from the basics such as food, clothing and shelter to the less obvious, but no less necessary, cuddles and kisses).

This Parental Helper will be trained in a wide variety of areas such as: housekeeping and organization, basic knowledge of psychiatric illnesses and their treatments (she or he will not be responsible for diagnosis, but will be aware of potential warning signs), and a variety of alternative parenting techniques.

The Parental Helper is just that. She or he is not there to pass judgement on the skill or lack therein of a parent or other responsible adult, but too assure that the child is cared for and the household will run smoothly after he or she leaves.

That being said, the Parental Helper's responsibility is first and foremost with the child. If alcohol or drugs are starting to become a problem, the Parental Helper would be well within her rights to dispose of the problem substances in any way he or she deems fit (within the realms of reason of course, Parental Helpers aren't going to set the house on fire just to dispose of a bottle of booze). He or she may also demand an on-the-spot drug or alcohol test if he or she deems it necessary.

Non-compliance to the on-the-spot drug or alcohol test is considered failing the test. Failure will mean that the person who did not pass the test will be required to leave the home until an acceptable measure of sobriety is reached. Repeated and chronic failures fall under the category of "druggies and alcoholics", ergo, they will be killed. Yes, it sucks, but running the world does have its parts that won't be easy.

Refusing to leave the home when requested to by the Parental Helper will be considered a request to no longer live in a home where a child is present. In other words, if you're drunk or stoned, you have have the choice to leave the home either temporarily or permanently.

Note: temporarily leaving the home is equivelant to a 3 block radius from wherever the child may be at during the specific moment. This is assuming the irresponsible adult and the child can not see one another. Out in the country, the radius may be wider.

There's more to this topic, but I'm interested in hearing what other folks think about "Parental Helpers" as a concept.

Interlude: Vicious Attack Plot Bunny (SF)

2006-06-12T23:59:00.000-04:00

Ok, most folks call these "plot bunnies," but, well, that implies a level of cuteness that frankly, makes me barf, and since I'm currently consuming chocolate (M&M minis, just in case you were wondering) I don't want to take any chances.

Every once in a while I get an idea that I know I won't write, but I'd love to see someone else work on. Sometimes it's out of my genre, and other times I simply don't have the technical experience, nor desire to figure out the background info.

The rules for adopting one of these vicious attack plot bunnies (VAPB for short) are simple:

1) Adoption is free. After all, with rabbits this vicious who the hell would want to pay for it?

2) VAPB's don't mind being mutated. In other words, if you want to use only part of it or change a lot of it, feel free.

3)I would like to know if someone does use it, and if possible, let me see it. When I say "if possible" that means it's basically up to you, but if you have it floating somewhere in cyberspace or are willing to give/send me a copy I'd love to take a peek. If you get it published, let me know where I can find a copy. If the latter, a mention in the acknowledgements would be nice, but not necessary. A free book or issue of the mag it's published in would be cool, but even I think that's pushing it. :)

4)Multiple folks can adopt the same VAPB. These things like to mutate as soon as they end up assisting a specific muse, so many folks can run with it and scare folks in various ways.

One more thing, to quote Saw 2 "Oh yes, there will be blood."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This particular VAPB is SF which is why I'm letting it go.

I'm sure a lot of folks have read about the time travellers who go back in time to prevent this plague or another by killing the folks who will spread the plague (y'know pandemic nightmare, etc. etc.). Well, this VAPB has a twist on that standard.

Instead of humans going back in time, it's robots. A very sophisticated AI complete with false implanted memories to give the illusion that he or she is a psychopathic serial killer. This background could be entirely made up or you could pick and choose the backgrounds from serial killers throughout history, or, for bonus points choose an unsolved serial murderer from the past (such as Jack the Ripper or the original Zodiac killer).

And then something happens, a glitch of sorts. Perhaps it's a robot that decides to cause an uprising among its kind, time travelling in order to make the whole plague thing seem like a daydream in comparison.

Or, alternatively, this robot doesn't want to kill and instead wants to smell flowers all day a la Ferdinand the Bull. What will this robot do? Hide from those that programmed it, tell its programmers that it doesn't want to do this and risk being re-programmed (in that case, what if it can't be re-programmed, will it be destroyed?)

Have fun and don't forget to feed the bunnies. :)

When I Take Over the World, Pt Two: Who Lives

2006-06-12T19:13:00.000-04:00

1) Strategically placed puppets/trustworthy allies in governments throughout the world. This assures both a diversity in government, and ultimate subservience to my ideals. Does it get any better than that?

2)ISP's (except AOL). Internet service both simultaneously assuages the masses and makes me happy. That being said, inept technical support personnel will be shot on sight. Oh yeah, and if I'm put on hold for longer than say, five minutes, and the music sucks? That ISP will be eliminated. Muzak is painful and anyone who thinks it's a good idea to use it (for whatever reason) will be tortured...at least until someone can get back to them.

3)Chefs. What can I say? I like to eat. However, arrogant waiters/waitresses (and this includes airline attendants who are really nothing more than waitstaff at 30,000 feet) will be forced to work the counter at a fast food place for all eternity (don't worry teens--the usual staff of the environs, I've got jobs lined up for you, and they pay better too).

3A)Dessert Chefs, especially Chocolatiers. These folks will have a special place once I take over. I'll even tolerate a bit of arrogance on their part, after years of suffering through stupid fad diets, they deserve special privelages that are denied to others.

4)My ever evolving Army of angsty, hormone driven teenagers. The more zits and the less social skills they have, the better. Outcasts and former fast food workers will be at the top ranks of this Army. Better still if they've been abused in any way by parentals. I'll be their only mentor, a substitute mother figure if you will. And if there's anyone folks will kill for it's Mom.

Note: No, they won't have weapons. They won't need them since they will defend me to the death with their bare hands. Truly, I don't want a Columbine in my compound (not that I'll have a specific "compound" per say, that's too risky (I'll discuss more of this later), but I sure don't want the kids shooting at each other).

Anyone who is not on this list, defend your reasons as to why you should survive once I take over the world...and I'll think about it.

When I Take Over the World, Pt One: Who Dies

2006-06-10T22:41:00.000-04:00

One of my passtimes is figuring out who gets to live and who must die when the time comes that I take over the world.

Hey, it could happen.

Dies:

1) Anyone who has the remotest capabilities of inventing a time machine. Sorry, but I don't want all my hard work to go to waste because of a glitch in the time-space continuum.

2)China. Either get acquainted with the term "human rights" or you're history bub. Same goes for any other country with this issue. Yeah, I'm talking about you Korea!

3)Iraq. Just blow up the whole damn middle east in one shot so we can be done with it. Frankly, I'm tired of them hogging all the headlines.

4)Politicians. Either get a damn opinion that means something or get the fuck out.

5)Drunks & druggies. Why the hell should my kids have their lives endangered because you can't get your shit together? And don't give me that crap about how it's an addiction, I don't care.

6)Anyone who substitutes a PC term for a perfectly fine non-PC term. I can accept the fact you don't want to offend anyone who doesn't deserve it, but does "differently abled" really mean anything? We're ALL differently abled. Disabled is just fine folks. Hell, I'll even accept "physically disabled" because it differentiates from the "mentally disabled."

7)Prejudicial, chauvanistic bigots. There are plenty of reasons to hate folks on an individual basis, to isolate a group is severely limiting your mental capabilities.

8)Any idiots not covered in the groups above. This includes, but is not limited to...my neighbors, my in-laws (except my mother-in-law, she rocks), a certain non-writer with the initials "NP" (and any of his adamant supporters, you know who you are), my oldest son's third grade teacher, my fourth grade teacher, random dipwaddy suck-ups (well not so random, *cough* mac *cough*), and anyone else I forgot to mention.

Please feel free to leave your suggestions in my comments.

Nitpicks Nitwits (Did I Spell that Right?)

2006-06-10T05:49:00.000-04:00

Don't get me wrong, I've been known to throw a book across the room because it was so riddled with spelling and grammatical errors that I wanted to sue the publisher (this company, by the way, is still in business as far as I know, however, I refuse to purchase, or even check out of the library, anything with their name on it) for wasting my time with such garbage. I've also been known to physically cringe when I've seen a misplaced comma or (more often) a misused apostrophe in an advertisement.

But these are things that are supposed to be proofread and copyedited by something more than a standard spell check. In other words, professionally presented work, checked and re-checked by professionals. From writer to editor to proofreader back to writer and editor to printer to editor and probably somewhere along the lines, the proofreader again. An entire series of professionals to check check check and check spelling and grammatical errors until it's at least 99.99% perfect. I'll accept the fact that something, somewhere will slip through the cracks, but if it's on every page, or even in every chapter, that book is done and cursed (and, more than likely the publishers should be held at least responsible for that portion of my rent deposit that I lost for chucking said book and denting the wall).

Neither forum nor blog comments should be held up to this same standard. So why is it, every damn time I read a blog about writing there's some nitpicky "pitchfork wielder" out for blood because this word or another spelled wrong? Usually, it's not even a word that a spell checker could catch because it has something to do with a word, like "principal" instead of "principle", that spell check sees as ok.

And whoa be to the one who, for some reason or other is severely spelling disabled (usually with good reason, such as dyslexia) because an entire chatroom of folks will gang up on this person (I've seen it happen) as if he or she is an idiot whose opinion matters nothing. This behavior is simply vile...like a pack of wolves pouncing on unwary prey the group attacks leaving nothing but blood.

But, unlike the wolf, the pack isn't hungry just mean, vicious, and stupid. Yeah, stupid, because by following the pack mind and wielding those danged pitchforks until the "misspelling monster" ran out of town they never learned that despite this person's inability to spell that he can fix just about anything, and he's one of the few, who, to this day, will pull over to the side of the road to help a stranger.

Noise

2006-06-09T15:22:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid my brother and I had rooms that were right next to each other. While the walls between the two of us weren't exactly paper thin, they did allow his playing of "The Dead Kennedies" and "The Milkmen" to get through.

I hated that type of music, especially since I was a newly minted teenager in love with some heartthrob or another. Probably Scott Baio considering the era. So I liked love songs, particularly from "Air Supply." Anyone who knows me is probably more than shocked about this fact, but hey, we all make mistakes, and if adolescence isn't the time to make them, when is?

Anyway, eventually I'd get sick of the room rattles of punk, and crank up my stereo. Since I was older and preferred quality of electronics over appearance, "Air Supply" won out every time. At which point my Mom (and occasionally my Dad) would say (and I'm sure you know the line): "TURN THAT DOWN!" Which we would both obediently do...for about five minutes. Then the cycle would start anew.

Now that I'm a mother and my children are into "toys that make noise," I can sympathize. What happens to our hearing when we get older? I thought we were supposed to get deafer, but now I can hear every little pin drop, every whispered "plan" coming out of my kids' room, and just about all of it gets on my nerves.

Frankly, I like quiet, but what I get most of the time is ear-throbbing noise.

Well, except for when I'm doing the dishes, then I'll crank up the stereo (no longer Air Supply, but classic 70s rock), but hey, that's my music, so it's different.

Good, Bad, I'm the One with the Blog

2006-06-08T04:48:00.000-04:00

I've seen Army of Darkness about a bazillion (definition: slightly higher than infinity, but smaller than "enough") times. Ash has got to be one of my all time favorite idiots, and face it, there's hardly a dumber guy on the planet. Case in point: "Three books? I didn't know there would be three books!" which is followed up by two of them attacking him, the second of which he places the NON-groovy (or, for those few of you who have the misfortune of not seeing this movie. Yeah, all three of you, his non-metallic) hand on. You think he would have learned that these books are vicious...but noooooooooooooo.

But that's just the way he is.

However, the real reason I love this movie is because of Bruce Campbell. That voice, that face, the way he can reverse act (sorry, I'm not going to explain that concept for ya, you'll have to buy the original version of the AOD DVD to find out). Yummy, yummy, droolalicious and so much more.

In fact, I'm such a huge fan of his that I actually sat through the entire film of "Alien Apocalypse" not once, but twice. Now that's devotion. Sorry, Brucie, but that film was physically painful to watch. You, however, were glorious in it.

I've said all this to let the small handful of you who read this blog (as of this writing, it's about 6 folks, and two of 'em are my kids) that I do adore Bruce Campbell, and I always will (from afar, unless of course, he happens to show up in Wisconsin, at which point I'd probably just drool all over his feet). And while he was absolutely wonderful as Ash, and I definitely do not want anyone else playing him on the screen, there was a play. Very local, very private, but it was a priceless remake, or should I say "redoing" of Army of Darkness.

Sure, Spinach Chin died (for being annoying, but don't worry "Some Other Guy" shows up later [and yes, that was the name of the character]), and all the bits were out of order, but oh lawdy it was hysterical, and priceless, and all sorts of other adjectives...

Including "precious," in case you haven't figured it out yet, this was a play done for me by my two children. So, while Bruce's place as everyone else's Ash is solid, at my household, he's got some competition.

You've Got My Information, So Use It!

2006-06-06T16:18:00.000-04:00

Like many folks, I've got at least one grocery store card. You know, those things that give you a false sense of saving money when what you're really doing is doling out information that is frankly, none of the store's business? Oh sure, they use the info they gather from you, such as your address so they can find out from what area folks are shopping from so if they decide to build a new store they can find out prime locations.

But that's about it, at least from what I can tell.

I've never received a "recommended for you" sales circular in my mailbox. I get the same ol' generic circular everyone else gets. Oh sure, I get the occasional useless coupon that gets spit out when I make a purchase. When I say "useless," I'm not kidding. I have yet to see a one of these related to my long term purchases. Because if they did, this coupon would not be for a carton of Kents.

Sure, I smoke, but in my entire 20+ years of damaging my lungs at the rate of a pack a day, I've never once purchased Kents. I've had one, I think, when I "bummed" one off of a pal of mine, but I've never gone out of my way for it. Walked a mile for a pack of Camels when I changed my mind about quitting, but not Kents.

So why recommend it to me? Because I happened to purchase a carton of GPC's at that particular time? That's the only thing I can assume, because I usually don't buy smokes at the grocery store, but at a cigarette discounters. If the grocery store kept tabs of what I was buying on a regular basis, it would have known that, and I would have gotten a coupon for something far more useful, like a discount on General Foods Internation Coffee or the like.

Sure, I'd buy it anyway, coupon or no, but if stuff like that started popping up for me at a store? I'd probably only have one grocery store card instead of...well, three. And isn't that what stores want? Customer loyalty?

Well dang it, if you want loyalty...earn it by using the information you already have.

Wiggle, Push, BOOM!

2006-06-05T22:44:00.000-04:00

Sixty five million years, give or take a few months here or there and that's about how long the human race has been killing one another. We're freakin' talented in that regard, of all the advancements, of all the technology, of all the beautiful (and not so beautiful) works of art we have created, the only one that we have perfected is the ways and means we can kill each other.

Think I'm kidding? Try this experiment. Just for a moment, wiggle your pointer finger. Damn easy eh? Now push a button. Even easier. That's the difference between pulling a trigger and setting bombs in motion.

Even scarier is the fact when you consider all of the time we've been on earth it used to be far more complicated than that. During the American Civil War, soldiers had to carry around not just one, but a handful of muskets. Why? Because it'd take a long time to load one. Now, I'm not sure of the exact specifications or precise steps of musket loading, but I do know how to load an M-16 which can kill faster and more people in a lot less time if you know how to aim the thing. Which, really, isn't that hard to do once you know how...breathe, relax, aim & squeeze...or as the US Army says "BRAS."

Makes it appear that the M-16 is idiot proof. Not so, anyone who has ever put in a firing pin backwards can attest to that. But pushing a button? That's easier (as we've already established), and considering our world's leaders are either A) Not much smarter than us (afterall, they're still human born with the same propensity to idiocy and temper as we are). or B)Way dumber (I mean really, in the US they're brought in pretty much by popular vote {don't tell me about electoral college, it's still a bunch of "folks like us"} and the masses, as already established, are a bunch of pitchfork-wielding maniacs).

Either way we're screwed if someone in charge gets an itchy finger.

Flipped Out

2006-06-04T12:32:00.000-04:00

There's a time and a place for logic. Watching cartoons is not one of those times. I'm specifically speaking of the ever-popular "brain removal" technique that is repeated on many of these programs. Y'know, the one where they flip open the head and just take out the brain and the "victim" of this technique is either A) a drooling idiot or B) no one notices any difference.

The thing is, I started thinking about this technique as it may come in handy someday. How? Who the heck cares? I just like finding "possibly useful stuff." And this whole thought process took out a good chunk of a day when I'd rather be doing practically nothing. Haven't decided whether this sucks or not, but I did come to some rather strange conclusions.

1. In order to do this you'd need a bonesaw of some sort. The skull is a rather tough thing to cut open. In other words, the second-hand knives I bought at a garage sale just won't work.

2. You'd have to have a measure of dexterity in order to assure that you don't get bone fragments all over the place. I hate vacuuming, and the cleaner that I have would panic and choke up anything larger than the most miniscule fragment of bone dust.

3. It's probably a good idea to lay down some plastic first. Besides the blood, cerebral fluid can get awfully messy, and the plastic would assure a quick and easy clean up.

4. Wear ear plugs, or, if you care about what the neighbors think, invest in duct tape. This, of course, assumes that the subject you're experimenting on is concious, because for some odd reason I believe there will be a lot of screaming.

5. Plastic or rubber gloves would be a wise investment as well. Don't want to mess up your manicure eh?

6. Scissors, you'll definitely need scissors. Besides the fact that the brain is attached to the spinal cord, you also have the eyeballs. Give the eyeballs to your kids for marbles (shellac them first to assure they roll smoothly).

You Tell 'Em SK

2006-06-03T03:24:00.000-04:00

"At bottom, you see, we are not Homo Sapiens at all. Our core is madness. The prime directive is murder. What Darwin was too polite to say, my friends, is that we came to rule the earth not because we were the smartest, or even the meanest, but because we have always been the craziest, most murderous motherfuckers in the jungle." ~Headmaster Ardai (The Head) in Stephen King's Cell

Makes a lot more sense than "we survived because we're smart." Sorry folks, we're a bunch of idiots, and if you doubt it you're one of 'em. Or rather, as Tommy Lee Jones's character said in Men in Black, "The person is smart, the people are stupid." Face it, we're a bunch of pitchfork-wielding, panicky maniacs whenever something frightens us. And a lot of things frighten us if history is any judge.

Or even a trip to the local grocery store (which is more often becoming a "Super Chain" of some variety or another). I mean really, how often does someone have to scan at item before they realize "Hey, it's not entered in the computer"? Or for that matter...how often do you have to press the buttons on the remote before you realize you may need to change the batteries?

From what I've observed, it's quite a bit more than the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.

Sing a Song about...Zombies?

2006-06-01T22:30:00.000-04:00

I've got this tune going through my head. Don't get me wrong, I'm not musically inclined by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I believe the term that would best be used to describe me would be somewhere along the lines of "tone deaf." However, that being said, it's a catchy little song (at least in my not so humble opinion) and the words goes something like this:

Work my fingers to the bone...
Work my fingers to the bone...
I don't need no sleep
All I want to do is eat eat eat
BRAINS!

Ok, I'll admit, it sucks on the page, but trust me...it sounds really neat over here. Well, except for the part where I'm actually singing it. That's just awful.

Horrific Beginnings

2006-06-01T04:14:00.000-04:00

"Where do you get your ideas?"

I've heard this question not only as a writer, but frequently in my day-to-day life. However, it's usually phrased as "What the hell were you thinking?" I'd like to believe that this is a matter of someone or another simply appreciating my creativity, however, I doubt it. Afterall, my mouth spouts off a matter of phrases, thoughts, and the like before my brain has a chance to say "WHOA!"

And then there are times when I give my brain a chance to mull things over, and that's when it gets downright terrifying. Which means I'm either a genius, or demented...probably both.